Under Alien Skies 1, Propagation
by Alec Star
Summary: During the first season secrets are kept and secrets come to light. Warning: some disturbing content and adult issues though the fic itself is non-descriptive. Emancipation related. First story in the 'Under Alien Skies' series.
1. Chapter 1: Keeping Watch

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters, I don't own the concepts, I make no money, I make no sense and I get no sleep... on the other hand I absolutely love feedback.

**Summary:** During the first season secrets are kept and secrets come to light. Warning: some disturbing content (non-descriptive references to sexism, rape, human history and human traditions).

**Author's notes**: Okay guys, here's the 'WWW 'for this story.

**When**: This story takes place post-"Singularity" though it deals mostly with events that happened earlier in the first season.

**What**: There are plenty of fics out there to **_fix_** a given episode, consider this one to be a way to **_break_** an episode with a less than believable upbeat ending that really got on my nerves. The basic premise for this fic is not exactly original and it's probably been done about a gazillion times (it is an obvious deviation from canon but hopefully the way in which I'm handling it will be somewhat original).

**Warning**: This is not a particularly happy fic. I think the main warning here is that at some points there will be references to some disturbing issues and I do mean issues of a far less than pleasant kind. Without spoiling the story, let's just say that the names of the old gods were not the only things associated with Egypt that were left behind by the Goa'uld when they scattered humans throughout the universe (don't worry, there **_is_** a limit to how far I'm willing to hurt the characters so those are mostly references). Rating is 13, seeing how this story is no more descriptive than your average TV show or some documentaries dealing with these issues. So let me say this once more, this story does deal with adult issues that may be described as disturbing to say the least, issues such as rape, sexism and the **_brighter_** side of human history and traditions (I know, I've said that before but believe me, it bears repeating).

For the time being I havea **_very_** rough draft of the whole story though there is room for a couple of sequels, whether those get written at all depends on whether or not this story gets a response (other than me being flamed to a crisp that is). Okay, having said that, I'll shut up now and I'll try to keep author's notes to a minimum.

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_**Under Alien Skies- Propagation  
**_Chapter 1: Keeping Watch   
(Daniel's POV) 

I'm doing my best to keep my eyes, or rather my ears, on the perimeter as I've been taught to do, though I have to say that night vision is not my strong suit. That's the reason why I'm focusing mostly on the sounds of the forest around me... on that and on keeping the fire going. In a way these moments at night allow me to almost pretend that I'm back in some dig, roughing it out in the middle of nowhere as I used to do before my life was turned upside-down... before I foolishly disclosed my theories about the pyramids... before the coverstone was dropped on my lap... before Sha're...

At times like this when we are sleeping alone on a deserted planet where the main threat comes from the wild life, on one of those planets Jack hates so much in which the only things left standing are the ruins, the reminders of what once was, I can almost pretend that none of the things that have happened to me in the last couple of years have been real... of course, that only lasts until I look around and I find myself surrounded by SG-1.

In these past few months, ever since my return from Abydos, we've become friends. I feel like I can trust these people and the truth is that that is a feeling I'm not particularly familiar with. I've had friends before, of course, but never like this. As a child I never really stayed in one place for long enough to form any solid friendships and even when I managed to build the foundation of one I knew it was only a matter of time before it would be taken from me. In college I was the wiz kid who blew the grading curve for everyone else... not exactly the best way to make friends... besides I was always so much younger than everyone else that going by my fellow students' reactions you would have thought I had the plague. As an adult the friendships that were forged during the course of one dig or another were always temporary, so different from the one I now share with the rest of SG-1, even if I am supposed to have more in common with other archeologists than I ever will with an Air Force colonel, an astrophysicist and an alien warrior.

For starters we are a team, there's no room for any sense of competition here and the fact is that that sense of competition is something that underlies every single dig. Yes, under those circumstances archeology requires a certain level of teamwork but everyone there is also dreaming of that big discovery, that big find that will allow a single individual to stand out from the crowd. We work together yet we all know we are bound to spend our lives competing against each other for every last research dollar --and when it comes to archeology there are nowhere near enough of those to go around-- so while friendships are forged in those digs, they are not friendships that are based on trust. Out here it's an entirely different story. Here we must rely on each other if we want to survive... and that's not just a metaphor.

The thing is that I'm not that used to trusting people... not on Earth anyway. Abydos was a different story. There I could have a fresh start. It was like I could leave my past and my scars behind... and now I'm learning to trust my team. Of course, it's a trust that's been earned the hard way. We are fighting a war here and **_that_** is something I was most definitely **_not_** prepared for. Up until the coverstone was dropped on my lap I was a scholar and, no matter what happens from now on, I know I'll never be a soldier... luckily in this particular group they seem to be willing to see me for what I am rather than for what I'm not.

I think somehow I got lucky, somehow I managed to fall in with a crowd of misfits that is probably the least military-minded team in the entire SGC. Of course, I know that voicing such thoughts in front of Jack or Sam or even Teal'c would be suicidal. The fact is that a truly military team wouldn't have welcomed Teal'c, a truly military team wouldn't have welcomed me and even Sam herself would probably have had a hard time fitting in... no matter how many PC proclamations are made by the higher ups in the chain of command. She may be the poster child for the Air Force, the daughter of a general who used to dream of becoming an astronaut but there are many who will never see her as anything but a woman... and besides I am well aware that in a way her military persona is just a glaze.

Whether she likes it or not she is a scientist first and foremost, not a soldier. Sure, she can put up with anything the stargate or the military throw at her, she can keep up with any of the guys who are convinced she doesn't belong **_because_** she's a woman, she does her best to pretend to be a good little soldier and she is all but obsessed with her career but I know that when the military clashes with her own convictions she will choose her own convictions each and every time... and the same goes for Jack. They have already proven it time and time again. Teal'c's presence here with us is the only evidence I need of that fact.

As I said, over these past few months I've learned to trust them. I care about them --though I know they would most definitely **_not_** want to hear it-- and the truth is that I actually enjoy watching my team sleep.

I know it sounds crazy but the fact is that these couple of hours when it's up to me to keep watch give me a chance to study them when they drop their masks and for a moment I can actually pretend that I'm helping to keep them safe and not the other way around, that for once they don't have to cover for me. They may be willing to accept me as I am but that doesn't mean they are not very aware of the fact that I'm not a soldier, that I'm a scholar rather than a warrior.

The only problem is that as I watch them I can't quite quiet a nagging little voice in the back of my mind that keeps telling me that there's something that is clearly out of place here, that there's something very wrong with this picture... something we should have noticed but we didn't. I**_ know_** it doesn't make sense, I know the feeling may have more to do with boredom and lack of sleep as I keep watch over my teammates than with anything else but in spite of that I can't quite shake that feeling no matter how hard I try... and the fact remains that I've been trying to shake it for weeks.

The problem is that while we've been on almost forty missions to almost forty different planets, as I try to trace the root of the problem I can't. Whatever it is it goes deep, back to the very beginning. Whatever it is that's bothering me I am all but certain that it goes back to one of our very first missions... which would probably explain **_why_** it's managed to go undetected for so long. If it can be traced back to a time before we really got to know each other then it would have been possible for us to overlook a problem out of ignorance.

Having nothing better to do with my mind for the time being, I decide to try and tackle the situation from a logical perspective. The first thing I have to do is to determine whether or not there is a problem to begin with. I'm not sure where my certainty comes from, I can't really point to a single shred of evidence to substantiate my own suspicions but all my instincts are saying that yes, there is something going on here.

Unfortunately having sort of settled that first issue in my mind does very little to narrow down the problem, to identify its source. The next question is where is the problem... or more accurately with whom. I guess the best way for me to try and go about figuring that one out is to try and pinpoint the feeling in some way... the problem is that there are way too many ghosts around us and that's not going to be easy.

I know Jack still has nightmares about Charlie. Teal'c probably has more than enough issues with the fact that he had no choice but to abandon Chulak, his family and everything he knew (not that he'll ever admit it). With Sam I'm not exactly sure what the problem is but I do know she too has enough ghosts of her own, though she doesn't ever mention them... of course, some of the things we've seen since we started this gig are enough to give anyone nightmares. The thing is that camping together on a regular basis does serve to give us a lot of insight in that regard. As for me I have plenty of ghosts of my own, with Sha're being the most recent one though she is certainly not the only one.

In other words, the source of the problem is anything but clear, in fact from what I've seen it could be anyone but as I consider our respective ghosts the thing that becomes apparent is that whatever it is that's bothering me, I have a tendency to think about it mostly when it's my turn to keep watch... and especially when it's my turn to keep watch on a planet devoid of any real threats, a planet in which keeping watch is done more to satisfy military paranoia than to fend off any real threats. That means that the problem, whatever it is, is more apparent at night. Either that or I think mostly about it when I'm bored out of my mind, like I am now.

Shaking my head I look around at my teammates, determined to figure it out once and for all, after all, we have more than enough time. Even though we've had a few very stressful missions, the truth is that most of them haven't really been all that exciting. In fact about two out of every three missions usually go down without a hitch and going by what we know about this particular planet this will probably be one of those... which means that with any luck this will be a good opportunity for me to try and crack this little mystery and hopefully do something about it before it comes back to bite us in the butt.

In other words I know that there's a problem here, I know that it has a tendency to become more apparent at night, even if I'm not sure whether that difference in relevance is real or imagined, and I know there are enough issues among us to keep a dozen shrinks happy for years. That doesn't sound very encouraging in terms of coming up with a reasonable explanation but at least it is something.

Seeing how I know that whatever is bothering me is more connected with the team or maybe one team member than with me I rule out anything having to do with Sha're, in fact I think I can safely rule myself out altogether as the source of the problem. What is bothering me is something external. That narrows it down a little. I am also tempted to rule out Teal'c. I'm not sure why that is but somehow I know it doesn't have to do with him... maybe because whatever the problem is it becomes more apparent when I see them sleep and Teal'c doesn't sleep, at least not in the traditional sense of the word. For the most part he puts himself in a deep meditative trance instead... though he does pretend to sleep sometimes, just to settle Jack's nerves. Having effectively ruled out half the team, that leaves Sam and Jack as the two most likely sources.

Almost without conscious thought my eyes drift to their sleeping forms once more but the scene in front of me is a familiar one... though that sense of familiarity doesn't cause the weird feeling that something is wrong to go away. In fact I know that --whatever **_it_** happens to be-- it's right in front of me, staring me in the face but I just can't see it and that is only adding to my frustration.

I know the problem dates back to the early days of our team so I try to go for a different approach. Rather than focusing on what I'm seeing right now I decide to focus instead on trying to remember my earliest possible memory of the team sleeping in a mission on some planet where we **_weren't_** under attack, and then trying to compare the current scene with that oldest possible reference. Almost immediately I rule out our first two missions, seeing how neither Abydos nor Chulak qualify as uneventful and instead I settle on our trip to another abandoned planet, one we visited shortly after Teal'c first joined our team and a few days after Kawalski's death. It wasn't much of a mission, in fact Jack was anything but a happy camper when we were ordered to go chasing some 'rocks' as he so eloquently puts it. I remember the whole thing took a lot longer than he would have liked it to simply because we had to hike to those ruins and back, as is the case with our current mission. That meant we had to stay there for a couple of days even though our orders were pretty simple and our task was quite straightforward.

In a way that one was an odd mission for me. I remember that even though I found the ruins to be fascinating at the time, I absolutely hated being there in the first place. On a rational level I knew it was necessary, I knew not all of our missions were going to be about confronting the Goa'uld or going after Apophis, but the only thing in my mind was finding Sha're, freeing her. That was my main objective and in a way it still is. I haven't forgotten her, far from it, but I know now that rescuing her, if we can ever pull it off, will not be easy and it may take some time but as long as I know she's out there I have hope. Of course, the fact that I have hope doesn't mean I'm blind to the reality of what we are facing. I know the odds are stacked heavily against us and that means that every bit of knowledge we can possibly find along the way may hold the key that will allow us to defy those odds somehow... and that is something we most definitely need.

The thing is that that was the first night our team spent sleeping peacefully under alien skies. I remember it mostly because even though I had spent a whole year in Abydos and Jack had spent a few nights there during our first mission, it was the first time Sam had a chance to observe the night sky without worrying about an imminent attack and she was so excited. For the scientist in her I think that was the moment in which the realization that she was actually on a different planet hit home and she spent hours memorizing every little detail of that firmament before she finally drifted into a peaceful sleep.

Come to think of it that may be one of the things that have been bothering me, the fact that lately her sleep has been far from peaceful. Sure, she doesn't have nightmares every single night that we are out here and she is also not in the habit of waking up screaming so in fact I can't really say whether or not there's actually been a change there. The thing is that for some reason seeing her distressed --especially when I don't know the cause of it-- does bother me. Of course, with the military mindset of both Sam and Jack, nightmares are never to be mentioned so my hands are basically tied in that regard... besides, as I said, I have enough demons of my own... we all do.

I can still see Sha're's glowing eyes in my dreams almost every night and I've heard Jack calling out for Charlie more than once. What's different about Sam is the pattern of her nightmares. To be accurate, what concerns me is the fact that during our first couple of missions she **_didn't_** have any and that is enough to pique my curiosity.

I can tell something's bothering her, something she doesn't want us to know. We all have skeletons in our closets but unfortunately the 'don't ask, don't tell' military mindset extends beyond people's sexual orientation and it seems to encompass everything that could possibly be perceived as a weakness... or as a sign of humanity for that matter.

I quietly let out a relieved sigh at the thought that I may be finally approaching something remotely resembling an answer to my little mystery. It may not be much but at least now I'm reasonably sure I've managed to identify the person who is to be found at one end of this tangled web and that means that maybe I can now begin to untangle it. Yes, there is a difference in Sam from the first few missions to the way things are now, even if the difference is not that apparent, even if it's only noticeable when she sleeps, when she lets her guard down and I'm determined to figure out what's going on.

Luckily at least tonight she seems to be sleeping peacefully... and oddly enough that's what tells me that the nightmares are not the thing that's wrong with this picture, though I'm not willing to assume they are completely unrelated. The thing is that if her nightmares were the problem then I wouldn't have this nagging feeling when she **_isn't_** having one and that means I'm back to square one... well, maybe I've made it all the way up to square two. The point is that I'm back to trying to overlap my memories of that first peaceful mission with the one I'm seeing now, trying to find out what has changed, what doesn't belong. The most obvious difference is that Sam no longer spends hours looking at the firmament, though she still enjoys doing it for a little while... of course, whether that is due to a significant change or if it's merely due to the fact that the novelty has worn off, at least somewhat, is anyone's guess. Common sense would indicate that she's simply gotten used to it but at the same time my instincts are telling me that there's more to it than that.

I'm still watching her, I'm still remembering when suddenly it hits me, the difference. It's so silly, so insignificant, but somehow I know better than to dismiss it. On that first night Sam fell asleep stretched out under an alien sky, trying to memorize every detail of that alien firmament. Right now she's curled onto her side, in a not-quite-so-small, not-quite-fetal ball... or into a ball as small as a 5'9'' astrophysicist can manage. That's what's been bothering me, that's the small change that I couldn't quite place, the little difference that refused to be ignored... the one I know is nowhere near as little as it seems because adults don't usually change their sleep positions without a damn good reason to do so. It is one tiny piece of evidence, one that can be easily dismissed but also one that confirms to me that something has really changed since our early missions... now I just have to figure out what it is.


	2. Chapter 2: On Being the Mouse

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 2: On Being the Mouse  
(Sam's POV)

As I head up the ramp I can feel Daniel's eyes on my back... again. This has been going on for several missions now and I'm not entirely sure of how to deal with it. The problem is that I'm not really sure of just what's going on, I don't know what's gotten into him and I don't know what he's thinking, not exactly, but if the way in which he's been acting lately is anything to go by then I think it's safe to assume that he is concerned about something and that's driving me crazy. He's been watching me constantly and that in turn has been making me more than a little paranoid.

I feel like I'm under a microscope and I **_really_** don't like it but there's nothing I can say or do about it short of confronting him... and somehow I don't think that's the way I want to go. I know something's bothering him, that much is obvious, but I have no idea as to what it could possibly be... or rather I hope I've got the wrong idea as to what it is. I've spent hours trying to determine what could have caused him to have this reaction and the truth is that so far the only possible explanation I've been able to come up with is one I don't even want to contemplate.

The fact is that, regardless of what's bothering him, there's very little I can do about it. I have no way of defusing this situation and I know that if I don't confront him then chances are that sooner or later he is going to confront me, which does not make for a far more pleasant scenario. He can be incredibly perceptive at times and right now that's exactly what I **_don't_** need. Yes, there are things I'm keeping from my teammates and no, they are none of their damned business... now if only I could get them --and a certain archeologist in particular-- to respect that.

I am tired, I can admit that to myself. Keeping up appearances for months has been taking its toll on me, in fact it's been a lot harder than I could possibly have anticipated... and now on top of that I have to worry about the very real possibility that Daniel may be on to me. That would be bad enough by itself but to make matters worse there's also the fact that he is not just extremely bright and curious, he is also utterly non-military and that means that some of the rules I'm used to playing by are out the window and **_that_** is most certainly bothering me.

The fact that he is not military means that there are bound to be some situations in which he doesn't know better than **_not_** to push and this may well turn out to be one of those. I know he's not trying to hurt me, I trust him in that regard, in fact I'm almost sure that he has good intentions but just by being himself he has become a threat to me. I've worked very hard to get to where I am and I don't want to be forced out of SG-1... and, if my suspicions are correct, I fear that that's exactly where Daniel's curiosity may lead me.

In other words, the problem is that I'm fairly certain that he suspects I'm hiding something... which wouldn't really be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I'm hiding something. Well, there's nothing I can do about it except to keep my guard up and my eyes open... there's nothing I can do except to make sure I don't slip, except to make sure I don't make a stupid mistake that could possibly leave me exposed, especially not as we head out for yet another mission. Does it sound too twisted that I'm actually hoping for an eventful one, one that will keep him off my back? I'm not saying I want a mission in which we get shot at, one in which we find ourselves running for our lives or anything like that... maybe just one in which he encounters enough ruins to keep him busy --and distracted-- for a couple of years. Yes, that would be good but I know better than to get my hopes up... especially because our upcoming mission is only supposed to last a few hours.

As we emerge from the gate I take my first look around. Seeing and smelling a planet often presents us with a very different picture from the one painted by the data that is sent back by the probes and the fact is that we all know that our first steps into a new world are usually the most dangerous ones. Luckily this time around there don't seem to be any unpleasant surprises waiting for us.

The first thing I notice as I get my bearings is that the gate is indoors, just as I knew it would be, and that is something I've learned is a telling sign as to what kind of society we may be dealing with. For the most part an indoors gate is a clear sign that we are dealing with a technologically advanced society... or with its remains.

The thing is that from what we've been able to see so far the vast majority of stargates were originally placed outdoors, though it is not uncommon for advanced societies --or the Goa'uld-- to have moved them indoors. It is a matter of common sense. Under normal circumstances a stargate vibrates a lot when it engages. At first glance that may not seem to be all that relevant but from an engineering perspective it definitely does present some significant challenges.

The way in which the gate vibrates means that any structure designed to encompass it must be able to withstand that vibration or that some measures must be taken to absorb the vibration at the source. In addition to that the way in which the wormhole expands outwards when it is first engaged, and the way in which that expansion basically disintegrates anything in its path, means that there must be a large open area surrounding the gate that is **_not_** directly supported by columns. Simply put, any column that is placed in the wormhole's path would be destroyed the first time the stargate engaged, and that would almost certainly cause the whole structure to collapse.

Yes, gate location can be extremely telling under certain circumstances and that seems to be the case in this particular instance. The question now is are we dealing with an advanced society or with the ruins left by one that has long since ceased to exist?

Looking around I take in the condition of the room we find ourselves in. At first glance it appears to be structurally sound and that is a major relief after our experiences rescuing Ernest. The place is massive and solid but from what I can see it's been abandoned for a while, at least that's what the mostly undisturbed layer of dust and the total absence of footprints other than our own would seem to indicate. Having confirmed the absence of any imminent threats in our immediate surroundings we move out and set out to explore the area and to determine what's our status.

From a technological perspective I think it's safe for me to say that this place definitely looks like it has potential.

The thing is that there are all kinds of devices around us and I don't have the first clue as to what any of them could possibly do. This is what I love the most about gate travel... of course, under the circumstances I'm not exactly sure whether this is what I would have wished for, especially not after Teal'c confirms that he does not recognize this particular planet. Going by the evidence around us I'd say that's not really all that surprising. Whatever happened here probably happened long before his time and that means that this planet could turn out to be a pretty important find. That's what we are here to determine.

The interesting thing is that, going by their basic design, I'd say that the devices around us are definitely **_not_** of Goa'uld origin and that means that what we have here is probably an advanced **_native_** civilization or at least its remains. In addition to that the total absence of the distinctive damage left behind by staff weapons would seem to suggest that the Goa'uld had nothing to do with its disappearance... if it is truly gone, that is. In other words, this planet seems to be everything we had hoped it would be and more... and for once I'm not so sure as to whether or not that is going to be a good thing, at least not for me.

After a couple of minutes the colonel declares that we are clear and orders us to 'get to work on those doohikies'. His order doesn't exactly come as much of a surprise and neither does the fact that both he and Teal'c leave us to go explore elsewhere, but that doesn't mean that the resulting situation is what I would describe as pleasant. This is exactly the scenario I've been dreading for these past couple of weeks... and that is a disturbing thought in itself, seeing how this is the kind of planet that would normally have me salivating at the thought.

The problem is that today the circumstances are different and I can't help but be worried about it. Today I can't see this world as anything but one of those planets in which the team is divided into two groups based on our respective specialties and in which no efforts are made to produce two balanced sub-units in terms of their combat skills. This is one of those instances in which Daniel and I have no choice but to work together. It is one of those planets in which my knowledge of applied technology has to be combined with Daniel's linguistic skills in order to be effective, just as his linguistic skills require my knowledge of technology to make sense of what's around us. For the most part we are an effective team, we've done this before and we will probably do it again but the thing is that in these cases Jack and Teal'c usually do their best to make sure they are off **_somewhere_**, trying to stay out of our way while we work.

This is not their sort of planet, not really. It is one of those planets in which Daniel and I will have plenty of things to keep us occupied for as long as we are here but in which the Colonel and Teal'c need to find a way to kill that time... preferably without getting **_themselves_** killed in the process. We are scheduled for a six hour stay to determine whether or not the technology that is to be found in this place is advanced enough to justify sending in a specialized retrieval team after us. At first glance the answer to that question would seem to be a resounding **_yes_**... but right now that is not my main concern.

Just as I had feared would be the case, a couple of minutes after the Colonel ordered us to get to work and walked away I see the determination set in on Daniel's face and I know right away that I'm in trouble... in deep trouble. If I'm reading him correctly --and I'm pretty sure that I am-- then he is going to take advantage of this opportunity to try and get me to talk.

This is it. This is the confrontation I have been dreading for a while and there's nothing I can do to weasel my way out of it. He has clearly chosen the moment carefully to ensure that I **_can't_** avoid it. Do I even have to mention that this is not what I was hoping for when I walked across the gate a few minutes ago?

I know he won't be forceful about it. I'm not worried about that, that's not really his style. Daniel doesn't do forceful if he can possibly avoid it but that does nothing to change the fact that, when he sets his mind to it, he can be the master of persistent and refusing him can be all but impossible.

As I try to prepare myself for the upcoming confrontation I realize that I have a couple of problems here, problems that are likely to turn into major issues within the next few minutes. The main one of those problems has to do with the fact that I don't know how much Daniel really knows, how much he suspects and how much of this encounter will actually be a fishing expedition mixed in with a healthy dose of bluffing and that means that containing the damage won't be easy. To make matters worse there's the fact that I have to work with him while we have our 'little chat', all without making the Colonel suspicious. I know that for as long as we are here the Colonel is likely to do his best to avoid us but still I can't afford to get careless. If he were to walk in on us while we are talking chances are it would all be over for me.


	3. Chapter 3: The Reluctant Cat

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 3: The Reluctant Cat  
(Daniel's POV)

Okay, this is getting ridiculous now.

I've been keeping an eye on Sam for a couple of weeks and things are most definitely **_not_** getting better, in fact if anything they are getting steadily worse. She is obviously aware that I'm watching her and she's not happy about it... far from it. The problem is that she's so nervous it is actually starting to hurt her performance and I'm worried that it's only a matter of time before Jack figures out that there's something wrong here and that could turn out to be a disaster. Even I can see that.

Yes, I may not be military but I do know enough to know that if she's trying this hard to keep something a secret then the last thing I want to do is to leave her exposed by drawing attention to the situation... the only problem is that I'm not sure she's realized that I know that much. From what I've been able to see so far she is convinced that I'm the enemy and is diverting **_way_** too much of her energy toward keeping me at bay... and I do understand.

Even though I know she'll never admit it the fact is that whatever is bothering her has her running scared... and right now I'm contributing to that fear. Needless to say that that was not what I was trying to accomplish here. We are supposed to watch each other's back, if nothing else I've learned that much in these past few months, but unfortunately at times such as this that is easier said than done.

The thing is that right now I'm worried. I want Sam to trust me but she doesn't seem to be particularly inclined to do so and that is bound to cause trouble sooner rather than later... and that is the last thing I want. That means I'm going to have no choice but to take a more aggressive stance here, one that could easily backfire.

I've been thinking about it for a while, trying to put it off for as long as I could, hoping that it wouldn't be necessary but the way I see it I'm fast running out of options. It is apparent that Sam is not going to come to me, even though she knows I'm keeping an eye on her and that means that the only thing I can do right now is to try and push the issue. That is **_not_** how I wanted to handle this situation, not by a long shot, but at the same time I know I can't allow this to fester any longer, not if I don't want this situation to snowball and land us **_both _**in trouble. I may not be happy about this latest turn of events but I can understand it, the problem is that even though I understand why this next step is necessary that doesn't make it any easier to take. I'm doing what I think has to be done to defuse the situation, that is true, but at the same time I can't stop thinking about the fact that in doing so I may well be jeopardizing my friendship with Sam and I absolutely hate that.

The problem is that the way I see it I have two choices here and neither one of them represents a particularly pleasant scenario: I can either confront her knowing that she's **_not_** going to like it or I can let this situation continue to escalate and seeing how that second scenario is definitely **_not_** an option the answer to the question of what am I supposed to do now becomes apparent. This is not how I wanted to do this but unfortunately, seeing how there doesn't seem to be a third option available to me, I'm afraid I'm going to have no choice but to take my chances with whatever's behind door number one.

Of course, while the idea of talking to Sam sounds like a simple enough concept in theory, in reality it is anything but. Approaching her is not going to be easy, especially because she's made it abundantly clear that she doesn't **_want_** to be approached and that means I'm going to have to play my cards very carefully. With Sam there is no margin for error and I know it. Any little opening I leave for her she is going to identify and exploit in a matter of seconds... and it's not like outsmarting her is a real option.

Okay, you know you've been hanging around the military for too long when you start devising a battle plan to talk to your friends... unfortunately this is one instance in which I'm afraid I'm actually going to need mine.

It's clear that whatever is bothering Sam, she doesn't want to talk about it and getting over that reluctance is not going to be easy. She is not particularly fond of sharing her personal problems at the best of times and on top of that the fact is that she can be incredibly stubborn when she wants to be... and if my suspicions are correct I think it's safe to assume that this is going to be one of those instances in which she will most definitely want to be.

I have been thinking things over for a while, trying to come up with something I could hopefully turn to my advantage, I've been trying to come up with some sort of insight into whatever it is that's going on here beyond the very basics and I think I've finally done it. In the weeks since I first figured out that whatever it was that seemed to be off with our group was connected to Sam I think I've managed to narrow down the number of probable causes significantly. In fact in these past few weeks the whole thing has gone from a nagging feeling in the back of my mind to a situation in which I'm almost certain I know in which mission did this problem originate.

In other words, the good news --if it can be called that-- is that I think I've narrowed down my list of suspects to a single one, to one suspect we really should have realized had caused a lot more damage than we wanted to acknowledge: Turghan. The bad news is that if that's really the source of the problem then she's been keeping it quiet for months now and getting her to open up won't be fun... for either one of us.

Even now, after all these months, the mission to Simarka is one of those that stand out in my mind. That was the world in which we learned a very important lesson: it was the world in which we learned that sometimes the human inhabitants of a planet can be just as dangerous and as deadly as the Goa'uld. We may approach them as friends but even when there are no open hostilities between us, that doesn't necessarily mean that we'll be safe... and cultural misunderstandings **_can_** easily turn deadly.

In that regard humans can be even more dangerous than the Goa'uld at times. With the Goa'uld at least we know where we stand. We know they are our enemies and we know to treat them as such but our interaction with other human civilizations is far more complex and far less predictable than that. That interaction forces us to deal with a number of different options and telling what kind of scenario we are walking into is not always easy. That, in a nutshell, is the lesson we learned in Simarka.

Up until that point our friends and enemies had been clearly defined in our minds but what happened there changed all that, it shattered our preconceived notion that humans are 'good' and Goa'uld are 'bad'... okay, the Goa'uld remain clearly set in the 'bad' category but we did learn that humans aren't always as good, friendly or welcoming as we would want them to be. That was something we had never even considered in our excitement at the thought of visiting other worlds, even though we really should have known better, and Simarka was our wake-up call in that regard.

We were so naive going in, so unprepared for what we were about to face, for the impact of cultural differences and we almost ended up having to pay for that ignorance with Sam's life. She was kidnapped, sold and tortured, though the last part we didn't learn until **_after_** we had managed to make it back through the gate... maybe that should have taught me something about how stubborn Sam can be when it comes to keeping things she doesn't want others to know, things she perceives as signs of weakness, a secret.

I remember how after we returned from Simarka we were appalled when we discovered that she had been beaten... brutally. It was a revelation that caught us totally off guard, especially considering that she had managed to defeat Turghan in hand to hand combat just a few hours earlier in spite of her injuries. Her back was a mess, crisscrossed by lash marks but she insisted that she was fine, just more than a little sore and even though we were on stand down for almost two weeks to allow her to heal, the fact was that she was basically left to her own devices, especially because, even though she was in a considerable amount of pain, there was little Dr. Warner could do for her at the time. The whip Turghan had used on her had obviously been carefully designed and expertly wielded. It had caused her a lot of pain but it hadn't really inflicted any serious damage. It had just left her with deep and extensive bruising.

We were all worried about her there for a while and General Hammond even suggested that she should get some counseling but she turned him down, insisting that she was fine and he stopped just short of making it an order. To our surprise she seemed to bounce back from that experience in a truly amazing fashion. Even though she was in pain she insisted on going back to her lab almost immediately, losing herself in her work. At first Dr. Warner tried to object, he tried to get her to take a few days off, he argued that she should give herself the time to heal but she dismissed him saying that it would be of no real use. She pointed out that the two positions she was reasonably comfortable in were lying flat on her stomach or standing up and she insisted that she didn't want to spend days on end dwelling on what had happened so she figured she might as well try to get something done while she was out of commission. She promised to take it easy and that was it... only now I'm almost sure it was all an act.

I'm not saying that she was lying about the fact that she could either lie on her stomach or stand up, that part actually makes sense, but somehow I don't think she managed to pull off the bouncing back act as well as she would have had us believe... as well as she got us to believe. If the subtle changes I've seen in her behavior since I've actually been paying attention are anything to go by then she is still having some trouble and the fact is that maybe we should have expected that much. That is the part that's bothering me. We are supposed to be friends, to rely on each other and yet...

I know at least part of the problem has to do with the fact that Simarka was one of our first missions. We are good friends **_now_**, we know each other well **_now_**, but that wasn't necessarily the case back then. Back then we had been together for less than a month, we didn't really know each other and we were all still trying to figure out where we belonged, how our team was supposed to operate, what were our individual strengths and weaknesses, who were our teammates. I doubt she'd be able to pull something like that off now, in fact I don't think she'd even try, but still that doesn't solve the current problem... and as for what happened in Simarka, as to how much trouble is she still having trying to come to terms with the aftermath of that particular mission, the fact remains that I have more questions than answers. Yes, I have a general idea as to what the source of the problem is and that is better than nothing but I still don't have the first clue as to the specifics of the situation.

Well, I guess the time has come for me to change that... it's time for me to get myself some answers, after all both Jack and Teal'c have left us alone to work on the technology and the inscriptions that are to be found all around us. That means that, barring a really unpleasant and unexpected surprise, they are unlikely to return until the time comes for us to go home. This is the best chance I'm going to get for a while and I know it. We have privacy and Sam is not going anywhere so I might as well get it over with. This may not be the way in which I wanted events to unfold but I know it can't really be avoided, not in the long run anyway and somehow I don't think this is an encounter that would get any easier if I were to put it off any longer.

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**_Author's notes_**: Okay guys, I wanted to thank you for your reviews, they really help keep me going and the story moving forward. As to when you can expect some answers, well **_some_** answers will finally start flowing your way in the next update (and Wendy, you were right, this is at least partially related to "Emancipation"). 


	4. Chapter 4: War of Words

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 4: War of Words  
(Sam's POV)

"So, you want to tell me what's going on?" asks Daniel as he comes up behind me. I had been dreading this encounter and even as I made my way up the ramp I had an inkling that today was going to be the day but still I wasn't ready for this, far from it. The problem is that I'm stuck working with him here and he knows it... and even though I had been expecting this, I wasn't really looking forward to it.

"I don't know what you mean," I say, feigning ignorance, at least for the time being. I'll be damned if I'm going to let him bluff me into telling him more than he absolutely needs to know... and as far as I am concerned there's absolutely **_nothing_** that he needs to know.

"Come on, Sam, it's me. I know something's bothering you," he pushes, still not revealing his hand and I get the funny feeling that this is going to be a very long encounter... and that somehow I'm not likely to come out on top. We are talking words here and when it comes to words he has me beaten hands down.

"I'm fine, Daniel... just trying to figure out this place. The technology here is..."

"A nice diversion, I know, but you can't go on like this," he interrupts. Okay, I wasn't really expecting that one to work but it was worth a shot. The problem is that if his reaction is anything to go by then he is even more determined to get himself some answers than I had previously feared.

"What do you want me to say?" I ask, trying to get him to back down. His words are crowding me, even if I can tell that he has the best intentions.

"I don't know, I just want you to talk to me... I want you to trust me," damn, damn, damn, he is going for caring and compassionate, he is going for understanding and sympathetic and I find myself struggling to keep up my resolve. He can't know but I don't know what to do to keep him from finding out now. If it were just him I'd tell him but it's not so simple. SG-1 means too much for me to take that kind of a chance and that means that he can't know, that means there's no way I can tell him... even though there may be no way for me to avoid telling him either and that is where the problem lies.

"I'm fine, honest," I say, even though I know there's no way in hell he's going to buy that one.

"No you are not... you haven't been fine in a very long time, that's why it took me so long to figure it out," he says. I don't understand what he means... and somehow I don't think I **_want_** to understand.

"To figure it out?" I barely manage to croak. That's not a good sign. I have to hold on here and I certainly can't allow my voice to betray me... I should really have had better control than that.

"Yes, Sam. You see," he says with that calm and reassuring voice of his, the one he uses whenever he is trying to talk his way out of a hostile situation, "for a very long time I've had the feeling that there was something wrong but I just couldn't quite put my finger on it, then a few weeks ago it hit me. It was while we were on that mission to P3M-622... I think. Even though it was an uninhabited planet and the chances of us actually getting attacked were basically nil, Jack still insisted that we keep watch."

"We always keep watch," I say, trying to divert his attention, trying to get him to focus on that mission, trying to turn this into yet another debate about paranoia and military procedure... trying to get him to focus on anything but what I fear he may be getting to.

"Yes, I know, but the thing is that while we usually have to pay attention to what's going on around us because our lives may very well depend on it, in that particular case the greatest threat was falling asleep when we weren't supposed to."

"So?" I ask. There's no way I'm getting out of this one and I really don't have a clue as to what is about to happen here.

"So I decided to try and tackle a problem that had been bugging me for a while. How long have you been having nightmares?" he asks suddenly, point blank. Is that what this is all about? Well at least now I have an inkling as to what's going on, how much he knows and as bad as the situation is, that gives me some hope. If this is only about the dreams then maybe I can contain it... explain it away somehow without having to come clean.

"I don't know, everyone gets them sometimes I guess... besides, I don't remember having one on that particular mission," I say, shrugging his concerns off.

"No, you didn't," he confirms, catching me totally off guard. That is not the answer I was expecting, not by a long shot and it throws my whole strategy off-kilter... again. I had feared that maybe I had said something in my sleep, that is a possibility I've been dreading for some time, but apparently that was not the case, so what on Earth, or whatever planet we happen to be on, is going on here?

"Okay, now I really don't understand," I say, not having to feign the perplexity in my voice... maybe that's going to have to be the way for me to play this one... by ear.

"Well, the way I see it you've had a few nightmares during some of our missions... not that you are alone in that department. The thing is that I was watching you sleep and..."

"Are you planning on getting anywhere near the point any time soon? I mean, we have work to do," I say, growing increasingly defensive and knowing that I'm digging my own grave here.

"I know, but the way I figure it we have almost six hours before Jack and Teal'c come back," he replies. I know he's right about that unless we run into some trouble... but given the characteristics of this particular planet we both know that's unlikely. Jack and Teal'c are going to be avoiding us like the plague until the time comes for them to start nagging us to go home. I fight back a sigh, knowing that I can't let him see that he is getting to me... even though I suspect he already knows that much.

"So, now you are worried because I **_didn't _**have a nightmare?" I ask, even though the question doesn't seem to make much sense. Sometimes I wonder how Daniel's mind works. He has the ability to make some pretty unusual connections... and usually come to the correct conclusions. That's always been an important asset for our team but right now I'm having a hard time trying to see it as a good thing.

"No, of course not, but that got me thinking. Back in our first few missions I was having trouble sleeping, I kept seeing Sha're with her eyes glowing... and let's just say that the incident with Hathor didn't exactly make things better for me in that regard. The thing is that I've had nightmares ever since I joined SG-1 and the same goes for Jack, but I hadn't noticed that yours didn't start until after we had already been through several missions together."

"I've always had them, Daniel, just because they don't happen every night doesn't mean they are a new development," I say, and the best part is that I'm not lying about that... at least not entirely. I've always had a few nightmares every now and then, they've just taken on a brand new form lately.

"Maybe... if it had been just the nightmares I would have let it go. You are right, you don't have them every night and you are entitled to a few ghosts, just like everyone else, but the thing is that what I saw in P3M-622 was something entirely different. You see, I was thinking back to our very first night sleeping under the stars in an uninhabited planet. Do you remember?"

"Yes, it was on P6V-239 and it was wonderful," I say, smiling at the memory. "I mean, on a rational level I had known all along that we were on another planet but seeing the stars at night suddenly made it seem so real."

"You actually fell asleep watching them," he reminds me out of the blue and I wonder what he's getting at.

"So, what does that have to do with anything?"

"It has to do with how you sleep."

"You've been keeping an eye on **_how _**I sleep?" I repeat, not even sure I heard that one right.

"Okay, when you put it like that it does sound kind of twisted but basically, yes. You see, what I remember was how on that first night you were lying on your back, stretched under the stars... as you were during our first few missions, but lately you've been curling up to sleep."

"Is that it?" I ask, trying to follow his reasoning without much success.

"I know it sounds silly but you know it's not, so you want to tell me what happened? As far as I can tell, the change can probably be traced back to our trip to Simarka."

"Well, let's just say that after what... Turghan... did to me sleeping on my back just wasn't a very appealing option... especially not on the ground. I mean, you do remember me basically spending a couple of weeks flat on my stomach after we came back, don't you?" I ask, seeing a tiny little opening and seizing it immediately.

"I remember... and I know it wasn't fun, but what does that have to do with what's going on now? Are you still in pain?"

"No, I'm fine, I'm just saying that..."

"Are you just talking about being beaten or did something else happen on that planet?"

"I don't know what you mean," I say, crossing a line I had been trying to avoid. Up until now half truths had been enough.

"Don't lie to me. Something happened on that planet, something that's still bothering you to this day."

"Daniel, let it go. It was a long time ago and I'm fine."

"Somehow I don't think so," he pushes.

"Don't you think you are making a big deal out of basically nothing? I mean, all I did was sleep in a different position!"

"Yes, but there's more to it than that and we both know it."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that we all have our favorite sleep positions and we are not likely to change them for no apparent reason. You have changed yours and since it's not something adults do for no apparent reason I'm assuming that there is a reason, even if it's not immediately apparent."

"It's nothing, Daniel, really."

"Somehow I don't think so."

"Well, somehow I don't care," I say, finally snapping. Who knew Daniel could be this stubborn... okay, so maybe I knew but somehow I never thought I'd find myself in this position and I'm finding I don't like it, not at all. The problem is that I don't think snapping at him is going to get him to back down, not this time around. A look into his eyes tells me I'm right about that, not only is he not backing down but he is looking at me with a level of understanding that really frightens me here... and I realize that the game is basically over and I'm going to lose this match.

"It's okay, Sam, I know you were abducted while you slept, it's only natural for you to feel somewhat uneasy when sleeping off-world, it's just that I hate that we never noticed that there was something bothering you, maybe if we had..."

"I'm fine, Daniel, honest, "I interrupt him. "Yes, it was bad, I won't deny it, but it's over... it's over. Simarka wasn't a picnic but it **_was_** several months ago."

"It's not over. You are still having trouble sleeping, that much is obvious... and somehow I don't think you would have been fighting me this much here today if the only thing you were keeping from us were a few nightmares so what aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing."

"It's not nothing, Sam, what are you hiding? What is it that you don't want me to know?"

"Please, Daniel, let it go."

"We were too late, weren't we?"

"What?"

"You heard me. Turghan, he did more than just beat you, didn't he?"

"Please stop."

"Why wouldn't you tell us?"

"I couldn't... I can't. Please, Daniel, you have to let it go," I insist, looking around dreading what would happen if the Colonel were to come back now.

"Let us help you."

"No, please. Don't you understand? No one can **_ever_** know."

"But Jack..."

"Especially**_ not_** the Colonel. You have to promise me that you won't tell him, please," okay, I'm begging now and that's not good but the problem is that even though Daniel means well, he really doesn't understand... he **_can't_** understand and that's what makes him so dangerous.

"Okay, Sam, if you don't want him to know I won't tell him, that's your call, but please don't push me away, please don't shut me out."

"You won't tell?" I ask, hating the fact that I'm suddenly sounding like I'm six.

"No, but I want you to promise me that if you ever need to talk about it you will come to me."

"Fine, whatever, just not now, Daniel, please... and not here."

"When we are back on earth then?" he asks and I know better than to try and refuse. He's got me now and the only thing I can hope to do is some damage control... and to do that I'm going to have no choice but to play along.

"Okay, when we are back on earth but now we have work to do," I say, hoping to put an end to this, at least for the time being. I know I'll have no choice but to talk to him, whether I want to or not. He knows too much to let this go but maybe I'll be able to talk to him in a safer environment... somewhere where the Colonel and Teal'c **_can't_** walk in on us without a moment's notice... somewhere where maybe I'll be able to make Daniel understand **_why_** no one can ever know.

"Sam, you can't sweep this under the rug," he insists.

"I'm not, but right now we have work to do and if we don't that will lead to questions... questions I can't afford to answer," I say, putting an end to the conversation, at least for now. I have a lot of things I'm going to have to figure out before our next encounter. I've lost round one but somehow I know that this was just the beginning... and I'm not looking forward to what I know is about to come. I don't know what's going to happen next but whatever it is, it is not going to be pretty, I know that much.

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**_Author's notes:_** Okay, first of all thanks for the feedback, it really helps to keep this story going whenever you hit review. As for this chapter, I know that was kind of predictable (couldn't be avoided though) and I know Sam's fear **_seems_** to be somewhat out of character. Please bear with me for a few more chapters, after all appearances can be deceiving. 


	5. Chapter 5: Buildings,Families and Facade

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 5: Buildings, Families and Facades  
(Daniel's POV)

In spite of the time we 'wasted' talking, Sam and I somehow managed to get everything we had to do done before Jack and Teal'c returned and the relief on her face was almost painful to see. The thing is that I don't know how much longer she's going to be able to pull this off. I'm the first one to admit that she's been doing a great job of keeping up appearances but in a way I think that may also be making matters worse for her in the long run. She is diverting too many resources toward keeping the facade up and those are the same resources she desperately needs to keep the structure behind the facade in working order. I know that architectonic metaphor is too crude, I know it doesn't do justice to the complexity of what Sam's been going through but the fact is that I fear it is true none the less. Sure, from the outside everything looks just fine but behind closed doors...

Actually I think part of the problem is that Sam is not allowing herself to let go even behind closed doors, not even when she is alone and the stress of that is probably killing her by now. I know it would be killing me if I were in her place but I also understand just how terrifying the idea of letting go can be when you know you are alone.

I know the causes behind what she's currently going through are entirely different from the ones I'm familiar with but that does nothing to change the fact that I've been where she is. Back when my parents were killed, when my whole world was destroyed I instinctively knew I couldn't let myself fall apart, not if I wanted to survive, simply because there was no one there to help me pick up the pieces. The thing is that I know how hard it can be to allow yourself a chance to rest when you don't have someone to lean on, and how terrifying the idea of falling down can be when you know there's no one there to catch you or to help you get back up again. That is one lesson I learned the hard way. Of course, I didn't think of it in those terms back then but that doesn't mean that wasn't the case... but that is not the only problem here.

Unfortunately I think here we may well be dealing with more than just Sam's reluctance to let herself go for fear of not being able to pull herself together again. That is likely to be a significant part of the problem, that is true, but it is almost certainly not the whole problem. On top of that there is also the fact that Sam is a member of SG-1 and that means more than just being a member of the SGC's flag team, I know that well enough. With that role comes a number of added burdens that had never really been much of an issue for any of us before but that under the circumstances I suspect are taking on a brand new relevance.

To begin with there is the fact that even at the best of times our lives are far from being safe and predictable. That means that we have to stay focused and I do mean always. We are on the front lines of a war and that means we have to be ready to go 24/7, there's no way around that. That fact by itself would have made for a difficult situation but on top of that there's also the fact that seeing how hard Sam's been trying to conceal what's happened, there's no way she can afford to let her guard down in front of us, not even for a minute.

She desperately needs a chance to stand down but being in SG-1 means that we have to accept the fact that even when we get to go home we are never really sure when we will be recalled to base without a moment's notice, we never know when we will have some emergency cut into our 'down time', if it can even be called that, and right now that's almost certainly complicating matters by making it almost impossible for her to relax.

For me being on call around the clock has never been much of an issue seeing how I don't have much of a life outside the SGC anyway and I'm not alone in that regard. In fact I think that may well be one of the key elements that have served to turn SG-1 into the close knit unit that it is. Most members of SG teams have to divide their time between the base and their families, between their commitments to the program and their personal lives, but that is not really the case for any of us. I have no one other than my team, at least not here on earth. Sam is a workaholic who has no family whatsoever in Colorado Springs and who doesn't seem to be particularly close to the family she has elsewhere. Teal'c is an alien who has left his whole world behind and is actually living at the base and ever since his divorce Jack doesn't really have anyone to go home to either. That means that we are not torn between our loyalty to our team and our loyalty to our family simply because in a way our team **_has become_** our family.

That has been wonderful for me, in fact I think in a way it has been great for all of us but I'm afraid that right now it is a situation that is making matters worse in Sam's case because it is compromising her ability to stand down from soldier mode... especially because she still sees SG-1 more as her unit than as her family. On top of that the problem is also being compounded by the fact that General Hammond knows he can count on us to be there whenever he needs us without disrupting our family lives and that in turn means that whenever we are on world we are the first team he calls if there is an emergency.

The thing is that while General Hammond's theory is probably correct ninety-nine percent of the time I have to say that right now Sam is stuck in that pesky one percent. That is likely to be adding to what was already a difficult situation to begin with.

In the end I guess that, all rationalizations aside, this whole thing boils down to the fact that my little chat with Sam has confirmed something I had been fearing for a while but couldn't quite bring myself to acknowledge and that has left me in an awkward position. I freely admit that I'm not sure of what to do here. I don't know what the best course of action is under the circumstances, the only thing I know for sure is that doing nothing is not an option.

I'm deeply worried about Sam and oddly enough part of the problem is that she is holding herself together too well for my liking. I know that doesn't really seem to make much sense but it's the truth. I'm afraid that she is holding herself together through sheer willpower and self-control and even though it's been seven months already the truth is that I'm not sure whether or not that's going to be enough. The pressure is mounting and she probably needs to find a safe way to let it out but doing that is not going to be easy for her... especially because she insists on keeping this whole thing a secret.

If one thing was apparent when I tried to talk to her today it was the fact that she most definitely doesn't want anyone to know what happened to her... in fact that thought seemed to be the one thing she found most upsetting when I confronted her and as long as she feels that way, as long as she feels that she has to be the perfect soldier 24/7, then I'm afraid that she is going to keep digging herself into a deeper and deeper hole.

Earlier today she was really terrified as I was trying to get her to talk to me, looking around as if she were afraid that Jack and Teal'c would come in at any moment... and I could see that that was one of the things that was needlessly adding to the stress she was under. That's one of the reasons why I decided to back down... that and the fact that I knew I had already probably pushed her a little harder than I should have had, but in my defense I have to say that I didn't think I had much of a choice in the matter. Sam can be incredibly stubborn when she wants to be... she had to be to get to where she is.

Of course, the fact that 'where she is' is in the Air Force is precisely the thing that adds a whole new layer to this whole ugly mess, one that I fear will only serve to complicate matters even further in a matter that was already complicated enough to begin with.

The fact is that even though there are a few women in the Air Force they remain a tiny minority --as we saw when the whole situation with Hathor went down-- and even though they are officially accepted it is with the tacit understanding that they are to check their feminine side at the door. To this day the military mindset still equates the concept of 'female' with 'weak' and that is a mentality that at times Sam can't quite escape. It is a mentality she has grown up with and it is a mentality that seems to have permeated into far too many aspects of her life.

Simply put, the problem is that Sam is strong enough to be strong but in a way she is not strong enough to be vulnerable and chances are that that is what she's going to have to allow herself to be if she wants to get over this experience... or maybe it is just that she is terrified at the thought of allowing others to see her as vulnerable because she is convinced that she has to live up to what she perceives to be their image of her as a soldier. Either way this time around that attitude is bound to become a serious problem because I don't think that sweeping this under the rug, as she has obviously been trying to do for months, is going to work here. In fact I am fairly certain that sooner or later this whole situation is going to come back to haunt us all unless we do something to help her cope with it... and seeing how she is determined to keep it a secret that 'we' just got translated into 'I'... and **_I_** am way out of my depth here.

In fact I think General Hammond said it best in one of our first meetings, when he announced the creation of the SG teams. He said that we were in so far over our heads we could barely see daylight. He was talking about the fight against the Goa'uld that had just been dropped on our laps, of course, but those words could easily apply to anything I could possibly try to do to help Sam now.

I'm not the best person to help her here, not by a long shot. She needs professional help, I know that much and messing this up terrifies me but the problem is that from what I saw earlier today 'professional help' just isn't an option right now.

Right now it's either me or no one and she is my friend. I'm not going to leave her out to dry simply because I'm afraid... of course that doesn't mean that I'm about to give up on the idea of trying to encourage her to seek some sort of help but I do know that **_that_** is going to be an uphill battle and I am in no position to order her to do anything, not that ordering her would do much good anyway. This is about helping her cope, not about forcing her to conform to someone else's expectations of 'what's best for her'... and yes, that does include my own preconceived notions of what's best for her.

I am well aware that the one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with trauma isn't always the best when it comes to individual situations and I suspect that the traditional approach may not be the right one when it comes to dealing with Sam. Unfortunately I don't have the first clue as to what the 'ideal' alternative in her case could possibly be.

This is a mess and I don't know what to do. I can't betray Sam by telling anyone what happened without her consent, that would be devastating for her but at the same time I know that keeping quiet could end up putting us all in danger. I know that if she were to snap at the wrong time it could literally get us all killed... and yes, I am also well aware that that fear may have more to do with me right now than with anything else. I know Sam's been dealing with this for months and there are no signs of impending doom, it's just that **_I_** am having a hard time trying to come to terms with today's revelation, but at the same time I know that just because there are no obvious signs of impending doom doesn't mean she is out of the woods here.

What I do know is that she is terrified. I am aware that everything else concerning how she's doing, how she's feeling, is little more than speculation on my part, but the thing is that today I saw Sam being downright terrified and that is not a sight I'm used to seeing... far from it. In a way I think seeing her like that was one of the things that bothered me the most about the whole incident... maybe even more than having my fears concerning what had really happened in Simarka confirmed. I was already prepared for that... kind of...

Of course, that's not to say that I'm not having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that those fears **_were_** confirmed, though that is largely due to a different reason altogether. Looking back I can't say that there weren't countless little telltale signs that pointed at the truth of what had happened and I think that, even though she has been doing a very good job in terms of hiding it, one of the main reasons why she was so successful in keeping this from us has to do with the fact that none of us wanted to see it... that we were all trying desperately **_not_** to see it. We didn't want to acknowledge the possibility that Sam might have been raped by Turghan because that would have made us aware of the fact that we had failed her miserably, that we should have gotten to her sooner, that we should have done something differently... and, come to think of it, that is one line of thought that would really bug Sam.

On a rational level I know it's stupid, I know thinking in those terms is not rational but the truth is that I can't quite help it. There's a male part of my brain that says that keeping Sam safe is my responsibility and no matter what I do I can't quite get it to shut up.

Shaking my head I realize that the first thing I have to do is organize my thoughts. Right now they seem to be scattered all over the place and as long as that's the case I'm not going to be getting anywhere here. Once I've managed to organize my thoughts I have to come up with a course of action... but come to think of it the first thing I have to do before I do anything else is to calm down. I'm shocked and angry, horrified by the revelation that one of my closest friends has been going through something like this for months and I didn't even notice, but the fact is that this is not about me.

Yes, I should have noticed... we should all have and we certainly should have been there for Sam, but in the end this is not about placing blame. Well, it's not about placing blame on anyone except on Turghan... he certainly deserves it.

For the time being the most important thing for me is to be there for Sam... whether she wants me in her corner or not.

I understand why she was so reluctant to talk here, I know that pushing her like I did was not the best move but I also know I didn't have that many choices. With a little luck now that the first hurdle is behind us getting her to open up will be a little easier... okay, hoping for easy when dealing with Sam may not be very realistic so I guess I'll settle for a little less difficult.

Still there is some good that came out of today's little chat. If nothing else my attempts at confrontation got me a promise that we will talk about it 'some other time', that we will talk about it 'when we are back home'. I know Sam doesn't intend to have that conversation if she can possibly avoid it, I know she is going to do everything in her power to weasel out of it but I can't let her... not this time around.

There's too much at stake for me to do nothing and hope for the best. SG-1 is my family... or the closest thing to one I have on earth and there's no way I'm turning my back on Sam now. Whether she wants to or not I am going to do my best to help her through this... I just wish it weren't necessary. Of course, it's not quite as 'simple' as that.

The thing that is likely to make this situation even more complicated than it already is is the fact that she was right when she said that I don't understand. I don't know what it is, I can't even describe the gut feeling behind the sensation in the pit of my stomach but I know that there is something in this whole thing that no matter how I look at it just doesn't make sense and I can't help but fear that even now I'm only seeing half the picture.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, about last week's reviews (and boy were there a lot of them, thank you!). One thing that keeps popping up are the requests for more frequent updates. While getting a request for an update is one of the most flattering aspects of getting a review I decided to provide you with a bit of an explanation here to avoid a guessing game as to when the next chapter will be posted. Right now I'm working on two stories "Under Alien Skies-Propagation" and "Birds of a Feather". "Under Alien Skies" gets updated Friday mornings and "Birds..." gets updated Monday mornings. I know that may seem a little slow but I'd rather keep it slow and steady rather than running the risk of getting caught up with what I have written and leaving you hanging for months (I hate it when that happens). Still, to keep you reviewing, let me point out that even though reviews won't get me to post more often they will be instrumental in deciding whether or not the sequel(s) get written at all, so if you like this story review, review, review (okay, so I'm begging here). 


	6. Chapter 6: The Best Defense

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 6: The Best Defense  
(Daniel's POV)

To my surprise a couple of hours after we were released from base Sam knocked on my door. I had all these scenarios running through my mind in which I had to chase her down and tie her to a chair in order to get her to talk to me but she caught me totally off guard by coming to me instead... a fact that clearly tells me just how scared she really is. I know she's not here because she wants to be, she's not here because she wants to talk. She is here because she is terrified that I'm going to let something slip and the fact that she is still worried about that saddens me... still, as long as she's here I might as well take advantage of the opportunity because I'm not likely to get another one like it any time soon.

I'm not naive, I know Sam and I know she is here simply because she did the math and came to the realization that talking to me here and now is the lesser of two evils. She did the math and she realized that now that I know I'm not going to back down, that if she were to try to avoid me I would probably keep on pushing and **_that's_** the chance she doesn't want to take. She is here because she feels that we can either talk here, where she knows she is reasonably safe and she can be sure that we won't be overheard, or she can take the chance that I will try to talk to her again when we are off-world... where Jack and Teal'c are bound to be near by.

In other words she's here but she doesn't want to be here, in fact she'd rather be anywhere **_but_** here. Right now for her being here is a form of torture and I don't have a clue as to what I can possibly do to try to break the ice. What am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to try to make some sort of chitchat? Talk about the weather or about our latest mission? Well... maybe talking about our latest mission could work, at least it would give me a way to bring up the subject but Sam is so tense right now that even thinking about it makes me feel guilty.

Not knowing what else to do I focus on the immediate things, on being polite and playing the good host, offering her a cup of coffee and some cookies... anything that could possibly give me a chance to break --or at least lessen-- the tension because right now I'm not even sure which one of us is more worried. I feel like I'm walking through a maze, a labyrinth and I don't even have a thread to guide me... and to make matters worse I'm not alone, I'm not the one who runs the risk of getting lost should I make a false move here, Sam is.

I know I'm not pushing her just for kicks, I'm doing it because there's no one else to do it and I'm convinced that someone should, but that doesn't mean that I can afford to mess this one up, no way. I may have the best intentions but I am well aware of what they say about the road to hell.

Looking up I realize that Sam is smiling nervously at me. Apparently she is aware of my discomfort --which, come to think of it, is not really all that surprising-- and I'm relieved to see that she is not too mad at me. The truth is that after the way in which I pushed things back on that planet I wasn't sure about that and that's why seeing her smile is so oddly reassuring. I don't have much in the way of family here on earth... and that is only because I am counting my grandfather. That means that alienating my friends is not an option.

Shaking my head I pour a couple of cups of coffee and bring them back to the living room with me. Playing the host is a familiar and comforting bit of mindless routine... the only problem with it is that once I'm done I immediately realize that I'm almost out of stalling tactics and sooner rather than later I'll have no choice but to say something. Funny how having to say something can be the hardest part of a conversation. I'm not usually at a loss for words and I don't like it. Not knowing what else to do I hand Sam her mug and sit on the opposite end of the couch.

For the next couple of minutes we sip our drinks in silence, both of us trying to make them last as long as we can, knowing that once the coffee is gone we are going to have no choice but to face things here.

"I'm not going to eat you, Sam," I say trying to break the ice, anything I can do to alleviate the tension.

"I know," she says, sounding far from convinced.

"Then what is it?"

"It's just that... I don't know."

"What do you mean?" I ask, sensing that what she is trying to say is **_not_** that she is at a loss for words... or at least that there's more to it than that.

"I don't know what's going to happen," she explains.

"About?"

"About anything, really. I mean, I don't know what to say, I don't know what you want me to tell you, I don't know how you are going to react to any of this and I don't know what's going to happen... and I really hate not knowing."

"Whoa, what do you mean you don't know what I want you to tell me? This is not some sort of test, Sam, there are no right and wrong answers here and the last thing I want to do is hurt you."

"I know that but still..."

"But still what?"

"It's not so simple. I'm in trouble, big trouble, I know that much, but the thing is that as long as no one knew anything about it I was reasonably safe. Now this whole thing has turned into a mess and I don't have a clue as to how to sort this out."

"So you don't think it was a mess before?" I ask, not quite believing my ears.

"That's not what I meant. I mean, yes it was bad but I was dealing with it and at least I had it under control but now..."

"Okay, let's change tracks here for a minute. You said that before you had things under control, are you saying that now you feel like you are no longer in control?"

"Yes, sort of... it's complicated," she says, looking down at her empty mug and I wonder if I should offer her a refill but I decide against it. Tempting as it may be, stalling won't help either one of us right now and I know it.

"Well, then why don't you try to explain it to me?"

"I'm worried about what you are going to do with what you know. I just want to put it all behind me... I mean, I can't help thinking about what happened at times but it's not like I can change it and it's just such a huge waste of time. And then there's the fact that as long as no one knew, no one could say anything that could get me in trouble... that's what I meant when I said I was safe, only now..."

"And that's what you are worried about, isn't it? About someone else finding out about this? You are worried that I'm going to let this slip, that's why you decided to come here. This is a preemptive strike because you are worried that I'll do something that will end up leaving you exposed."

"Not intentionally, but yes," she admits, looking at me.

"Would it help if I were to promise not to say anything to anyone unless you agree?" I ask, not knowing what else I could possibly say to try to reassure her.

"I don't know, Daniel. I really don't know."

"Tell me what you want me to do then."

"I wish you could just forget all about this, that the conversation we had on that planet had never taken place but I know that's not going to happen. What do I want you to do that is actually feasible? I have no idea about that one. It's like this whole thing is spiraling out of control and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

"Okay, then why don't we go back to the beginning. What kind of trouble do you think I'm likely to get you in?" I ask, still trying to get her to break the problem down into manageable chunks.

"The military kind. No one can ever know and I'm not sure you realize that... I'm not sure you understand just how important that is. Back on that planet when you started asking all those questions..."

"I'm sorry, please believe me when I say that I never meant to get you in trouble... maybe I should have waited until we were here on earth but you had been avoiding me more and more and I didn't know what else to do. I had the feeling that if I **_didn't_** confront you then and there things would get even worse and I didn't want that to happen. I could see that I was making you nervous and I couldn't think of another way to break that tension, that's why I decided to push it," I explain.

"You just kept looking at me and I knew you were suspicious about something. I know trying to avoid you probably wasn't the best strategy but I..."

"I never meant to corner you."

"Yes, you did. You may have had the best intentions but you were trying to corner me. You saw a mystery and you wanted an answer."

"No, I didn't see a mystery, I saw a friend who was hurting and was determined to shut me out. There's a difference."

"And didn't you think that maybe there was a reason for that, that maybe it was none of your business in the first place?" she snaps.

"No, I didn't. I don't have so many friends that I can afford to ignore the ones I do, sorry," I say, not willing to back down.

"That's not what this is about!"

"No, it's about the fact that you are shutting everyone out and it's obviously **_not_** helping. How long has it been, Sam?" I ask.

"You know it, about seven months and I was doing fine."

"Were you?"

"Yes, I was doing my job, I was getting on with my life the only way I could."

"What do you mean 'the only way you could'?"

"I already told you, no one can ever know, what else did you expect me to do? Take out a full page ad in the paper?"

"No, but maybe **_not_** trying to carry the world on your shoulders would have been a good start. You didn't want anyone in the military to know, fine, I get that, but as everyone keeps reminding me, I'm **_not_** military."

"No, but you work **_for_** the military... you don't understand."

"Of course I don't, you haven't told me anything! You want me to understand? Then talk to me, Sam. That's why I'm here!"

"It's not so simple."

"No, it's not so simple, but I don't think it's that complicated either," I challenge.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I think that while the situation is pretty complex, you are actually making matters worse by trying to deal with this on your own... especially when you don't have to."

"But..."

"But you don't want anyone to know, I get that much. Well, I already know... or at least I've got an idea, so care to tell me what really happened in Simarka?"

"Nothing."

"Sam..."

"Would you can the pop-psych 101 already?"

"Is that what you think this is?"

"I don't know."

"I just want to help you."

"I know but..."

"Why did you come here tonight?" I finally ask, realizing that we are at a standstill. I wanted her to trust me but I'm afraid right now that's not going to happen and my best bet is going to be to use her fears against her. Yes, I know this is not the kindest way for me to do this but I suspect it will be the most efficient one and this is one instance in which the longer this takes the harder and more painful it will be for her.

"You know why I came. I came because you know too much."

"In other words you came because you felt you had no choice," I point out.

"I guess," she admits, rather reluctantly.

"So, since you know we are going to have this conversation no matter what, wanna get this show on the road?" I ask with a smile, trying to get her to see what I mean even though she is unwilling to hear the words... which is why I'm not even trying to say them.

"It's not like I have much of a choice here, is it?" she mutters.

"What happened in Simarka, Sam?"

"You are not going to let this go, are you?... never mind, I know you won't," she says with a sigh before going on. "The whole thing went down pretty much as I said it did right after we came home, I never really lied about it, I just left out a few details that weren't anyone else's business in the first place, that's all."

"Some pretty significant details," I point out.

"Maybe, the thing is that when you were at that celebration and I was stuck in the women's tent I was getting really frustrated. I could **_hear_** everything that was going on outside and I really wanted to join you but I couldn't and I knew it so in an attempt to escape from the constant reminders I decided to go to sleep early... after all, seeing how I wasn't going to be staying with you it wasn't like I was going to have to keep watch and seeing how I was stuck in that damned tent I couldn't even get any work done. If I hadn't gone to sleep then chances are that none of the things that followed would have happened."

"What do you mean?"

"I woke up with Abu's knife to my throat and I could still hear the singing going on outside... that's why no one heard anything. If I hadn't been trying to escape by going to sleep early in the first place then Abu wouldn't have been able to get the drop on me like he did."

I nod my head at her words even though I don't think it is that simple. Still, she is having a hard enough time trying to get this whole story out in the open and I don't think interrupting her now would help. After a couple of seconds she goes on.

"At first I didn't really know what he wanted with me, he tied me up, gagged me and dragged me to where a couple of horses were waiting for us. It was only when we stopped early the next morning to rest the horses for a while that I learned that he was going to trade me... and then we reached Turghan's camp. Being sold like a piece of meat was humiliating to say the least. I tried to tell Turghan that I didn't belong to Abu, that I had been abducted and that you would be coming to get me but he threatened to have me beaten... that was his first threat and the only thing that kept him from carrying it out was the fact that I didn't belong to him... **_yet_**. I tried to fight back but with a knife to my throat I knew there was virtually nothing I could do so I did as I was told, I spun around so that he could appreciate the 'merchandise' better, even if my every instinct was rebelling against that simple act of submission. Turghan told Abu to name his price and he asked for Nya but Turghan refused, saying that she had already been promised to another chieftain... then Turghan offered three hundred pieces of gold for me and Abu had no choice but to accept. The bargain was sealed.

"It still feels so strange to think of myself as a thing, as something they were bargaining for as if I weren't even there. At some point Turghan said that he valued spirit in his horses, not his women. In a way I think that was one of the worst parts of the whole thing for me. I'm a scientist but in that world my mind was worth nothing. I existed for two things and two things only: to give Turghan pleasure and to bear his children, to give him **_sons_**, that was it.

"Anyway, after Abu left I was taken to the women's area and I was ordered to help prepare the day's meal... a woman's job that if nothing else demonstrated how little Turghan knew about me... how little he **_wanted_** to know. I mean, have you ever tried my cooking?"

I smile at that, recognizing the feeble attempt at inappropriate humor for what it is, an attempt by Sam to bring herself back to the present... still, it's good to see some of the old Sam coming through even now.

"No, I haven't but somehow I don't think I want to try it."

"I always knew you were a smart man, Daniel Jackson," she says before going on. "Anyway, as I was helping the women I got what I thought was a chance to get away. I was chopping vegetables and that meant I had a knife. It wasn't much but it was a weapon... a weapon that was almost as good as the ones used by most of Turghan's warriors and it was something I knew I could use to my advantage. It gave me hope and it was then that I tried to escape and while at first it seemed easy enough I made one critical mistake: I took one of his horses forgetting the obvious fact that horses can be taught... that, in a society that relied as heavily on horses as the one in Simarka did, those horses were likely to be exceptionally well trained.

"To make a long story short some of Turghan's men were watching the perimeter, they saw me and simply called the horse I was riding and before I knew what was happening it threw me off. The men surrounded me almost immediately. That was as far as my attempted escape got me... that and in a whole lot of trouble," she says and I know that I'm not going to like what's coming next... not that I was expecting any of this to be pleasant.


	7. Chapter 7: Of Words Best Left Unspoken

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1  
Additional warning: while this chapter is not particularly graphic, it is definitely disturbing._**

Chapter 7: Of Words Best Left Unspoken  
(Daniel's POV)

"After I got caught trying to escape I was brought back to Turghan's tent... Nya's mother was there and he was going to punish her for letting me get away... for failing to keep me there but I stopped him. She was about to be held responsible for my actions and she was just sitting there, willing to take her punishment as if it were deserved. I just couldn't let that happen so I challenged him to beat me instead and that made him mad... that's when he said that he valued spirit in his horses not his women. Anyway, after I challenged him he kissed me, hard, warned me that if I did not obey I would suffer far worse than a beating and then dragged me to his private tent. I knew I was in big trouble then, especially because he had been willing to discipline Nya's mother in front of his men. He tied me to the tent's center pole, ripped my dress and then he...

"When I first felt that flogger on my back I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of hearing me scream... it hurt, it hurt bad but I thought that was something I could actually control and I was determined to keep quiet. The fact that I was trying not to make a sound only made him angrier and he started putting more and more force behind each blow. He was determined to break me and he was going to do whatever it took to do it. In the end it didn't take me too long to figure out that he was bound to win that round, that sooner or later I would have to give in because he **_could_** keep it up for hours, he wasn't the one who was in pain. After a while I couldn't help myself any longer and by the time he finished I was begging him to stop. By then my back and shoulders were killing me... I had never felt anything like that before but he wasn't done with me, not by a long shot. For Turghan the whole thing had been about teaching me a lesson, about making sure I understood that he could do whatever he wanted to me, that there was absolutely **_nothing_** I could do and the lesson wasn't quite complete yet. He wanted to teach me that I belonged to him and that my only hope was to submit... he wanted me to know there was no way I could win. That was something the rest of **_his_** women already knew, something they never would have questioned in the first place, and he was determined to make sure I got the message."

"What do you mean, Sam?"

"After I was sent back to the women's area Nya said something to me, she said that Turghan would never hit a woman unless she deserved it... that was something that had been beaten into her from the day she was born but there was no way I could accept it. I tried to tell her that there were no excuses, that her father didn't have the right to hit a woman under any circumstances but thinking back I don't think she could even imagine what I meant. Still, one of the things that Turghan made absolutely clear to me while I was in there was that the only real requirement for him to punish me was his desire to do so. I don't know if that makes sense, I don't know how to explain it... I'm not even sure if I understand it myself and, believe me, I've been trying for months. The thing is that at first when he was beating me he kept telling me that he wanted me to scream for him but when I did he turned to punishing me for failing to keep silent instead. He kept saying that a woman's lot was to endure her pain in silence and I was going to learn to behave like a woman... he said that that was the reason why the gods had brought me to him in the first place.

"I don't know how long that went on but when he finally stopped there was a moment when I thought it was all over, I thought he was done with me but he wasn't. He began probing between my legs and I knew what was going to happen next. I tried to prepare myself, I tried to figure out if there was a way for me to fight him but deep down I knew there was nothing I could do. He was stronger than I was, I was already in pain as a result of the beating... and I knew that even if by some miracle I could manage to make it out of that tent his men would drag me back again and things would be that much worse... but I couldn't bring myself to submit either."

"Why not?" I ask, even though I'm pretty sure I know what she means.

"Because submitting would have been the same as acknowledging that he owned me and I wasn't willing to do that. Anyway, he was still standing behind me and then he whispered something in my ear, pulled his fingers out and cut the ropes.

"I tried to get away then, it was an instinctive reaction, but my body wasn't really responding. The pain when my arms were released and fell to my sides was excruciating and I could barely move. Before I knew it I was on my back, he was pulling my legs apart and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it."

"That's when it happened?" I ask, not so much because I have any doubts about it but rather because I think Sam needs to hear a friendly voice, something that can remind her that she **_isn't_** there, that what she is remembering is just a memory.

"Yes. I tried to fight him off but I couldn't... I was feeling so damned weak... I tried to tell him that he had no right to do that but he told me that no woman would ever refuse him... that I belonged to him and it was time for me to learn my place. He said that it was time for me to learn that he owned me and that he could do whatever he wanted with me then he..."

"Just tell me what you are comfortable with, Sam," I say, just to say something... especially because it's damned obvious that she is not comfortable talking about **_any_** of this.

"It was bad. I mean I was in pain... everything hurt, being on my back after having just been beaten and the fact that he chose to do it on the ground because he said a woman like me would never soil his bed wasn't exactly helping matters and there wasn't a damned thing I could do about any of it. I was helpless... totally at his mercy. All I could do was lie there and try to endure... that or wish that he would kill me, at times I wasn't sure which one was the better option. I mean, I knew you guys would be coming for me and that kept me going but if you hadn't been there, if I hadn't had that hope to hold on to... if what he was doing to me had been the only thing I had to look forward to as my future I don't know what I would have done. I would probably have pushed him to finish me off..."

"I'm sorry, I really thought we had gotten to you in time. We never even thought that we hadn't. Moughal wanted to go into Turghan's camp to trade in the morning but Jack asked what would happen at night and he said that Turghan would 'partake in his newest purchase' and we knew we couldn't wait but seeing how we got you before nightfall we assumed you were fine. I can't believe we didn't see..." I trail off, not knowing what else to say or how to fix this. We never even thought about the fact that Moughal could have been wrong about Turghan waiting... we never **_wanted_** to even consider it.

"I didn't want you to see," says Sam, pulling me out of my musings. "At first, when I saw you I was so relieved... I was so happy to be back with you that it was almost as if nothing else mattered, for a moment I was so overjoyed that I almost forgot what had happened. I was so relieved that I could barely feel the pain but at the same time I also knew I couldn't let my guard down just yet. Yes, Moughal was nowhere near as bad as Turghan but he followed the same laws, the same code, and I didn't want to take any chances. I couldn't run the risk that I'd make him mad and end up getting in trouble again... in that world a woman's duty was to endure her pain in silence, that was one lesson I had learned well and I wasn't willing to take any chances. I knew that up until we came home I wouldn't really be safe... I knew I just had to keep going. I knew I couldn't stop no matter what."

"If it hadn't been for Moughal's words maybe we would have insisted that we hurry, that we try and get there sooner."

"It wasn't your fault. I think... I think that maybe if I hadn't angered him by trying to escape he wouldn't have hurt me."

"**_WHAT?_** Sam, don't you **_ever_** let me hear you blaming yourself like that again. None of what happened was your fault. You know you did nothing wrong, you know you didn't deserve what Turghan did to you, don't you?"

"I know... all I'm saying is that what Moughal told you was probably right, he had no way of knowing that I was going to push Turghan like I did, if I hadn't..."

"Sam..."

"What?"

"Never mind," I say realizing that she's not even aware of the fact that she is still taking on Turghan's blame and knowing that now is not the time to tackle that one. "The thing is that I only wish we could have been there sooner, that we could have reached you before you had to endure..."

"Oh, believe me... you were in time... if you hadn't come when you did he would have..."

"How can you say that we were in time? That bastard raped you!" I all but scream at her, not quite believing my ears.

"Yes, he did but that wasn't the only thing he was going to do, believe me... the time I spent there... well, let's just say it was a lesson in perspective. Do you know why I wasn't more seriously injured than I was when he beat me?" she asks, catching me totally off-guard.

"What do you mean if I know why your injuries weren't worse? They were bad enough!" I say, still struggling to understand what she is trying to tell me.

"Maybe, but that's not the point, the point is that I don't know how many times that damned thing came down on my back and he wasn't exactly holding back... and yet the damage went no further than extensive bruising and a couple of scratches. Sure, it was extremely painful but it certainly wasn't serious, why was that?"

"I don't know, I don't get what you are getting at," I say, more than a little frustrated.

"I'm getting at the fact that the only reason why he didn't do more damage was because he didn't want to. I belonged to him and it wasn't in **_his_** best interest to permanently damage **_his_** property. That's why that flogger was designed in such a way as **_not_** to break the skin, that was the reason why it was designed **_not_** to leave any scars or permanent marks. The only reason why I wasn't more seriously injured had nothing to do with him being reluctant to hurt me, it had to do with him wanting to preserve my market value. Do you have any idea of what it feels like to be reduced to being nothing more than someone else's property, to know that the only reason why your skin is **_not_** being ripped to shreds is because your **_owner_** wants to protect his investment? Do you have any idea of what the women in that world went through on a daily basis? Do you have any idea of what he was about to do to me? Believe me, being raped was **_nothing_**. You were in time... you were in time..."

"What is it that you aren't telling me, Sam? What do you mean we were in time? In time for what? What else did he do to you?" I ask, not liking her desperation or her insistence on the fact that we were in time when we clearly weren't, not liking the way in which her words trailed off and feeling once again that there's something I'm still missing here, something important.

"It's not so much what he did to me but what he was about to do," she whispers. "As I said, you were in time. If you hadn't gotten to me when you did he would have..."

"What do you mean? What was he going to do?" I push, even though right now I'm not entirely sure I want to know.

"I told you that when he first pushed his fingers into me he said something... something I didn't really understand, at least not at the time. At first I didn't know what he meant, not really but then Nya..."

"What did he say, Sam?" I ask, more than a little worried. She is no longer fighting me, it's like she has finally decided to let it all out and even though that is what I was trying to get her to do the truth is that I'm feeling more than a little lost here. I know this is not about me but I can't help it. I don't like what I'm seeing here. The way in which she is acting is very different from the confident captain I'm used to dealing with and **_that_** is yet another unwelcome reminder of just how far from fine things really are.

"He said that I was filthy... a whore. He said that he was going to make me clean... he said that he was going to make a proper woman out of me, a woman worthy of becoming his wife and bearing his children... he said that he was going to cut the 'male spirit' out of me. At first I thought he was pissed because I wasn't a virgin... the first part, the one about me being filthy and a whore seemed to make sense, sort of, but nothing else did, you know? When he first said that I was almost happy that there was something I could deny him but..."

"But what?"

"But that wasn't what he meant, not at all. When he was done, before he sent me back to the area that was reserved for his women he summoned an old woman... the clan's midwife. He told her that I was unclean and he ordered her to take care of it right away... she said that it was too late, that there wasn't enough daylight left for the rituals to be carried out, that I'd have to be prepared. She promised that it would be done first thing in the morning, then she helped me get dressed. I was kind of out of it and I didn't really understand much about what was going on, I didn't know what the old woman was supposed to take care of but somehow I knew it wasn't good so when I had a chance I asked Nya and she told me what her father had meant... in excruciating detail. She talked about it like it was something natural... something to be expected and even celebrated. There was a little girl at the camp, her sister or half-sister. She was about ten years old, I think... I saw her... I saw what they had done to her... I knew that was what they were going to do to me and that's when I got **_really_** scared. While I was in Turghan's tent I knew you guys would be coming for me eventually, that was the certainty I had to cling to. I knew I just had to hold on a little longer and then I'd be fine but once I saw that girl I wasn't sure if you would get to me before she... before they..."

"Before they what, Sam?" I ask, still not liking how upset she is but unsure as to what I could possibly do about it.

I see her look down, shaking her head as if she were unable to say the words and I can't help the feeling of dread that's creeping into me. There's something about the words Turghan said to her, something that is eerily familiar. I'm beginning to suspect where this is going but she can't possibly mean that he was going to have her... no, there's no way she's talking about **_that_**. I'm just thinking too much like an egyptologist here, that is all... after all their civilization was patterned basically after that of the Mongols, not the Egyptians so that can't be it. What he told her, that's just a coincidence, it has to be.

I shake my head, trying to get rid of the images that have crept into my mind but it's not working. I need to know, I need to hear her tell me that I'm wrong but there's no way I can possibly ask her that. I can't even bring myself to think the words, much less say them out loud and I certainly can't expect her to say them either... especially because **_that_** can't be what she means. Not knowing what else to do I put my hand on her shoulder, trying to offer some sort of support but not daring to take the physical contact any further than that... not right now. That simple gesture, however, is enough to encourage her to go on, even as I feel her trembling.

She looks up at me, hesitates for a moment and then she whispers, "let's just say that the names of the old gods are not the only thing associated with Egypt and the pharaohs that was left behind by the Goa'uld when they scattered humans throughout the universe."

The words are spoken so softly that I can barely make them out but they are more than enough for me to confirm what I had feared. I can't stay away from her any longer so I pull her into a hug, offering comfort the only way I can.

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**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, first of all I want to thank you for taking the time to review. Those reviews really make my day (and not in a Dirty Harry kind of way). Now I have a couple of little questions I'd like to ask you here: 

The first one has to do with whether that was too cryptic or if it actually made sense (or maybe it was **_way_** too obvious). The second one has to do with what do you think was Turghan's threat. Also, I know some of you may find the idea of Sam saying that being raped was nothing to be hard to swallow, please give me one more week to explain that one before you flame me (especially if you are not sure as to what the nature of the threat was in the first place).

And here you thought **_last week's_** cliffhanger was bad (on a positive note, the cliffhanger **_will_** be resolved next week).

_**Additional note**_: While I'm not convinced that it is warranted, I've just changed the rating of this story from "T" to "M". Also, in case of emergency, should this story mysteriously disappear it is also available via one of my sites (URL can be found in my profile).


	8. Chapter 8: Of Fears Redefined

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

**_Additional warnings_**: okay guys, let's go over this **_again_**. This story is not fit for young children. It is 'T-rated' (yes, I changed it back to where I feel it belongs now that the worse of the cliffhanger is finally over) due to the fact that it features non-descriptive talk of disturbing/adult issues though nothing happens on-screen... or anywhere **_near_** the screen for that matter (in fact the most disturbing of the possibilities that are mentioned here don't even happen at all). Anyway, just to recap, as mentioned in the first chapter there are non-descriptive references to rape, sexism and the **_'brighter'_** side of human history and human traditions here (and the use of the word 'brighter' in this context is meant as an example of what's commonly known as sarcasm, just in case there was any doubt about that). Please proceed with caution.

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Chapter 8: Of Fears Redefined  
(Daniel's POV)

Though she is usually not all that comfortable with physical contact right now Sam is holding on to me like a lifeline. She is trembling and I can almost taste the fear pouring out of her but she is not crying... she still refuses to give up control in that regard, not that I'm particularly surprised by that fact. It's been drilled into her that crying is a sign of weakness, something a 'good soldier' just doesn't do and that is not a form of conditioning she is likely to overcome any time soon... of course right now that doesn't really matter. I have more than enough with trying to come to terms with what she's told me. The truth is that I am utterly horrified by what she's been going through and I can't even begin to imagine what holding on to her secret --trying to deal with all of this on her own-- has been like... or how terrifying waiting for us to show up must have been for her under the circumstances, when she didn't even know whether or not we would get to her in time.

There are a number of things we never really expected to encounter off-world even though, thinking back, we probably should have. The truth is that in a way I can't help but blame myself for everything that's happened here and for everything that Sam's been going through since our mission to Simarka. I'm supposed to be the team's contact specialist, the one who is expected to figure out the what, how and why of the cultures we encounter **_before _** we find ourselves in trouble but I failed, I failed big time.

What happened in Simarka happened because I made the wrong call time and time again even though I really should have known better, that is the simple and undeniable truth. I could try to justify myself by saying that there was so much I didn't know at the time but that wouldn't do anything to change the facts and those facts speak for themselves... besides, the fact that I didn't know any better is no excuse. If anything it is a clear indication of just how completely I forgot myself. One simple rule of field work is that when you don't know what you are dealing with you play it safe and move cautiously... and I didn't, not by a long shot.

Even now as I'm holding Sam and trying to reassure her --as I am forced to come face to face with the consequences of my actions-- I keep going over all the ways in which this whole thing could have been prevented and I can't help but cringe at the extent of my own blindness, of my own arrogance and stupidity.

I remember everything that happened in Simarka with a sickening clarity. I remember Abu being chased by the dogs and I also remember how just a few minutes after our arrival he told us to leave, to get Sam out of there. He was really insistent on that particular point and even after Moughal said that Sam would be allowed to live she wanted to return to earth but I was the one who insisted that we should stay. My curiosity got the best of me and it was Sam who paid the price. That was the most glaring one of my mistakes though it was certainly **_not_** the only one. There were others that may have been less glaring but were no less devastating, like the fact that we allowed them to segregate Sam but took no action to ensure that she'd be kept safe, trusting Moughal's word in that regard instead. We chose to join their celebration when we should have been keeping an eye on her, especially after everything we had seen of how women were treated in that particular society.

Yes, I dropped the ball big time and that is something that has been bothering me since we came back, since long before this latest revelation. It is something that has been bothering me ever since I saw the condition her back was in after we returned... a condition that I am now seeing in an entirely different light. Back then I thought that her physical injuries had been the extent of the price she had had to pay for my mistake, now I am well aware that that was not the case, far from it.

I still cannot believe she managed to defeat Turghan in spite of her injuries but I guess adrenaline really is a wonderful thing... though I do find her explanation as to why her injuries **_weren't_** worse to be deeply disturbing. In that regard she is right when she says I just don't understand. I have read the books, I know the history and I know it's not a history that is confined to Simarka but in spite of the fact that I **_know_** about it I just don't **_understand_** it... I never have.

Even now I can't begin to imagine what was going through her mind as she fought Turghan for his daughter's life... or what possessed her to go back to save that girl in the first place. I understand that she felt responsible and I understand that she couldn't stand the idea of allowing Nya to die --especially not when she had been the one to convince her to stand up to her father-- but still for her to insist on going back is something I find to be all but inconceivable, even if a part of me does understand. The truth is that Sam had been totally unaware of what the punishment for Nya's disobedience would be but still she felt responsible for the consequences of the girl's defiance, just as I am overwhelmed right now by the consequences of my own failures.

The bottom line is that her fight against Turghan should never have been allowed to happen. Not by our standards and certainly not by theirs.

Both Moughal and Turghan were supposed to adhere to a strict code of honor --one that had some glaring loopholes as far as I'm concerned but a strict code of honor nonetheless-- and the fact is that, even though we were unaware of it at the time, Turghan cheated.

I remember how when Moughal first challenged him Turghan said that even suggesting that he would ever fight an old man, and a cripple at that, was an insult to his honor but Sam was injured and he knew it. He knew it because she had been injured by his hand even if we didn't know about it at the time... and Sam fought him knowing that if she were to lose not only would Nya be killed but also that the deal we had made with Turghan to set her free in the first place would be nullified. That was the tacit agreement, that was the reason why after defeating him she forced him to say that she was free to go in front of his men. She fought him knowing what would happen to her if she were to lose that confrontation and that is the most chilling thought of all.

The good news is that against all odds and in spite of her injuries she managed to prevail. She beat him even though he didn't play fair and the fact that she was the one to defeat Turghan was probably the one thing that helped her the most, the thing that helped her regain and maintain some semblance of control. Chances are that by defeating Turghan when she did she also managed to slay quite a few of her own demons regarding what she had been through in that camp and in that regard that confrontation was probably priceless.

It is ironic to think that if any of us would have had any idea of what had been done to her or even that she had been hurt we would never have allowed it to happen. If we had known that Sam was hurt, Turghan would never have been allowed within miles of her and we certainly wouldn't have allowed her to fight him for Nya's life. Yes, we understood why saving that girl's life was so important for Sam but as far as we were concerned Sam had to come first, that was our top priority. If we had known we wouldn't have stopped at all, we would just have kept on riding until we had reached the safety of the stargate and our own world.

I am brought back to the here and now by the realization that Sam's trembling is finally subsiding.

"You are safe now," I whisper, even though I know it's a stupid thing to say, not really letting go of her just yet but relaxing my hold on her enough to allow her to get away from me if she wants to.

"I know," she says, still not pulling away. "It's just that I had never really thought about it, you know? I never even thought of something like that being anywhere near the realm of possibility, it wasn't something I ever imagined encountering... it was something I never even thought could possibly exist. I mean, even when I was growing up I always kind of knew that being raped was a possibility. It wasn't something I thought much about or anything like that but it was something I knew could happen, something I saw happen to more than one of my friends, but that... I can't get the image of that little girl out of my mind. She was just lying there with her legs bound from the waist down, totally immobilized and covered in her own waste and her own family thought that what had been done to her was something to be celebrated. It was something that had been done to her mother and would someday be done to her own daughters and no one even questioned it. Do you remember how when we were in Moughal's camp I complained about being left behind in a tent that smelt like yak urine? Well, let's just say that the smell in that tent was nothing compared to the stench in the tent to which that child was confined. The stench in that tent was awful, even with the herbs they were burning to try and disguise it and she had been there for weeks as she healed after being... and one of the women was the one who had actually done that to her, who had done it to all of them. Every time I close my eyes now I see..."

"Are you really having that much trouble sleeping?" I ask, more than a little shocked. I knew Sam was having some occasional nightmares, I had noticed that much in the course of our missions but I hadn't really thought it was that bad. Of course, seeing how badly I had underestimated the whole situation and what she had gone through in Turghan's camp, the fact that I had also underestimated how much trouble she is having sleeping is hardly a surprising revelation. Still, it is definitely a very bad sign.

"Yes," she admits, not meeting my eyes. "Off-world I can kind of work around it but here..."

"Work around it?" I ask, not entirely sure of what she means by that.

"When we are off-world I can volunteer to take the second watch and that helps," she explains. "I know that usually the first and last watches are supposed to be the easiest ones because they allow for a greater number of hours of uninterrupted sleep but the thing is that when I have the second watch I'm usually tired enough to be able to manage a couple of good hours of sleep and I know there is going to be someone there to wake me up before the dreams start. I stay awake for a while and then I get a couple more hours worth of rest. Sure, I usually wake up a little earlier than I'm supposed to but it's not so bad. It is... manageable."

"And when you are home?" I ask, even though I have my suspicions.

"Then it's a lot more complicated," she admits. "I hate going to sleep, I keep putting it off until I can't keep my eyes open any longer but then after a while the dreams come and I wake up terrified... it's like I'm back in Simarka and I can still smell the stench of that camp, of that tent. I shower but the scent just won't go away because it's not really real... though it certainly feels that way and then I try to work, read or do anything I can possibly think of to keep myself busy until it's time for me to report back to base... that is, if I bothered to go home at all. Sometimes I just stay at the mountain and that way I can go back to my lab and actually get some work done."

"And this has been going on for months? Sam, you can't go on like that!"

"Believe me, it wouldn't be my first choice either... in those nights... I've been trying to understand... especially when I'm stuck back at my place. I mean, being an astrophysicist I can't exactly take my work home with me so I spend hours going over everything I can possibly find online... and hating most of what I find."

"About...?"

"About **_it_**. I mean, I admit I've never been big on social issues and as stupid as it may sound, when we first came home I thought it was all over. I thought what I had encountered in Turghan's camp had just been something barbaric that was restricted to Simarka... it was only when I was trying to learn more about the way in which old earth cultures treated women --while I was trying to find something that could make it possible for me to avoid another situation such as the one I had found myself in on that planet-- that I realized that it wasn't something that was native to Simarka at all.

"The thing is that after we came back I was really confused but I was also more than a little scared. I knew that the culture we had encountered in Simarka was reminiscent of an ancient earth civilization and I knew their reaction to my presence wasn't likely to be unique. That's why I thought that I might as well do a little research into those old cultures to get a general idea of just what it was that I was likely to run into out there in the first place. I really didn't want to be caught off guard ever again, that was my main concern.

"It was while I was trying to figure out what else might be out there waiting for me that I realized that what Turghan had threatened to do to me was in fact something that had originated here on earth... that it was something that could actually be traced back to Ancient Egypt and that it was something that to this day is still being done to millions of girls here in our own world. There is even a nice set of initials to describe it... FGM. It makes it all sound so safe, so harmless... so clinical and sterile until you look under the surface and you find other words but even those don't have much meaning... not enough to describe..."

"I know," I say rubbing her back. I can see she is exhausted and for once she is not trying to hide it... the problem is that there's basically nothing I can do about it.

"No, you don't, it's not just those damned initials, it's the fact that I was so damned oblivious... that I never even thought about it, that I didn't even know that it existed, not really. If you had asked me eight months ago what's a pharaonic circumcision I wouldn't have had the first clue what you were talking about and now all of a sudden I have to accept that not only is it a possibility I faced once but it is something that I may well have to face again... and that maybe next time I won't be so lucky. If I had escaped Turghan just a little bit **_earlier_** then maybe the hours of daylight would have been enough for that woman to... I can't stop thinking about it... I keep seeing myself as I saw that little girl and I hate it. I absolutely hate it..."

"It's okay, I understand and you are right, we should have been more careful. **_I_** should have been more careful."

"You?" she asks, finally pulling away from me enough to actually meet my eyes.

"Yes, I shouldn't have allowed myself to forget. I knew we were dealing with a culture based on an ancient civilization and a warrior culture at that. I should have remembered that those ancient civilizations were once alive and, to be perfectly honest, quite brutal... I should have realized that their descendants weren't likely to be as harmless as the artifacts those civilizations left behind. I knew you were an integral part of the team and I should have been more aware of the way in which those civilizations treated their women. I should have insisted that we make keeping you safe a top priority because the truth is that the fact that you **_are_** a woman was something that was bound to become an issue off-world sooner or later and I should have been more aware of that."

"I don't need to be protected. I'm a soldier and I can take care of myself," she reminds me.

"Easy, I'm not saying you can't," I reassure her, "but there's a limit to what you, or anyone else for that matter, can do and I should have remembered that, I should have kept my priorities straight. I was the one who insisted that we try to fit in. I was the one who insisted that we should allow them to separate the team to avoid insulting their customs when the fact was that if we had been on an expedition here on earth to a culture with similar views we would never have included a woman in the team in the first place... or if we had we would have made damned sure that we kept her safe at all times. From the moment we arrived on that planet you were a marked woman and I should have trusted your instincts. You told me that maybe we should get out while we were ahead but I was too eager to learn about their culture to even listen to your concerns. Even after we arrived in Moughal's camp and you were forced to change into what they deemed to be 'appropriate clothes' you reminded me that you were **_not_** an anthropologist. That was something I should definitely have paid more attention to because it meant you were **_not_** trained to deal with those kinds of situations as an anthropologist would have been. It was **_my_** mistake but **_you_** were the one who ended up having to pay the price for it and for that I'm so incredibly sorry..."

TBC

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**_Author's notes:_** hi guys, first of all, thanks for your patience after last week's cliffhanger (and for your reviews, we can't forget the reviews).

Now to the more serious issues and concerns. Let me reassure you that this story will not get any more graphic or descriptive than it's been up until now (in fact chapters 7 and 8 represent a sort of spike in terms of the tone of this story and are **_not_** representative of the whole). As for the more disturbing issues mentioned in this fic, it is precisely because I am aware that children sometimes disregard the ratings that I have made sure to phrase things in such a way that is almost guaranteed to go over the heads of those readers who are unfamiliar with the issues this story makes reference to in the first place.

In other words, while there are non-descriptive references to disturbing issues here, those references have been deliberately phrased in such a way that you actually have to **_get_** the references in order to be disturbed by them. As for teenagers, even though these issues are disturbing, the fact is that they are often mentioned (and in far more detail than I provide here) in news broadcasts, major newspapers and mainstream magazines and I assume that the average teenager has unrestricted access to these sources.

Sorry about the cryptic and convoluted note (which comes in the heels of a couple of cryptic and convoluted chapters) but the thing is that while I wanted to address the concerns expressed by one reviewer, I didn't want to highlight the references in question by saying anything specific here so this whole explanation ended up turning into one huge euphemism.


	9. Chapter 9: A Silence Explained

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1 (and maybe the additional warnings posted with chapters 7 & 8)_**

Chapter 9: A Silence Explained  
(Sam's POV)

I can't believe Daniel is blaming himself for this.

"Daniel, you couldn't possibly have predicted what was going to happen," I tell him, "none of us could have. Yes, you are our contact specialist but you are not God and you are just as in the dark about what we will be stepping into whenever we walk across that gate as the rest of us. Even with as many probes as we can send through the most we can hope to achieve is to get a general idea of just what lies in the immediate vicinity of a specific gate and even that is not always particularly reliable. I mean, how many times have we walked straight into an ambush by now?"

"But the thing is that when we step through that gate I **_know_** I don't have the necessary information. I should have remembered that and that is why I should have made safety a priority over my own curiosity," he insists.

"Well, I'm not in any position to cast stones when it comes to letting my curiosity get the best of me," I remind him.

"Maybe not but the fact is that it wasn't my safety I was gambling with, it was yours."

"First of all, I'm supposed to be able to take care of myself and the truth is that in spite of everything that happened I'm grateful for the fact that you actually respected me enough **_not_** to think that I had to be protected, I'm grateful for the fact that you trusted **_my_** ability to keep myself safe. Also, we are making the rules up as we go here, I know that much, and the truth is that part of the problem was that I was just so damned naive when we went to Simarka that I left myself exposed. That wasn't your fault, that was my own damned stupidity," I admit.

"But if I hadn't..." he starts before I cut him off again.

"It **_wasn't_** your fault, you weren't the only one who was dreaming of perfect alien worlds, believe me. The truth is that I had hoped that by stepping through the gate I would finally be able to leave sexism behind and I wasn't about to let such little things as reality, evidence and the most obvious facts get in my way, even though I **_really_** should have known better. I had this idea of what other worlds **_should_** be like and I just saw what I wanted to see. Even when Abu freaked after he first realized I was a woman I refused to understand his reaction, to see it for what it was: a clear sign of what the Shavadai perceived to be the role and place of women in their society... in fact I even went so far as to ask you if I had something on my face, remember? The thing is that I expected alien cultures to be like my own --better than my own-- and I was unwilling to make any allowances for any cultural differences. That was my fault, not yours. You may be our contact specialist but I was the one who was adamant about not bending even in the face of overwhelming evidence. I was determined to have the men in that world accept me as an equal, to have them respect me as a warrior when that is something that hasn't even happened here on earth. I mean, I don't know what I could possibly have been thinking. I guess in a way I was still hoping for some idyllic world or something like that even after I had been on more than enough missions to know that that wasn't going to happen. I should have realized long before that mission that what we found in Simarka represented a far more likely scenario than what I was hoping to find..."

"But you are not an anthropologist, you said so yourself, remember?" he insists.

"Yes, you are right, I'm not an anthropologist but I wasn't born yesterday either... even if I kept acting like I was. I knew most of the civilizations we had encountered so far --that most of the civilizations we were bound to encounter-- were based on old earth cultures and I didn't once stop to think about what the fact that I was a woman was going to mean in that context? How could I possibly have been that naive? Even though I wasn't aware of the specific details when it came to the Mongols, the fact remains that I **_was_** aware of how women had been perceived throughout human history here on earth and what we found in Simarka made perfect sense in that context... though I'll grant you that in some aspects they did carry it to the extreme.

"The thing is that you may be our contact specialist but I shouldn't have been so oblivious, after all I **_do_** know better. Even here on earth the changes regarding a woman's perceived position in society are a recent development and those changes are not exactly universal. That is something I haven't just read about, it's something I've seen, something I've lived with every day of my life. Let's face it, the truth is that in the US women didn't get the vote until 1920. Back in 1945 Catherine was not allowed to work on the stargate mainly because she was a woman and it wasn't even questioned, it was just a fact, a fact she accepted at the time... but that's not all. That's just basic history, things that happened before I was born. I also remember how when I was growing up there were still plenty of things I was routinely told I'd never be able to do because I was a girl, things that weren't deemed 'proper interests' for me --and that definitely included becoming a pilot-- though by that time it was nowhere near as bad as it had been a couple of decades earlier. I was eleven by the time women were first admitted to the Air Force Academy and even though they were **_admitted_** they were far from **_welcome_**. That was still the case eight years later... and that's just in our own country. If you look at the world picture things are much worse. Even today all you have to do is turn on the news to hear about the Taliban, about the many countries in which for a woman --but not for a man-- adultery is a crime punishable by death, and I expected things to be different off-world, when I knew most of those cultures stemmed from earth civilizations that existed hundreds if not thousands of years ago? I was stupid, I should have known better... especially because even though Simarka was one of our first missions it was **_not_** our first mission, in fact it wasn't even our first encounter with what was clearly a male-dominated society in which women were perceived as being the property of their fathers or their husbands. I mean even on Abydos..."

"On Abydos what?" asks Daniel and I want to smack myself for letting that slip but I know there's no turning back so I decide to push forward.

"Sorry, I know you love that world, I know they are your friends, your family, and that you still think of it as being home, but the fact remains that even on Abydos a woman is seen as a piece of property, something that can actually be given away by her male relatives. I know you love Sha're, I know you would never do anything to hurt her and I know she loves you too, I saw it when I was there, but the truth is that she was given to you. She was a present and I seriously doubt that her opinion was taken into account when the decision to make her your wife was made in the first place."

"I would never have done anything to hurt her, you know that, don't you?" asks Daniel, and I can't help but cringe when I realize how uncertain he is suddenly sounding. I really hadn't meant to hurt him but before I can say anything he goes on. "In fact in the beginning I was totally appalled by what was going on but I soon realized that I would hurt her more by rejecting her than by accepting her because she wouldn't have been able to understand **_why_** I was rejecting her in the first place. At that time she would have seen my rejection as a rejection of **_her_** rather than as a rejection of a culture that was entirely different from my own and I didn't have the words to explain my reasons to her or to those around her. Back then I knew she would have been unable to understand that I was appalled by the fact that her own father thought of her as his property, that in my own world view it was the fact that she had been **_given_** to me at all that was inconceivable but that that didn't mean I didn't want her... that it didn't mean I found **_her_** to be unworthy. That's why I agreed to take her as my wife in the first place, even though the whole thing made me incredibly uncomfortable... and then I fell in love with her. I can promise you that she was never forced."

"I know that... I know **_you_**," I reassure him. "I have no doubt whatsoever that you always treated her kindly but the thing is that you didn't have to, that's the point I'm trying to make here. According to Abydonian law she belonged to you, she was yours to do with as you pleased and even though I know how much you loved her and I know you would never have done anything to hurt her, are you saying that all the men on Abydos treated their women like that?"

"No, they didn't, nor do they all treat women with respect here no matter how many laws we try to make about it, but that's not what this is all about, is it?" he asks.

"No, it's just that sometimes I get so mad..."

"And that is what is commonly referred to as being human. I'd be more worried if you weren't, to tell you the truth," he says, trying to lighten the mood.

"I'm trying to keep it together but it's hard," I admit.

"I know you are and I'm not suggesting that you find a dark corner to crawl into and stay there for the rest of your life, I'm not saying that you should be crying your eyes out 24/7 but that doesn't mean that you can't pretend that nothing's happened here and it doesn't mean that you can't pretend that everything is just fine."

"I have to, there is no other way," I insist, realizing that that is something I'm going to have no choice but to try to explain to him... and that it is also something I seriously doubt he'll ever fully understand.

"What do you mean? Why were you so adamant about keeping this whole thing quiet in the first place? Why go through this alone, Sam? We could have been there for you," he insists.

"It was my choice," I say before I realize that that was probably **_not_** the best way to phrase that.

"**_What!_**" he yells, right on schedule.

"Not telling you, it was my choice," I say, hoping to get my meaning across a little better this time around.

"I know that, but why? Why didn't you trust us? Why didn't you trust **_me_**?"

"It's not that I didn't trust you, Daniel. Trust had nothing to do with it," I try to explain even though I know I'm not being entirely honest with him. I do trust him **_now_** but back then things were nowhere near as clear cut in that regard... after all, I had just met him a couple of weeks prior.

"Then why?" he asks, still looking more than a little hurt.

"Because I didn't want to be kicked out of SG-1. I didn't want Turghan to take that away from me... he had already taken enough and I wasn't willing to give him anything else," I explain, knowing that I'm putting my life in his hands but also knowing that I don't really have much of a choice here.

"**_What?_**" he exclaims.

"Remember, Daniel, Simarka was one of our first missions and even with just the evidence of the beating General Hammond was deeply worried... he was already questioning the wisdom of having women assigned to off-world teams," I remind him. "He was afraid that our work was just too dangerous. What do you think he would have done if I had told him that I had been raped? I mean, if it were to happen now I'm not sure he would pull me off the team. I think by now he trusts me to keep myself safe as much as he trusts anyone else and he has come to terms with the fact that our job is extremely dangerous but back then he too was just trying to figure out what it was that we had gotten ourselves into. Now he knows the dangers we face out there but back then things were different. From his perspective it was bad enough that one of the first casualties had been a woman who had been beaten for no other reason than the fact that she was a woman, but if he had known that there had been more to that incident than that, if he had known that that woman had also been raped as a result of the cultural differences between earth and the civilizations that exist out there he would almost certainly have decided that the risks we were taking just by being out there weren't worth it... or if he hadn't then a higher up would probably have. I couldn't take that chance. I know things are different now. I know that ever since..."

"Since Hathor?" asks Daniel after I trail off. I **_really_** hadn't wanted him to pick up on that one but I guess it's too late for me to do anything about it. Even now Hathor is one mess we are all careful not to mention in Daniel's presence. Still, seeing how it can no longer be avoided, I decide to forge ahead with what I was trying to say in the first place.

"Yes, ever since Hathor almost succeeded in taking over the base by taking advantage of the fact that the vast majority of the SGC's personnel is male I think General Hammond has come to realize that gender is a vulnerability that can cut both ways. He now knows that there may well be circumstances in which it will be the men who will find themselves at a serious disadvantage as a result of being male. In that regard Hathor taught us a valuable lesson about our own weaknesses, one lesson that pointed out just how different things are out there and how our own preconceived notions may be used against us as we explore other worlds.

"Hathor taught us that because of the basic differences between human and Goa'uld biology and society there will be instances in which the men will be the ones who will be left exposed and that if we intend to survive diversity has to be a key component of the SGC. The thing is that even though we know that **_now_** we didn't know it **_then_**. Back in the beginning that was **_not_** the case... far from it. It was before the mission to Abydos so you weren't here at the time but the thing is that when I first met him the colonel had to be ordered to accept me as part of his team and it was an order he came pretty close to refusing... and he wasn't the only one. He wasn't the only one who assumed I was ill fitted to be a member of an off-world team because I'm a woman.

"The truth is that the ones who call the shots in the Air Force and in the military as a whole are a group of men and even back then they weren't sure whether or not I'd be able to cut it... they weren't sure whether or not it was safe for me to be assigned to the SGC even though I was by far the one who was best qualified for the job. If the Chiefs had known what was out there from the very beginning they would never have allowed it simply because women are not usually assigned to combat positions. That is a matter of standard military policy but at first they assumed that our job was going to have to do mostly with exploration, not combat, and by the time they realized that they had made a mistake in that regard I was already part of the team and pulling me would have created an awkward situation to say the least. Telling them about Turghan would have given them the perfect excuse to pull me out. Besides..."

"What is it?"

"This is going to sound incredibly silly," I say hoping that he'll take the hint and let it drop even though I do know better.

"I don't think so, Sam, not if it's upsetting you like this."

"It's just that this whole thing went down back when Warner was in charge of the infirmary and I didn't want him to..."

"It was before Janet was transferred to the SGC and you weren't comfortable with a male doctor, is that it?" asks Daniel, filling in the blanks on his own but that doesn't keep me from feeling utterly pathetic. Talk of a stupid and irrational reaction.

"Yeah, I mean, I know it doesn't make sense. I'm used to dealing with male doctors... let's face it, they are the vast majority when it comes to the Air Force and that's a fact I've dealt with on a daily basis all my life. I had never even given it a second thought up to that point but after everything that had happened I just didn't want him anywhere near me... not if it could possibly be avoided."

"So you kept quiet."

"It seemed like a good idea at the time, to tell you the truth it still does," I say, shrugging my shoulders and hoping that he will let it go.

"But you can't deal with this on your own, you need to tell someone. You need professional help to handle this situation, you know that, don't you?" he insists.

"But that's never really been an option, don't you see?" I say. "If anyone were to find out that I kept this out of my report **_now_** I would be in a world of hurt. Concealing something like this would definitely not be something the general would be inclined to overlook and there are enough classified aspects to the whole story that I'm stuck in a catch-22 anyway. I work on a highly classified project --a highly classified project that had a lot to do with what happened to me in the first place-- and that basically kills off all my options when it comes to getting 'professional help' because it means that I can't go to a counselor who **_doesn't_** have the necessary clearance. In other words, seeking someone I trust who is not affiliated with both the SGC and the military definitely is not an option no matter what... and there's no way I'm going to talk about this with someone who is affiliated with the military. Besides you do remember how wide the choice of psychologists working at the SGC is, don't you?"

"MacKenzie," he whispers and I know he understands.

"Exactly. Seeing how I work at the SGC and this incident was mission related 'getting professional help' would translate into being ordered to see MacKenzie. He is my only choice, and while the man may be good when it comes to diagnosing and prescribing drugs the truth is that he has all the empathy of a bulldozer, I saw that when you were missing... when we thought you were dead. He may be a psychologist but from what I've seen of him he is convinced that emotions are a disease that needs to be cured. He may be able to understand brain chemistry but he certainly doesn't have the first clue when it comes to understanding people. I'm not talking to him about this, not if there is any way I can possibly avoid it."

"But..."

"It's okay, Daniel, really. I mean, yes, this whole thing hasn't exactly been fun but I've been reading about it, trying to understand and that's helped a lot. I know I can get over it. I'm going to be fine, I promise... it's just going to take some time, that's all," I reassure him, hoping that he will believe me.

"But you are not alone. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm no psychologist but if you ever need to talk I'm here," he tells me and somehow I know this isn't over... far from it.

* * *

**_Author's note:_** Hi guys, first of all, for those of you in the UK I hope you and your families are safe after the recent events. Also, thank you for your reviews, I'm glad to hear you are still following this (I'm not sure whether or not 'enjoying' is a word that can be used to describe this particular story). Hopefully this chapter explained **_why_** Sam was so afraid when Daniel first confronted her and why she decided to keep quiet. 


	10. Chapter 10: The Long Road to Here

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 10: The Long Road to Here  
(Daniel's POV)

"It's late, why don't you stay here tonight?" I ask Sam when I realize that it's already dark outside.

"Why?"

"I don't know, I guess I just don't want you to be alone right now."

"I'm a big girl, Daniel, I've been living on my own for years and all the things we've been going over tonight... those happened months ago," she reminds me.

"I know but you said yourself that you are having trouble sleeping and somehow I think that tonight will probably be a lot worse than usual. This is the first time you've talked about any of this and it won't hurt to have a friend around, just in case. I'll take the couch."

"I can't kick you out of your own bed!" she exclaims.

"You are not kicking me out, I'm volunteering... and the truth is that I'll sleep better on the couch knowing that you are not alone than I would in my bed wondering how you are doing."

"But..."

"Sam, do you **_want_** to go home?" I ask, point blank.

"Not really, but..."

"Then stop arguing, a night on the couch won't kill me," I tell her.

"I feel so stupid. I mean, Turghan's not even on this planet. I know there's no way he can hurt me."

"Yes, well that sounds very nice and rational and it may even work while you are awake but, correct me if I'm wrong, that theory isn't exactly working as well as it should while you sleep, is it?"

"No, it's not. It's like my brain just won't stop," she reluctantly admits. "Every time I close my eyes I'm back in that tent only things get really jumbled and they refuse to make sense. Turghan's there as is General Hammond and... never mind," she trails off.

"It's okay for you to be confused about this, Sam, I just hate that you've been going through all this and I never even noticed."

"I didn't want you to notice... to tell you the truth I still wish you hadn't."

"Care to tell me why?"

"I'm afraid this is going to mess things up. I don't know how to explain it. Even if you don't say anything I'm afraid you are going to treat me differently and then someone else will figure it out and it'll snowball from there. I know it doesn't make sense but I'm not sure you understand what it's like..."

"What **_what_** is like?"

"Trying to fit in. It's like the military is the only world I know but I still find myself having to prove time and time again that I belong... and if this gets out it will only make matters worse... a lot worse."

"Okay, I may have no idea of what things would be like for you if word of this were to get out, but feeling like I have to prove that I actually belong at the SGC? I hate to break this to you but I'm betting there are a lot more people questioning my right to be there than there are questioning yours. I know that deep down the military doesn't exactly welcome women in its ranks, regardless of what the official PR line says, but I think they still rank above us 'lowly humanists' in the pecking order. The SGC is a military operation and there are quite a few individuals in it who are far from happy to see a civilian taking such an active role and who resent the fact that I don't think the main purpose of the stargate should be to get us a bigger gun. General Hammond may share and respect that position to a degree but not everyone does and on top of that the fact that I have a greater freedom to speak my mind when I disagree with the orders I'm being given hasn't exactly made me many friends."

"But you cracked the cover stone!"

"And you are the scientist who has managed to come closest to understanding the physics behind the wormhole, the one who has come closest to figuring out how and why the stargate actually does what it does and the one who has managed to keep things working under that mountain but it doesn't really matter. There are always going to be a few individuals who are convinced that we don't belong there, especially not in SG-1, you because you are a woman and me because I'm a civilian consultant."

"I know I'm whining, believe me, it's just that..." she trails off.

"That this whole thing is confusing, not to mention unfair?" I finish for her.

"Something like that."

"And that's one bit of frustration you've been keeping bottled up for a lot longer than seven months, isn't it?"

"Is it that obvious?" she asks with a rueful smile.

"I'm not sure I'd describe it as obvious but it certainly does make sense. It must be frustrating to know that the institution that holds the key to your dreams rejects you for something you cannot change. Besides, you kind of gave yourself away when you told me about what things were like at the Air Force Academy," I point out.

"You have no idea. I mean, right now it's not so bad... not compared to what it was like when I was little... but I won't lie to you and tell you that getting here was easy or that the fact that I was a girl didn't at times seem like an insurmountable obstacle. You know my dad's military?"

"Yes."

"Well, more often than not I was attending school on base and back then the situation was a lot worse as far as the options people were willing to consider for girls, **_especially_** in the military. I wanted to be an astronaut and back then I used to get laughed at on a regular basis. I was four years and two months almost to the day when I first figured out what I wanted to do with my life."

"That's precise... even for you."

"Not really," she says. "It's just basic math. I was born in May of 65."

"The moon landing," I say, putting two and two together.

"Yeah, I remember watching it on TV. Dad was home, which was kind of a rare treat for me at the time to begin with. I was sitting on his lap and he was trying to explain to me what a big deal it was and I told him that one day I was going to get to the moon. At the time he didn't really try to talk me out of it, he just kind of humored me and figured I'd outgrow it in a week... I never did."

"He wasn't happy about it?"

"He'll never admit to it now and even back then he didn't really tried to talk me out of it but the truth is that he thought it was absurd... well maybe not absurd but certainly impossible. He had expected my brother to follow in his footsteps, not me. I was his little girl and, let's face it, the first female astronaut didn't get to go to space until 1983 when I was eighteen and shortly before I entered the academy... well, at least that was the first time an American woman went to space. The first one was back in 1963, twenty years and two days earlier, but then again admitting to a Soviet hero wasn't exactly acceptable in US military bases during the cold war."

"No, I imagine it wasn't."

"The point is that back when I was a kid, and especially with the military mindset at the time, being an astronaut wasn't deemed an 'acceptable goal' for a 'little girl' and almost everyone went out of their way to make sure I knew that. The thing is that I'm just starting to feel like I'm where I belong, I'm doing what I've always dreamed of, I'm traveling to other planets and I'm actually getting to be accepted and now if word of this gets out I could easily lose it all because I'm a woman. I'm not going to let that happen... not if I can avoid it."

"Hey, it won't come to that," I try to reassure her.

"You don't know that," she reminds me.

"No, I don't but I don't think it will. I don't think General Hammond would pull you no matter what. You are right that he may have been tempted to do so if you'd said anything when we first returned from Simarka but I'm fairly certain that that's no longer an option. Back then the team was still trying to sort itself out and changing a member would have been seen as a minor adjustment, now that's no longer the case."

"It may not be his call... besides it's not that simple."

"You really don't trust the military, do you?" I ask, more than a little shocked by that unexpected revelation.

"About most things, yes though I'm not blind and I know they have more skeletons in their closet than I care to think about... about this, no. I've seen how raped women are treated and I'm not taking any chances in that regard."

"Sam, are you saying that this is not the first time something like this has happened to you?"

"No, that's not it."

"Then what is it?" I push, getting more than a little worried... again.

"When I was at the academy women hadn't been around for very long and most of the men in charge were still longing for the good old days before we were allowed to join. The brass felt that turning military academies into co-ed institutions was wrong, a political decision that was meant to cater to civilian and political interests that were **_weakening_** the military's core values... and they made sure every cadet knew it. Anyway, under those circumstances sexual harassment was pretty rampant and rape was a fairly common occurrence but we knew better than to try to complain about it. It was their turf and if we wanted to stay we had to play by their rules, it was that simple. I may not have been raped but several of my friends were. If anyone dared to try to come forward they would basically be pushed out based on some technicality, like fraternization, conduct unbecoming or some other such nonsense... and we also knew that by coming forward we would be giving ammo to those who were still trying to demonstrate that women didn't belong at the academy in the first place. We knew that anyone coming forward would be playing straight into the hands of the ones who were still pushing to have women banned once more, of the ones who wanted to have the whole thing declared a failed experiment, so that was yet another deterrent. I mean, it may be something that happened less than twenty years ago but the fact remains that back then rape was often seen as being the woman's fault even in civil society so you can imagine how things were like in the military.

"Under those circumstances I guess it was only natural for incidents of sexual harassment and sexual assault to become commonplace. It's basic math really when you think about it."

"Basic math?" I ask.

"Well, statistically speaking and going by just your basic law of averages combined with the darker side of human nature it stands to reason that in any population there will almost certainly be a number of potential sexual predators," she explains. "Now, under most circumstances, that number tends to be proportionally small --especially in an environment in which those predators have a reason to fear the consequences of their actions--unfortunately the Air Force Academy represented an abnormal environment to begin with. Simply put, in a normal scenario you have a population that is fifty percent male and fifty percent female and that means that usually the percentage of women who are likely to be assaulted within a determined four year period --the number of years the average cadet spends at the academy-- is not all that great. At the academy, however, that situation is further complicated by the fact that the proportion of the male/female population is suddenly ninety/ten rather than fifty/fifty. In other words, you have an environment in which there are nine men for each woman and as a result of that it is only logical for the percentage of the female population that is likely to be sexually assaulted in that same period of time to skyrocket. Add to that that the people in charge have made it abundantly clear to those potential predators that the women are not welcome in their midst and the result is that you have a scenario in which those potential predators **_know_** themselves to be protected by a code of silence so they know that they don't really have to worry about the consequences of their actions. The end result of such an abnormal population living under such abnormal conditions is anything but a pleasant scenario but, as I said, it is a logical one."

"Mathematically speaking?" I say, half teasingly. Leave it to Sam to reduce even **_that_** situation to a mathematical formula.

"Yes," says Sam, shaking her head at her own hyper-rationalization before going on. "Of course the fact that I understand **_why_** things happened as they did, the fact that there was a logical explanation, wasn't really much help while I was there... especially when things got bad for some of the women I knew. In a way what was weird was that we were all supposed to be working toward the same goal, you know? We were there because we all wanted to become Air Force officers and that meant that we were expected to trust each other with our lives, literally, and yet we didn't dare turn our backs on our fellow cadets for fear of what might happen."

"That must have been confusing."

"To say the least. Anyway, the thing is that even though some of my friends were raped I was one of the lucky ones. Even though it was never openly acknowledged I always knew I was safe."

"How come?"

"Because there may have been a code of silence that kept most of us quiet in the first place but most cadets knew my dad was a colonel and they didn't really want to take any chances in that regard. The same male chauvinistic military code that left most female cadets exposed protected me because they all knew what a military man would do to anyone who dared lay a finger on **_his_** daughter... "

"But why put yourself through that in the first place?" I ask.

"Well, first of all that was just one aspect of the whole thing. I mean, yes, it was a fairly hostile environment in that regard and that was far from pleasant but academically I loved being there and the physical aspects of the whole thing were a real challenge. In addition to that there was the fact that I wanted to be an astronaut and I knew that in order to do **_that_** my best shot was to become a pilot. That was my dream and even when things got rough I was very aware that the academy was the gauntlet I had to run to make it happen. There was no other way, not really."

"So, what changed?" I ask.

"How do you know something changed?"

"You are an astrophysicist with a couple of Ph.D.'s, Sam, so I'm guessing at some point the idea of becoming an astronaut must have lost some of its appeal," I point out.

"Not really," she explains. "It's more like life threw a wrench in that plan. I graduated from the academy in 87, roughly a year and a half after the 'Challenger' and when the space program had been basically halted so I was left to try to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I had spent two years at a regular college before entering the academy and I had really enjoyed it so I decided to stay in school for a little longer..."

"You didn't go straight to the academy after you graduated from high school?"

"I wanted to but I couldn't. I graduated two years early but given that the academy has an enlistment requirement and I couldn't enlist before I turned eighteen I was stuck in limbo for a while there... I had a place at the academy and I knew it but there was no way around the fact that I had to wait before I could attend. At first I hated being in college, I thought it was a waste of time but in the end those turned out to be two of the best years of my life. You see, I knew I wasn't really working toward a degree while I was there, I was basically killing time so there was no pressure, I was free to pick my classes based on my own interests rather than on a specific major's curriculum and that meant I could study **_exactly_** what I wanted to. I was able to pick some classes that were more advanced and specialized than the ones I should have been taking and I was also free to skip all mandatory credits because I knew in the end they wouldn't really matter."

"That makes sense, so how did you end up working on the gate anyway?" I ask, feeling more than a little curious. I had never even realized just how little I actually know about Sam's past.

"Well, I loved learning and I loved being a student but a masters and two Ph.D.'s later I came to the realization that I couldn't remain a student forever. Eventually I returned to the Air Force full time... of course by then they didn't exactly know what to do with me because even though I had the basic knowledge to work as a nuclear physicist in one of about a hundred different projects, my specialties sounded a little too theoretical for most people there. In other words, they didn't really seem to know what to do with me from a military perspective. In a way I ended up being assigned to the stargate almost by default. The higher ups didn't know what to do with me and they didn't know what to do with an ancient metal ring of unknown origin so they figured it was a good match. I guess it was the closest fit they could find for me at the time. Of course, back then it was all pretty low priority and they weren't expecting it to turn out to be particularly relevant. Then you came along, cracked the cover stone --while I was away, do you have any idea of how unfair that was?-- and the initial mission to Abydos took place."

"And the rest, as they say, is history," I tease.

"You've got it... only now..."

"It's going to be alright, Sam. I promise."

"You can't promise that," she reminds me for the umpteenth time.

"Maybe not, but I can promise to do everything in my power to make sure you remain a part of SG-1 even if this whole thing comes out somehow. Besides it's not like I plan to tell anyone anyway. I mean, I wish it were possible for me to do something so that you don't have to worry about keeping this a secret but even if I can think of some way for you to come forward, I know in the end whether or not you decide to do it is your call."

"I already told you, I **_can't_** come forward, that's never been an option, not now and not then, even if the reasons are different."

"I get that and I'm not saying you should be taking any unnecessary chances with any of this but at the same time I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine, Daniel. As I said, Turghan's not even on this planet and everything else I can handle. I just have to make sure I won't get caught off guard again. That was the real problem in Simarka. I had no idea of what it was that I was getting myself into and I messed up, big time... besides, most of the worlds we've encountered aren't so bad, even the ones that are based on ancient civilizations are usually more receptive so there's really nothing for you to worry about."

"And yet you are still not sleeping," I remind her.

"It's not so bad but right now it's getting late and I think I'll take you up on your offer to stay here tonight. Do you have some sweats I could borrow?" she asks and I know she just wants to put an end to this conversation, still, I decide not to call her on it.

"Sure, I'll get them."

* * *

**_Author's note_**: Hi guys, thanks for your reviews I'm really glad to hear you are still reading this, I know this is not exactly a **_fun_** story. Anyway here you have the next chapter, I hope you'll like it.

Now, before you say anything, yes, I know I'm disregarding Sam's comment in 'Children of the Gods' concerning the fact that she had logged over 100 hrs. of flight over enemy territory during the Gulf War and turning her into a student at the time instead simply because as far as I'm concerned the official version doesn't make much sense. The fact is that Congress did not remove the ban on women in combat aircraft until December 1991 (some ten months **_after_** the end of the Gulf War) and it would still be more than a year after that before policy was changed in the Department of Defense to actually allow women to take these kinds of assignments (IIRC that didn't happen until late April 1993). The point is that while Sam may have had extensive training as a pilot there is a serious discrepancy in that particular statement. Besides, given Sam's age and her educational background, it makes more sense to have her working on a Ph.D. at the time anyway.

I know I am also deviating somewhat from canon when it comes to how Sam perceives her time at the academy (though I tried to keep that to a minimum). The fact is that the institution's less than stellar history in terms of the conditions female cadets faced up until **_very_** recently makes the official version in which Sam was all but worshipped by the staff and in which she loved every minute she spent in that institution seem a **_little bit_** unlikely.

Sorry about the speech but among the things that pushed me to write this story in the first place were the writers' lame politically correct attempts at sanitizing history to avoid virtually all references to sexism (past and present) and nowhere were those more blatant than in 'Emancipation', which oddly enough was supposed to be the one token episode dealing with the issue. Give me a break, Sam had never encountered sexism before and was so oblivious to the possibility that she asked if there was something on her face when Abu kept pointing out the fact that she was a woman? She is not supposed to be stupid and she is certainly old enough to remember the things that were going on all around her as she was growing up. In fact her speech in 'Children of the Gods' clearly contradicts her reactions in 'Emancipation' (and was more in line with the character as far as I'm concerned).


	11. Chapter 11: Human Monsters Under My Bed

**_For notes,warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 11: Human Monsters Under My Bed  
(Sam's POV)

I'm staring at the ceiling in Daniel's room... okay, if I'm to be perfectly honest with myself then I guess it would be more accurate for me to say that I'm hiding in Daniel's room and the worst part is that he knows it. I know he didn't buy me being tired, not really but at least he didn't push things any further. The problem is that he had already done more than enough pushing for one night. I trust him but...

I knew what was going to happen when I came here earlier, I knew I was going to have to come clean and I wasn't looking forward to it. Unfortunately the fact that I was right about that isn't helping matters much, not really. Right now I feel like I'm back to square one, trying to make sense of the thoughts that keep running through my mind, trying to figure out what my options are and the truth is that I don't know what to do. Up until now at least I knew I was in control, I was the only one who knew what had happened in Turghan's tent and that meant that I was the only one in a position to make a mistake, to let something slip. That is no longer the case and the situation is far worse than I could possibly have anticipated, especially because some of the things I told Daniel... well, let's just say that while there were some things I already knew I was going to have no choice but to tell him about, there were quite a few others where I even surprised myself. I really should have known better.

As I said, the problem is not really that I don't trust Daniel. I trust him and I am pretty sure that that was one of the reasons why I ended up running at the mouth like I did in the first place. I knew he'd understand, at least some of it, but that doesn't mean I'm in the clear here, in fact I'm nowhere **_near_** the clear. The thing is that he understands but at times the military mindset still gives him trouble and that in turn makes him potentially dangerous because chances are that he **_still_** doesn't fully realize in just how much trouble I could end up here... and after what I told him about the academy I'm no longer thinking just about what happened in Simarka. The thing is that I'm not used to having non-military friends who know exactly what it is that I do. It's been a very long time since I've had someone I could trust like that... since before I entered the academy... since my mom died.

That is something I've been missing for a very long time now, maybe even more than I ever realized. The simple truth is that ever since my mother died there's never been anyone I felt I could trust or turn to... not really... I mean who was I supposed to talk to? My dad? He was hardly ever there and even when he was... well, let's just say that dad is military to the core and criticizing the military in his presence was most definitely **_not_** an option. In that regard Daniel's presence does represent a welcome change... even when he gets a little too pushy for comfort.

In other words, what's bothering me right now is not so much what I said but rather the whole 'where do we go from here' thing that is bound to follow. I can't help but wonder what the fallout from today is going to be and no matter how I look at it I don't think it's going to be good... far from it. I know Daniel, I know how stubborn he can be and I know he is not going to let things go no matter how much I wish he would and even though he promised that he wouldn't tell anyone without my consent... well, let's just say that I know better than to hope that he won't try to get me to tell anyone. In that regard he left himself a very nice loophole and there's nothing I can do about it. Yes, he has his answers but I seriously doubt he's going to be willing to leave it at that. I am all but certain that he is going to try to **_help me_**... whether I want his help or not. I guess it was too much to hope that he would understand that I'm fine... or that if I'm not fine at least I'm getting there. I mean, so what if I am having a little trouble sleeping? Does he really have to make a federal case out of it?

Well, if nothing else at least I guess I got lucky in that seeing how Daniel is an egyptologist I didn't really have to spell the details of Turghan's threats out. I've been trying to avoid thinking about those details for months now --even if I haven't been particularly successful in that regard-- and the fact is that even now just the thought of it is more than enough to make me sick. If he hadn't understood I'm not sure what I would have done because the simple truth is that even now, after all this time, I'm still not sure I could have gotten the words out... not without making a fool of myself.

At times it's almost funny... well, it would be almost funny if it weren't so serious. When we first realized what we were up against we were overwhelmed. The Goa'uld represented a threat greater than any we could possibly have imagined and we all knew it. Their technology was so far superior to ours and their way of life so... alien... that's the word, that we didn't know what to do about any of it. The mere thought of a race of intelligent parasites who were capable of taking over our bodies and our minds against our will sounded like a nightmare, worse than a nightmare because it was actually real and there was nothing we could do about it. I remember having a front row seat to the whole Kawalski affair. I **_saw_** what that thing did to him, how it changed him and how hard he fought to stay in control... and I saw him lose. It's true that unlike the colonel I didn't really have much of a chance to get to know him but I respected him and what happened to him did hit me hard. It was a devastating example of what we were up against, an example that took the form of one of our friends... and we all knew that it could just as easily have been any one of us.

The thing is that after Abydos, Chulak and Kawalski I was all but certain that the Goa'uld were bound to be featured prominently in my nightmares for many years to come and yet within a month they had been vanquished by a human warlord... by a man who didn't have access to overwhelming technology but who simply acted like a man. Within weeks the Goa'uld had been replaced in my nightmares by a human being who behaved in the way in which our species has behaved throughout most of its history. What does that say about us?

I think that's been one of the things I've been having the most trouble trying to come to terms with. When I first stepped across that gate I was prepared to find the 'aliens' terrifying, not the humans and that was probably one of the contributing factors to the whole Simarka disaster. The inhabitants of that world were human and in my mind that meant they were 'safe', even though I really should have known better. I brought with me an us vs. them mentality that backfired on me, it really is that simple. I wish I could pretend that here on earth we are well beyond that part of our history, that there would be no room in our world for a man like Turghan but the truth is that I can't. Turghan's behavior was no different from the one that can be found throughout most of our own planet now. Even now, as I lie here on Daniel's bed staring at the ceiling there are countless girls here in my own world undergoing the hell I barely managed to escape and that is a sobering thought.

Well, it looks like it's going to be yet another one of **_those_** nights... not that I was really expecting it **_not_** to be. If I were home I'd be looking for something to do, something that would enable me to keep myself busy for a few more hours before going to bed... no, that's not entirely accurate either. The truth is that if it hadn't been for the incident earlier today when Daniel decided to try to talk to me mid-mission I would probably still be at the base working in my lab for a couple more hours before heading home, or maybe I would have ended up pulling off yet another all-nighter. Unfortunately I knew this couldn't wait so I decided to take a chance and do some damage control with Daniel. It was the right call, of that I have no doubt, but that doesn't mean that I'm enjoying my current situation.

Whether I like it or not the fact is that I'm stuck in bed at a ridiculously early hour with absolutely nothing to do and I just can't keep myself from thinking. Under the circumstances there's no way I'm even going to try to sleep, not when I know exactly what's waiting for me in my dreams. That is one lesson I've learned well in these past few months.

I'm still contemplating the situation when I hear Daniel knocking on the door. For a moment I consider the possibility of pretending to be asleep but I don't think he's likely to buy it so I reluctantly get up and open the door. I really don't know what to do here, I know Daniel means well but right now I can't help but feel more than a little trapped.

As soon as I open the door I see him standing there, with what looks like a very old paperback in his hands. At my questioning look he just hands it to me with a shrug, tells me he figured I could use it and then he turns around and walks back to the living area, making it absolutely clear to me that he is done pushing for the night, a little revelation that is a major relief. I know it also means that if I want to **_leave_** the room I can but somehow I don't think I'm quite ready to take that step just yet. I still have too much thinking to do so I thank him, close the door and then I look at the book I'm holding in my hands.

I can tell at first glance that it is old, probably a little older than I am and then I realize it's not so much a book but rather an old copy of 'The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction' dating back to 1964. I never would have pegged Daniel for a pulp nut but somehow I suspect that there's a reason why he handed me this particular volume, and that suspicion is confirmed when I realize that he's marked a short story in particular. Not having anything better to do I read the little note that he used to mark the story in question, it just says "I know you aren't sleeping and I figured you would probably enjoy this one."

Well, I guess science fiction is probably the closest thing he has here to something that could possibly be described as a common interest. I admit that a while ago I did try to go over the titles of some of the books he has in his bedroom but that didn't really get me very far. As I said, I was trying to go over the titles of the books he has in here, with **_trying_** being the operative word. Unfortunately Daniel is a linguist and as most linguists he seems to subscribe to the old 'traduttore, traditore' school of thought.

I look at the story more closely, it's entitled "Starlight Rhapsody" and it's by a woman named Valentina Zhuravleva, a Russian author I've never heard of in my life... leave it to Daniel to suggest such an incredibly obscure story. Seeing how it is only a few pages long I decide to give it a shot and after a few minutes I can definitely see why he gave it to me. As I read it I can't help but smile because the truth is that the story does hit **_very_** close to home. It's a story about space exploration but it is unlike most space exploration stories I've ever read. There doesn't seem to be much action in it, it's just the story of a chance encounter between a young astronomer, a woman in her twenties, and a sixty year old poet. There's no space travel in it, no romance and there are no aliens shooting everything in their path in it --if only it were so in real life-- instead it is the story of a scientist who, by analyzing the spectrum of a particular star, uncovers a code based on the periodic table, a code she interprets as a sort of alphabet and translates into music.

The thing is that this particular story does strike a chord with me as I know it does with Daniel. I remember what happened when we went to rescue Ernest, I remember how excited he was when he discovered an alphabet that was based on the periodic table, an alphabet that was based on atomic values because those values represented the first and only truly **_universal_** language. It was an alphabet that was logical and invariable because regardless of everything else the periodic table represents what amounts to a universal constant, a constant that can be used to overcome the language barrier between vastly different species... and now here I am reading a story that was written here on earth, before I was even born, a story that was written by a woman who had no knowledge of the stargate or the ancient races that built Heliopolis and yet at the same time it is a story that was written by a woman who somehow managed to come to the same conclusion as those ancient beings.

I admit that I grew up reading my fair share of science fiction. The idea of space travel appealed to me a lot more than romance ever did, but somehow I think I must have missed this one... not that that's particularly surprising seeing how it was published before I was even conceived. I just wonder how on earth Daniel managed to track this one down, after all, he is a couple of months **_younger_** than I am.

Well, I have to say that, if nothing else, that story served to distract me for a while and there are other stories here... enough to keep me busy for a couple of hours. I don't have my computer here with me, I can't do anything remotely resembling research and I can't even guess in which language most of the books here in Daniel's room are written and that makes me appreciate the old magazine he gave me even more. It's been years since I've been free to indulge in reading sci-fi without a guilty conscience, without feeling like I'm 'wasting my time' or like 'I should be doing something more productive' so I sit back, relax and keep on reading.

* * *

**_Author's note_**: Hi guys, first of all thanks for the reviews, I'm glad to hear you liked what I did with Sam's background. Now as to this week's chapter, I have to admit that I fell in love with the premise of "Starlight Rhapsody" back when I was about fourteen (when I first got my grubby little paws on my grandmother's sci-fi collection) and then when I saw the episode "The Torment of Tantalus" I couldn't help but be reminded of it. Anyway, seeing how in this chapter I had Daniel handing Sam a sci-fi book I couldn't quite keep myself from including a reference to it. The story in question was originally published in 1960, and an English translation was featured in the January 1964 issue of "The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction" (that's the version Daniel recommends to Sam in this story since I assume Sam **_doesn't_** speak Russian). In case anyone is interested, while I was working on this chapter I decided to Google the author and to my surprise I actually found an online version of the story (though I must warn you that the online version seems to be missing some sections and some of those missing sections **_are_** relevant to the continuity of the story. That problem is probably due to the fact that apparently the story was originally published by a newspaper and I suspect some cuts may have been made back then to make it fit in its allotted space). Anyway, for what it's worth, here is the address: 

altshuller. ru / world / eng / science-fiction021.asp (remember to remove the space before 'ru' and the spaces before and after each slash, also, if you prefer a French version, replace 'eng' with 'fra').

As for the "traduttore, traditore" bit, it translates basically into "translator, (you're a) traitor" and it plays with the similarity of the two words in Italian to point out the fact that due to the complexity of language it is all but impossible to translate something without betraying the meaning of the original to some extent. The end result of this is that, as a matter of principle, most linguists avoid translations like the plague whenever possible.


	12. Chapter 12: How Do You Untangle a Tangle

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 12: How Do You Untangle a Tangled Web?  
(Daniel's POV)

I'm staring at the door wondering what to do. It's not exactly late but still I suspect Sam is awake and has been for a while... she just doesn't want to come out, now the question is, should I wait her out or should I just knock and get it over with? I know how late she stayed up last night, she may have been quiet but the truth is that I could see the light under the door but in spite of that I know right now she is just trying to hide from me for that **_little bit_** longer.

The thing is that I have a couple of things I want to talk to her about but I'm not entirely sure how she's going to react to any of them. I know chances are what's coming won't be anywhere near as bad as our 'friendly encounter' last night but at the same time I understand **_why_** she may be reluctant to face me. The good news is that at least we've made some progress in that beyond her obvious discomfort the reasons for her avoidance are likely to be more manageable, easier to overcome than the ones we were facing yesterday.

The truth is that I don't think waiting a couple of hours is going to make much difference one way or the other and the end result of putting this off any longer is just going to be to prolong her 'agony', now the question is how should I approach her. I know breakfast in bed would be too much but maybe bringing her a cup of coffee would be a good choice to break the ice here... besides, she really **_does_** need some breakfast, especially seeing how last night she was in too much of a hurry to get away from me to have dinner anyway.

Having made up my mind I head for the kitchen and I emerge a few minutes later with a freshly brewed cup of coffee... a sort of peace offering that I'm hoping will enable me to break the ice.

"So, how did you sleep?" I ask Sam after she follows me back to the kitchen while I make breakfast.

"Fine, better than I had in a while," she reluctantly admits.

"Glad to hear that. Listen, Sam, I've been thinking..."

"Should I be worried?" she asks, and even though she is trying to keep her tone light I can see that she's only half-joking... in fact, seeing how she insists on her numbers being as precise as humanly possible, maybe it would be more accurate for me to say that she is only **_quarter_**-joking.

"Not funny... actually I've been trying to figure out a way to make things a little easier for you," I tell her, mock-glaring at her.

"What do you have in mind?" she asks, sounding even more worried than before.

"Well, the way I see it we have a problem... or so it seems."

"No, **_we_** don't have a problem. **_I_** have a problem but I'm handling it," she says, growing increasingly defensive.

"I already told you, I'm here for you and..."

"But it is my problem!" she insists.

"Whatever, you are not going to get me to forget what I'm trying to say by getting into an argument over pronouns with me, you should know that by now. Besides, even if it was originally your problem I'm your friend and that makes it **_our_** problem. Now, as I was **_trying_** to say, the thing is that even though what we have here **_seems_** to be a problem the truth is that what we are dealing with are in fact **_two_** separate problems that are deeply intertwined. On the one hand we have the fact that you were raped, and the truth is that there's nothing anyone could possibly do to change that. That is problem number one but according to what you told me last night that's not the problem you are the most worried about, at least not right now. The problem you are the most worried about has to do with the fact that you have been keeping this whole thing a secret and that is making what was already a heavy burden even heavier. Would you say that that's a fair assessment of the situation?"

"Maybe, but that does nothing to change the facts," she points out.

"No, you are right but even though it doesn't **_change_** the facts, having a better **_understanding_** of those facts may enable us to approach them from a different perspective," I remind her.

"What are you getting at? What are you trying to say, Daniel?" she asks.

"That going by what you told me last night it seems to me that you are having more trouble with the thought that the truth might come out than with anything else... except perhaps the threat of what might have been. From what you've told me it sounds to me like what Turghan actually did to you is the least of your worries, and the thing is that even though we **_can't_** change what Turghan did to you we **_can_** do something about the current situation."

"I already told you, I **_have_** to keep it a secret, there's no way I can come clean, not now. It's been too long," she says, running a hand through her hair and sounding more than a little frustrated, not that **_that_** comes as much of a surprise.

"And if we could figure out a way for you to come clean without you getting in trouble and without jeopardizing your place in SG-1, would that help?" I ask, trying to move things along.

"I guess it probably would," she reluctantly admits but she still sounds far from convinced, in fact if anything she seems to be growing increasingly nervous.

"But you are not certain," I say, not even bothering to phrase that as a question.

"It's not that. I know it would probably help but at the same time I'm well aware of just how effective the rumor mill at the SGC is..." she trails off.

"I think it could be handled discreetly... besides, these are just ideas and I won't implement any of them unless you agree," I try to reassure her. "It's your call, if you prefer to go on like you have up until now I won't bring it up again, all I ask is that you don't shut me out."

"What are you thinking?" she finally asks after hesitating for a moment, giving in to her curiosity as I knew she would.

"Well, there are a number of things but I guess the most important one is that I was going over what you told me last night about why you chose to keep quiet in the first place and I think I may have found a loophole we can use to explain your silence **_without_** you getting in trouble for it."

"How?"

"Well, you mentioned that there were two separate reasons why you didn't say anything about what had happened to you. The one you described as your primary concern had to do with the fact that since Simarka was one of the first planets we ever visited you were worried about the fact that General Hammond might have decided that having women assigned to off-world teams was just too dangerous. The thing is that even going by what you told me that is no longer such a major issue because, as you said, by now he's probably come to terms with the fact that whenever we walk through that gate we face unknown dangers, all of us. On the other hand, you said that coming forward now is not really an option because you would not just have to explain what happened but also on top of that you would have to explain your silence and **_that's_** where the real problem lies, right?"

"Yes, so?"

"So that brings us to reason number two. Your second reason had to do with the fact that all this happened before Janet joined the SGC and at the time you didn't feel all that comfortable having Dr. Warner examine you, right?"

"Yes, but I'd rather keep that second reason to myself. It sounds so damned stupid right now."

"I told you, it's not stupid... and I don't think keeping it to yourself is such a good idea," I tell her with a small smile.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you see? You didn't say anything because you were uncomfortable with Dr. Warner."

"So?"

"So **_that's_** your loophole and it's one no one is likely to contest. Tell me something, if Janet had been in the infirmary when we came back from Simarka, what would you have done?" I ask.

I keep an eye on her as she contemplates her answer for a few seconds and then she says, "I don't know. I had never even thought about it but to tell you the truth I get the feeling that if Janet had been there not saying anything **_wouldn't_** have been an option. Dr. Warner didn't really seem comfortable with the idea that I might have been raped and I think he was doing his best not to think about it even being a possibility, I suspect Janet would have pushed the issue and insisted on an exam and that would basically have been it, why?"

"Do you trust her?" I ask, already knowing the answer to that question.

"Yes, but she would have been forced to tell General Hammond and..."

"But if you could talk to her without worrying about Hammond, if it were just Janet, do you trust her?" I interrupt her, knowing how the rest of that argument goes and knowing that now is not the time for it.

"Yes, but she can't keep it to herself without getting in trouble and I don't want to put her in a position of having to choose. That's one of the reasons why I haven't told her anything."

"And what about doctor/patient confidentiality?" I ask.

"I signed a disclosure agreement. My CO has a right to access my medical records under certain circumstances. I know that for the most part Janet doesn't feel comfortable disclosing those records unless there's something about them that poses an immediate threat to the SGC and I know General Hammond usually tries to respect that privacy as much as possible... but what does that have to do with anything?"

"I was thinking that maybe we could turn that situation around and into a way to inform Hammond without getting you in trouble and hopefully without anyone else knowing about it... at least it should be possible if we were to play our cards right," I explain. "First of all I would like to talk to Janet off base and off the record to try to gauge how she would react to any of this, that would be the first step, then with a little luck we should be able to figure out something with her help to work around your silence. I was thinking of something along the lines of blaming your non-disclosure on the absence of female personnel in the infirmary at the time..."

"No, I'm not letting Dr. Warner take the blame for this, it wouldn't be fair. It was my decision," she interrupts me and I know **_that_** is not something she is going to be changing her mind about any time soon.

"This is not about blame Sam," I try to reassure her, "but if it makes you feel better we can ask Janet to see if there's some way to explain the role Dr. Warner had to play in this whole thing without necessarily making it his fault... besides, pointing out the absence of female personnel at the time and saying that you were uncomfortable with the idea of a male doctor would be an accurate representation of the facts."

"It would be a **_partial_** representation of the facts and you know it," she corrects me.

"And how many times have we deliberately kept some information out of our reports by now?" I challenge her.

"But that's different!"

"Why?"

"Because..." she trails off.

"Because this time it would be intended to keep **_you_** safe rather than someone else? What would you do if our positions were reversed?" I push.

"Sure, throw logic at me," she growls.

"I'm not, I'm just pointing out that the absence of female personnel was relevant in your decision to keep quiet in the first place. It is an explanation that would be acceptable and also one that can be used to explain the fact that you didn't say anything for seven months. You say that you are worried about the fact that you could end up getting in trouble for keeping quiet in the first place and that is something I suspect General Hammond would probably be willing to accept as an explanation... and that means it is an explanation you can use to come forward now **_without_** getting in trouble."

"Janet would never buy that... and neither would General Hammond for that matter," she insists.

"I agree about Janet but I'm not so sure about General Hammond... and I'm fairly confident that you can tell Janet the whole truth. She would understand, as for Hammond I think that as long as he has a plausible excuse to let you off the hook he won't really push the issue."

"So you are saying that I tell Janet and she tells Hammond and that is going to solve everything? Somehow I don't think it's going to be quite that easy."

"No, it won't solve everything, you are right about that, but it would be an important first step. Besides it wouldn't be quite that straight forward either, in fact you are leaving out one step in the whole process. The way I see it, first I talk to Janet to try to get an idea of how she would react, then, if everything goes well in that conversation you come clean to her and let her deal with Hammond... and even if Hammond tries to pull you from SG-1 I'm fairly certain that I'd be able to talk him out of it."

"When did you figure all of this out?" she asks, looking at me with some suspicion.

"Last night," I admit.

"Did you get **_any_** sleep at all?"

"Not much but it doesn't really matter. This is more important."

"I'm scared," she admits, looking down and I know just how hard that admission had to be for her.

"Why? You don't think it will work?"

"No, it probably will... and that's part of the problem. If they know..."

"What will happen if 'they' know?" I encourage her.

"I don't know. I've worked so hard to get the general and the colonel to respect me, to see me for me and not just as 'The Girl' and I don't know how they are going to react... besides, if General Hammond knows I'll have to tell the colonel, there's no way around that and I don't want them to treat me like I'm broken. I'm still me but..."

"Yes, they are going to be upset and its going to take them a while to process this. I won't lie to you and tell you that things **_won't_** get more than a little awkward for a while but they'll get over it eventually... we'll get over it."

"Telling the colonel is not going to be pleasant," she points out and I can't help but think that **_that's_** a good candidate for understatement of the year.

"Actually, you should probably take advantage of the chain of command to take care of that particular detail," I say.

"You mean that if General Hammond knows then he would be required to inform him himself, especially seeing how it happened during a mission under his command, right?"

"Yes. That way Jack would be told but you wouldn't have to be the one to tell him and maybe after that I could try to run some interference to get him to calm down a little before he confronts you."

"This whole thing feels like the coward's way out," she says, shaking her head. "It's my mess and I should be the one to clean it up."

"No, it's not a coward's way out, it is our best shot at enabling you to get rid of some of the weight you've been carrying these past few months without getting in trouble for it and without making matters worse. As for letting the general tell Jack about this, if it makes you feel better, it is also the way in which I suspect it will be easier for him to deal with all of this. He is going to freak when he first hears about this, I can promise you that much, and I think he would much rather **_not_** have you as a witness to that particular reaction."

"I don't like it. I mean, as far as plans go this is probably the best thing I could possibly have hoped for and I know it but still..."

"Listen, Sam, it's going to be okay. I understand **_why_** you decided to keep quiet in the first place and I understand that in the end **_you_** are the one who has to decide whether or not the risks you take whenever you go off-world are worth taking. That is a decision we **_all_** have to make and I understand why you didn't want the military to make it for you but the way I see it you can't go on like this. You may have managed to come to terms with what Turghan did to you but right now keeping this a secret is killing you and I think you know it."

"But what if General Hammond still feels that it's too dangerous for me to be out there?"

"Then I bring out the **_really_** big guns and I tell him **_exactly_** why pulling you from the team would be a **_very_** bad idea," I tell her. "Do you remember what I said last night about how the fact that I'm **_not_** military means that I have a greater freedom to speak my mind? Well, if it comes to that I promise you that I will take full advantage of that freedom... besides, I can pretty much guarantee that if it comes down to it Jack will back you up, military protocol be damned. I won't lie to you though, even if it works it won't be easy... and as for it being the coward's way out, well, there remains one more thing you have to consider that won't be easy and it will be a decision you will have to make entirely on your own."

"What do you mean?"

"What do you want to do about Teal'c? The decision on whether he should be told or not is yours and yours alone... of course, there are pros and cons to both approaches and you may want to take those into account. The way I see it if you don't tell him that could cause some serious tension within the team, especially if he were ever to find out that everyone else knew and he didn't. In that regard telling him would probably be the ideal course of action... the only problem is that we just don't know enough about Chulak to even begin to speculate on how he is going to react to the news and that unpredictability means that telling him could also be disastrous for the team. It's your call."

"Thanks, Daniel," she mock-growls at me.

"Well, you were the one who said that letting your friends help you sort this one out was the coward's way out and I know you are no coward... you don't expect me to start coddling you now, do you?" I ask as I set her breakfast down in front of her.

"Thanks, Daniel," she says... and this time around I can see that she actually means it.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, just a quick note to thank you for your reviews, they really help keep me going. 


	13. Chapter 13: Coming to an Understanding

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 13: Coming To An Understanding... Sort Of  
(Daniel's POV)

Sam went home a while ago, right after I called Janet and asked her to drop by and now I'm waiting for the doorbell to ring while I try to figure out what I could possibly have been thinking when I volunteered to talk to Janet in the first place. Okay, so maybe I'm not really wondering seeing how I do remember that but I am wondering what caused me to believe that doing this was such a good idea, what led me to believe that I could actually handle this. My talk with Sam earlier today was hard enough and somehow I don't think Janet is going to be much easier, though it is certainly going to be very different and it is also going to require a very different approach.

I know Sam and I know she is not particularly comfortable dealing with emotions and that means that I knew from the very beginning that with her the situation had to be approached rationally... and I also knew that she needed to see that I could handle the things she was telling me, otherwise she would have immediately clammed up on me. Unfortunately in order to prove to her that I could handle what she was telling me I knew I had to keep my own emotions in check and doing that was no picnic, not by a long shot.

The good news is that, in spite of everything, I somehow managed to get her to agree to come clean and I'm hoping that will help, at least a little. I wasn't kidding when I said that I felt she couldn't go on like this for much longer but at the same time I wasn't being entirely truthful when I said that her silence is her biggest problem. The truth is that I really don't know how she is doing in terms of dealing with what happened in Simarka. From what I've seen I think she's doing as well as can be expected but, as Sam would undoubtedly point out, 'as well as can be expected' is a relative term... of course, I also know that for the time being that is **_not_** our most pressing concern.

Right now the most important thing is to bring under control those aspects that can be brought under control with a minimum of fuss... there will be time to tackle the other elements of this whole mess later and that is the reason why I'm about to brave the wrath of one Dr. Janet Fraiser.

I know it has to be done, I know it is probably the only way to enable Sam to break her silence, or at least it was the only one I could think of based on what I know about the military, but that doesn't mean I'm not worried... both for her safety and for my own. The fact is that Janet has a temper when she is pushed hard enough and I can't help but fear what would happen if she were to decide to shoot the messenger... especially because this time around I happen to be that messenger.

The thing is I know Janet won't be happy about what she is going to be told and there will be three possible targets for her anger: it's going to be either me, Sam or Turghan, and while Turghan is the one who truly deserves it he is not on this planet and that means it's going to be either Sam or me... and knowing Janet she is going to know better than to take it out on Sam. That effectively narrows it down to one.

I'm still trying to figure out what to say, and how to say it, when there's a knock on the door. I swallow hard before opening it. I know that once I talk to Janet there will be no turning back and the truth is that I'm about as worried as Sam about what is going to happen next, even if it is for an entirely different reason. I am not particularly worried about how Janet is going to react, I may be a little concerned for my own survival but I know she can be trusted. My problem right now is that I am most definitely worried by the fact that I am all but certain that I've bitten more than I can chew here. The one who is on the line is one of my best friends and the truth is that I'd rather gamble with my life than with someone else's.

As soon as she sees me Janet narrows her eyes and I immediately realize that she is aware that there's something wrong... so much for stalling and setting things up carefully.

"Okay, Daniel, what is it?" she asks by way of greeting, skipping the 'pleasantries' altogether

"What's what?"

"The reason you asked me to come here in the first place. It's not like you and you wouldn't have done it if it weren't important so..." she prods.

"First I need to know that whatever we say here won't go beyond the two of us, I need you to keep this conversation off the record, at least for now," I say, **_hoping_** to contain her for just a little bit longer.

"Why don't I like the sound of that?" she asks, even though I'm pretty sure it is a rhetorical question.

"Can you promise?"

"Have I ever told you how much I hate blind promises where I don't even know what it is that I'm promising in the first place?"

"I think you just did. It's just that I have a couple of questions I need to ask you and depending on the answers to those questions we'll see where do we go from there. If I promise not to say anything that could put you in a compromising position would you be willing to promise that this conversation won't get back to General Hammond?"

"Okay, that I can agree to," she says, rather reluctantly and I can see that she is still not happy about any of this.

"If it makes you feel any better I can tell you that chances are I won't even ask you to keep this a secret, quite the contrary, but for the time being I'd rather operate under the assumption that that secrecy is going to be necessary... at least until I know a little more about some details."

"Fair enough, I guess. So, are you going to tell me what this is all about?" she asks.

"I need to know what you would do if you were to find out that a member of an SG team deliberately kept something from the CMO and out of a report."

"Well, that would probably depend on what that something is. If it is something that could possibly compromise the safety of a team or the SGC as a whole I would be forced to report it. If it is something that does not have an impact beyond the person involved I would probably try to respect that person's wishes, though in some instances --if it is something that could have an impact at a later date-- I would have to include the appropriate information in that person's medical file and that could end up making its way back to General Hammond eventually. Either way, with very few exceptions, concealing an injury from the medical staff wouldn't be enough to get anyone in too much trouble... let's face it otherwise the SGC would have been shut down due to the fact that we would have run out of qualified personnel a **_very_** long time ago. The truth is that at times it seems to me that the prevalent mentality among my reluctant patients is 'if I'm still conscious it can't be more serious than a little scratch' so unless it is something that could have widespread consequences it wouldn't really be much of an issue."

"And what about doctor/patient confidentiality? How would that play into this? Would you have to report that something has been disclosed to you as a doctor or would it stay between you and that person?"

"Again, it would depend on what **_it_** is. Usually I try to respect my patients' privacy as much as possible but given the nature of the work we do the truth is that that is not always an option. The thing is that seeing how General Hammond has access to all pertinent files and how I can't black out part of them, adding something to those files **_without_** informing the general could end up doing more harm than good... especially if it is something that **_should _** have been reported in the first place. Have you been keeping something from me, Daniel, something I should have been told about?"

"Me? No, I haven't," I say, thankful for the fact that I don't really have to lie about that.

"But you know someone who has, don't you?" she asks, narrowing her eyes and I get the funny feeling that she is about to move in for the kill.

"Not exactly," I say, trying to stall her for a little bit longer as I wonder when I lost control of this encounter. Come to think of it maybe I should be wondering if I was ever in control of it in the first place.

"So, are you going to tell me what this is all about?" she pushes.

"I can't tell you, not yet. I did promise you that I wouldn't say anything that could possibly leave you in an untenable position here and that is one promise I intend to keep."

"So why did you ask me to come here in the first place?"

"Because I had to know where we stand and I'm no expert on military procedure, especially not when it comes to medical issues. That and the fact that we may need your help here but at the same time I don't want to compromise you by telling you something you may feel the need to report back to the general... especially because I also promised someone else that this whole thing would be handled discreetly."

"Why don't you let me worry about General Hammond? If there is a problem that requires a doctor I need to know about it," she says, glaring at me.

"It's not so simple... though I can tell you that even though there is something going on, it does not represent a medical emergency."

"Daniel, what's going on here?" she asks and I can see that she is just about out of patience.

"I..." I begin but then I trail off as I realize that I'm stuck. I'm not ready to tell Janet the truth, not yet, but I can't lie to her either.

"Sam was raped in Simarka, wasn't she?" asks Janet narrowing her eyes after thinking things over for a few seconds.

"What? How did you...?"

"Well, it wasn't that difficult to figure it out... all I had to do was split hairs with your words to try and figure out what you **_weren't_** telling me. You are here talking to me about what would happen if someone were to conceal something from the CMO --and I'm assuming you don't mean a little scratch-- but when I asked you you said that you haven't been keeping anything from me. That basically narrowed it down to the three remaining members of SG-1, that was my first clue. On top of that there was the fact that you told me that whatever it is it is **_not_** a medical emergency and therefore it could just as easily be something that isn't really a new development. Finally when I asked you if it was someone else who had been keeping something**_ from me_** your answer to that question was 'not exactly' when the fact is that it either is or isn't... or at least that is what it would have seemed at first glance. The only way for that to be a 'not exactly' would be if someone had been deliberately keeping something off the record since **_before_** I joined the SGC, therefore it would be something that hasn't been kept from **_me_** but rather from the CMO as a more general figure.

"That served to narrow things down even further, in fact it narrowed them down to a little more than a month and barely a handful of missions, and in all but one of those missions the team had mostly stayed together. You sounded too nervous for whatever **_it_** was to be the result of a situation in which the whole team had been compromised and the fact that you sounded fairly certain that it **_wasn't_** something that could compromise the base's security was another factor. In addition to that there is the fact that if Colonel O'Neill had been aware of whatever the problem is I seriously doubt you would have found it necessary to come to me in secret and ask me about medical procedure in the military... or about the status of doctor/patient confidentiality. In fact that was yet another clue because it suggested to me that it had to be something where that confidentiality would have played a significant role in the first place. Anyway, since I had already pretty much ruled out Colonel O'Neill, that meant that whatever it was it was something that was confined to the party involved and that party was likely to be either Sam or Teal'c. Somehow I didn't think Teal'c was a likely candidate so I focused on the only remaining possibility... and from there on the answer was obvious.

"The only instance in which the team had been separated for any length of time in those early missions had been in Simarka when Sam had actually been **_sold_** to a warlord. In other words that was one mission I already knew had come pretty close to disaster, especially for her. I have read Dr. Warner's report concerning the extent of the damage to Sam's back so it wasn't like she had been keeping her injuries a secret... and I have to admit that after reading that report I couldn't help but think that Dr. Warner should have done more to rule out the possibility of a sexual assault at the time. It was something that was already in the back of my mind and your efforts to talk around the issue just confirmed my suspicions."

"Is she in trouble?" I ask, more than a little worried. I really should have foreseen the possibility of Janet playing Sherlock Holmes on me, after all, I've seen her piecing together a medical mystery more than once and I should have realized that in her mind that's what this was going to be: a medical mystery involving one of her patients.

"No, she is not in trouble but you on the other hand... how long have you known about this?"

"I've known that there was something bothering her for a couple of weeks now, though at first I wasn't entirely sure of just what it was. I asked her outright about it while we were off-world yesterday and we talked things through last night. This morning I asked her if it would be okay for me to talk to you though I did promise not to say anything if there was any chance at all that she could end up getting in trouble for it. That's when I called you."

"Well, you didn't exactly say anything, I figured it out on my own so I guess you are in the clear in that regard. So you really haven't been covering for her?"

"No, but I would have if she had asked me to. The thing is that I don't know how to help her and I'm worried."

"And you think I do? This is a little out of my area of expertise. I'm a military doctor and she's my friend!"

"I know it's not your area of expertise, the problem is that since this whole thing is mission-related and she's been keeping it quiet there's no way for her to ask for help in the first place and that is something that has to change."

"Okay, we are still talking Sam here, aren't we? Because I've got to tell you that there is something very wrong when you use the words 'Sam' and 'ask for help' in the same sentence. I agree that she should seek help but I don't think she's going to do it... and I don't think **_ordering_** her to get help is going to do much good either, not when she's smart enough to mess with any test a psychologist could throw at her... and I still don't understand what you want me to do about any of this."

"Well, this is kind of the part where you could end up being compromised," I say, knowing that there's no backing out now so I have no choice but to move forward.

"What are you thinking?"

"Sam is worried about what the consequences would be if she were to come forward now, after so long, and I wanted to ask you something. From what I've read it's standard procedure to have female personnel handle rape cases, is that true?"

"Yes, of course. Why?"

"Well, as you know back when this whole thing went down Dr. Warner was temporarily in charge of the infirmary and not just in charge of surgery, right?"

"Yes, so?"

"So, would the absence of female personnel be considered relevant enough to justify Sam's decision not to say anything, at least in the eyes of the military?"

"Perhaps at first it could be described almost as an instinctive reaction for her to distrust Dr. Warner because of his gender at a time when she was already deeply traumatized but her silence since then is going to be far more difficult to explain," she says. "The thing is that while I don't think Sam is likely to get in too much trouble for failing to disclose the rape to the medical personnel at the time, the real problem is going to be the fact that she lied on her mission report and what's worse she failed to disclose something that could be described as enemy activity."

"But would it be considered 'enemy activity'? After all, the status of alien cultures other than the Goa'uld is not exactly clear in that regard so **_that_** would be open for debate, wouldn't it?"

"That would be walking a **_very_** fine line," Janet points out.

"Maybe but with a little luck a fine line is all we would need. I mean, how about saying that she kept silent at first as a result of a knee-jerk reaction and that then she didn't say anything for fear of getting in trouble due to the fact that she had already kept it a secret in the first place? Would that be enough to keep her out of trouble? After all, she can't be accused of failing to follow procedure if the cause of that failure can be traced back to an earlier failure that can be attributed to the SGC itself, can she?"

"You may be right about that but I have to say that your explanation is not all that believable, not coming from Sam anyway. It could work, I'm not denying that, however I'm not buying it."

"I don't expect you to, all I'm asking is if it would be enough to give General Hammond an excuse not to come down on her too harshly."

"Yes, it would probably be enough to allow him to let her off the hook but I'm not sure he would... as far as excuses go that one is pretty flimsy. So, care to tell me the real reason why she did something so incredibly stupid?"

"Well, Dr. Warner **_was_** part of the problem but mostly she kept quiet because it was too early in the team's history and she was worried that if General Hammond had been told about it he would have pulled her from the team for her own safety."

"Okay, that does sound like Sam. So, how is she really doing?"

"It's hard to tell. She seems to be doing fine in some aspects but at the same time she's worried about some of the details of what happened, she is having some trouble sleeping, she's not particularly happy with the idea of coming forward and I think the pressure is really starting to get to her though she's doing her best to hide it."

"I can imagine. Playing the good soldier to the bitter end, even if it kills her," mutters Janet, sounding resigned but far less than impressed.

"You could say that. The thing is that she can't go on keeping this a secret and I was kind of wondering..."

"You were wondering if it would be possible for me as CMO to disclose this information to General Hammond in such a way that it **_doesn't_** look like she's been lying through her teeth to keep herself from being kicked out of SG-1 even though that's **_exactly_** what she's been doing?"

"Well, I wouldn't have phrased it quite like that but basically, yes. Right now Sam feels she can't come forward and the fear that this will come out seems to be the one thing that worries her the most. She may not be particularly eager to get help but..."

"But maybe if Hammond were to be informed of this situation that would help alleviate the pressure somehow?"

"That's the general idea," I admit.

"In other words, you want me to volunteer to be the one to tell him, don't you?"

"Well, you are the CMO and one of Sam's closest friends so it would make sense."

"If we are such good friends then why the hell didn't she say something about this?"

"Don't take it personally."

"'Don't take it personally', he says, how the hell am I supposed to take it?" grumbles Janet and I'm getting worried here. Two 'hells' in two questions are not a good sign and I know it.

"I don't know, all I know is that right now she needs our help," I say, trying to defuse the situation.

"Okay, I'll help her but I want to talk to her before I talk to Hammond. I need to know how she's handling this if I'm going to cover for her."

"I thought you might."

"Do you know where she is?"

"She went home a couple of hours ago."

"A couple of **_hours_** ago?"

"Yes, she kind of spent the night here. I didn't want her to be alone if she had a nightmare so I took the couch."

"So, when you say she's having **_some_** trouble sleeping you mean she's having **_a lot_** of trouble sleeping, don't you?"

"That and the fact that I know what it's like to wake up from a nightmare and to know that there's no one there. I know what it's like to be unable to get it out of your head for hours on end, it's not something I'd wish on my enemies and it's certainly not something I'd wish on my friends," I admit.

"You are a good friend, Daniel, but if we are going to help her we are going to have to work together, so why don't you tell me how she's doing? And don't try to protect her from me," she warns me before I can say a single word. "I need to know if I'm going to go along with this plan."

"I'm not really sure. From what I've seen so far I think she's exhausted, terrified at the thought that the fact that she kept this a secret is going to come out **_somehow_** and that as a result she'll lose her place in SG-1, stressed out and blaming herself... at least to some extent," I say, hoping that I'm not making a mistake here.

"She's blaming **_herself_**?" asks Janet.

"Well, maybe not so much blaming herself but she keeps trying to come up with all kinds of scenarios of things she might have done differently that would have led to a different outcome, like if she hadn't challenged Turghan in the first place maybe she would have been fine and so on," I explain.

"You do realize that that's **_not_** a good sign, don't you?"

"Come on, Janet, it's perfectly normal."

"No, it's not."

"She doesn't seem to be obsessed with it, if that's what you are worried about," I insist, "and it's a natural reaction. Do you have any idea of how many hours I've spent going over possible 'what if' scenarios in my mind concerning Sha're?"

"I'll be the judge of that... and if she is in trouble I **_will_** recommend counseling."

"With MacKenzie?" I challenge her. "That's not what she needs and you know she's smart enough to defeat any test that he could possibly try to force on her, you said so yourself. She may not have the background in psychology to lead to an entirely false result if MacKenzie actually knows what he's looking for but she wouldn't have too much trouble mixing her answers so that his results are inconclusive to say the least... and after seven months of reading and researching I suspect she would be more than capable of telling MacKenzie exactly what he wants to hear. Let's face it, she's had over half a dozen mandatory sessions with him as a result of our experiences off-world in the past seven months --including one right after Simarka where he cleared her for duty and one in which she actually allowed him to hypnotize her-- and the man's never even suspected that there was something wrong with her in the first place. Besides, even if she **_doesn't_** have the knowledge to pull it off right now, and I'm not convinced that she doesn't, she is a quick study and trying to force her to talk to someone she **_doesn't_** trust would be one heck of a motivation."

"I know MacKenzie is not an ideal option under the circumstances but..."

"But the fact remains that he is the **_only_** option for SGC personnel and you know it. That means we have to come up with another way to help her somehow... one she won't be fighting every step of the way because that would almost certainly end up causing more harm than good. It would only serve to **_add_** to the stress she's under. I mean, I know both you and General Hammond have the authority to order her to see MacKenzie but the fact is that neither one of you have the power to get her to trust him."

"Let me talk to Sam first and then we'll see, okay? **_If_** there are no red flags I'll see what I can do to come up with an alternative," says Janet and I know that's the most I'm going to get out of her in that regard.

"You are not going to be too hard on her, are you?" I ask, knowing that Janet is **_not_** a happy camper right now and also somewhat worried by the fact that I ended up telling her a lot more than I was supposed to.

"She's my friend too, Daniel, you don't have to protect her from me... but would it make you feel better if I were to promise that if I beat her to a bloody pulp for pulling this stunt on me, I'll patch her up real good afterwards?"

Somehow I don't find that thought to be particularly comforting... not by a long shot.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, first of all, I want to thank those of you who take the time to review, that is something I **_really_** appreciate. Also, as you may have noticed, this chapter was fairly long, in fact it was originally meant to be split into two parts due to length but in the end I decided against it. Simply put, splitting it just didn't seem to make any sense from the story's perspective.

The thing is that the fact that I **_won't_** be splitting long chapters without a very good reason is going to take a good chunk out of my intended chapter count and that **_will_** have an impact of an entirely different nature: fewer chapters means I'll have to make a decision about whether or not a sequel is going to be written all that much sooner. That's not something I'm sure I'm ready to decide just yet but it is something where I would definitely appreciate getting some input (though "Propagation" itself still has a long way to go, regardless of the chapter count).

Oh, well, we'll see how that goes.

Take care,

Alec


	14. Chapter 14: But I'm Fine!

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 14: But I'm Fine!  
(Janet's POV)

"So I'm guessing you talked to Daniel," she says almost as soon as she opens the door. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that she is feeling more than a little defensive and the truth is that I have no clue as to what am I supposed to be saying right about now. After I left Daniel's place coming here seemed to be the natural thing for me to do but maybe I should have tried to come up with some sort of plan of attack... after all we are talking **_Sam_** here.

"Yes, why didn't you tell me?"

"You weren't here, you know that. This whole thing went down before you joined the SGC and by the time you came on board and we became friends there really wasn't much point in me saying anything about it. I mean, I'm fine and honestly it's no big deal..."

"No big deal!"

"Okay, it was bad, I'm not denying that, but it's not like I can go back and change things so I might as well get over it... besides, it could have been a lot worse... it almost was," the last part is little more than a whisper but I hear it anyway.

"What almost was, Sam?" I prod.

"Nothing," she says a little too quickly for my liking.

"Sam..."

"It's just that what he did to me was nothing compared to what the women on that planet had to endure and they never even thought it was a big deal but the idea of being stuck there, of being... that was a lot worse than..."

"So what you are saying is that being raped was bad but seeing how it could have been even worse that makes it okay?" I say, deliberately playing the fool but wanting to see how she reacts to my phrasing. I'm relieved to see that even though she is looking far from comfortable at least she doesn't flinch at the mention of the word 'rape'. That's good, especially considering that I'm really not good with euphemisms.

"No, of course not... it doesn't make it okay but it does put it in perspective," she explains. "It happened, it's over and there are no permanent consequences. Believe me, I can live with that."

"Do you really believe that, Sam?" I push.

"I have to... it's not like I have much of a choice, is it? I can either live with it or let Turghan win and letting him win is not an option."

"So you are living out of spite now?"

"Will you stop twisting my words around?" she growls.

"That's what it sounded like," I point out.

"All I'm saying is that yes, it was bad but it wasn't as bad as you are making it out to be. Being in Simarka gave me a brand new definition of 'bad' and all of a sudden this whole thing doesn't seem to be anywhere near as big a deal as you are trying to make it out to be. Think of it in terms of the scale having been reset, that's all."

"Somehow I find that hard to believe."

"Yes, well, let's just say that what's bad in our sheltered little world is **_nothing_** compared to what's really out there... and I don't just mean off-world."

"What do you mean, Sam? What's out there?"

"I don't want to talk about that," she says, leaving no room for argument.

"Okay, but I want you to help me understand because right now I'm more than a little lost."

"It doesn't matter, nothing happened."

Growing more than a little frustrated but seeing the stubborn glint in Sam's eyes I decide to try a different approach.

"Daniel says you are having some trouble sleeping."

"Daniel talks too much," she mutters.

"He's just worried about you, as am I..."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you so worried? Because now you know what happened? Nothing's changed, Janet, not really. It's not like it was yesterday. This whole thing went down over seven months ago so why is everybody suddenly treating me like I'm going to shatter on impact?"

"Yes, it was seven months ago and that means that you've had a seven month head start in trying to come to terms with it," I remind her. "For us the realization that maybe we should have picked up on the fact that there was something wrong with you is just starting to sink in and it's going to take us a while to come to terms with it. We are your friends and you've been shutting us out. As for your claims that you are just fine, the fact that you are still having trouble sleeping is enough for me to know that that's not entirely true."

"Yes, well, that would depend on what the nightmares are about, wouldn't it?" she snaps, sounding more than a little angry.

"I just want to help you."

"I know, sorry, it's just that..."

"That talking about it makes it real?" I ask.

"No... that's not it. I know it's real," she says, shaking her head.

"Then what is it? You said what Turghan did to you wasn't so bad so tell me, what else happened on that planet? What is it that's giving you nightmares?"

"I don't know. I mean, it's not just one thing... I'm worried about what will happen if General Hammond ever finds out... when he finds out. I don't want him to kick me out of SG-1."

"That's what you are worried about?"

"Some of it. I'm not worried about Turghan if that's what you are thinking. I mean, the man's not even on this planet and I know I'll never see him again. I know that even if some SGC personnel ever has to have any further contact with Simarka for whatever reason, the general now knows to send an all male team to that particular planet so that's not an issue," she tells me, almost as if she were trying to convince herself of what she's saying.

"But you are worried about the possibility of finding yourself in a similar position again, is that it? You are worried about what will happen the next time you go to a world with a similar view of women."

" A little," she admits, "though it's not the way you think and I'm also hoping it won't come to that. I mean, we've been to a couple of dozen worlds since then and nothing like that has ever happened again and I think the whole team will be more careful so I should be fine. I want to be out there... I don't want them to hide me away because I'm a woman. I don't want some man to make that decision for me based on my gender."

"I know you don't, but that doesn't mean you can bury your head in the sand about what you've been through."

"I'm not. I've been researching... trying to understand, to figure out what I need to know to keep it from happening again."

"This is not about understanding, Sam," I tell her, shaking my head.

"But it is. If I had known more about their culture and their way of life maybe I could have..."

"You could have done something differently? It wasn't your fault," I insist.

'"I know that, but if I hadn't pushed Turghan then maybe..."

"What would have happened if you **_hadn't_** pushed him?" I ask, curious as to how she is going to rationalize that one.

"He wouldn't have hurt me. Don't you see? It was a punishment, Janet, I disobeyed him and he punished me... that's how it all started. I knew the guys were coming to get me and if I hadn't pushed him they would have been there on time. They thought they were on time... the colonel and Teal'c still do."

"But they weren't, were they?"

"No... I felt so fucking helpless... waiting to be rescued like a damned damsel in distress. I hated it!"

"But in the end you did manage to defeat Turghan. You were the one who fought him for his daughter's life, weren't you?" I remind her.

"Yes."

"You know I'm going to have to tell General Hammond about this, don't you?" I say, changing the subject and trying to draw her out of her shell.

"Yes."

"What do you want me to tell him?" I ask, hoping to get an answer that is more than a syllable long.

"What?" she asks, having obviously been caught off guard by the offer.

"Well, you've already told me that you want to stay in SG-1 and I'll see what I can do about that, but other than that what do you want to see happen now?"

"I don't know, I guess I want things to stay as normal as possible. I don't want everyone to know what happened... I know the general will have to inform the colonel and that's not something I'm looking forward to but..."

"Oh yes, isn't that going to be a fun little briefing?" I say sarcastically.

"What if he wants me out of his team?"

"Are you kidding me? Believe me, he will probably want to go back to Simarka to teach Turghan a lesson but he will most definitely **_not_** ask that you be removed from his team. In fact I can pretty much promise you that if the general were to dare to even suggest something like that he would get an earful and the chain of command be damned. You really have nothing to worry about in that regard," I say, trying to reassure her.

"I just wish I could be so sure, I mean..."

"You've been obsessing over this for seven months haven't you?"

"Maybe a little," she reluctantly admits.

"Not just a little, Sam."

"So, you really think it will be fine?" she asks sounding almost hopeful for the first time since I walked in the door.

"Yes, I really do... at least as far as the general is concerned but that's just the tip of the iceberg. About everything else, well I'm not so sure. I'm worried about you," I admit.

"But I'm fine!" she insists.

"Are you? Come on, Sam, you know better than that. You may be doing fine under the circumstances but you are a long way from being fine."

"Whatever."

"I'm not the enemy here, you know?" I tell her.

"Yeah, well..."

"I'm just trying to help you," I say, growing increasingly frustrated with the brick wall I'm currently facing.

"Maybe I just want to be left alone," she growls.

"And maybe I need something I can tell General Hammond," I snap, knowing that using her fears against her is not playing fair but not really caring at the moment... besides, I'm not lying about that, I really do need something to tell him.

"You can tell him I'm fine," she insists.

"Sorry, but that's not what I'm seeing. You stayed at Daniel's last night, didn't you?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" she asks.

"Just answer me."

"Yes, he said he wanted me to be able to sleep without being afraid of waking up, but nothing happened."

"And I'm not suggesting that it did. So, how did you sleep?"

"Okay, I guess."

"Better than you've been sleeping lately?" I push.

"Maybe. I didn't have any nightmares but..." she trails off.

"So knowing that Daniel was there actually helped?"

"I guess, why?"

"Because if the fact that knowing that you were not alone actually made a difference then it may be a sign that you are so worried about your dreams that it's actually making matters worse and that's a cycle you have to break before it spins out of control. Let me guess, when you are home alone you try to put off going to bed for as long as you can, don't you?"

"So?" she asks, not even trying to deny it.

"So you can't go on like that. You have a dangerous job and a lack of sleep is bound to impact your reactions sooner or later, you know that."

"It's not so bad, Janet. I can sleep off-world... mostly."

"Again, when you are surrounded by your team and you are not alone," I point out.

"Well, kind of, but the point is that it's not a problem during our missions."

"Fine, we'll let that go for now. Are you dating?"

"When?"

"What do you mean 'when'?" I ask, having been caught somewhat off guard by her unusual question.

"When am I ever going to find the time to meet anyone in the first place? You know I'm off-world half the time and even when I'm here I'm usually at the base. Besides, working on a highly classified project doesn't exactly help my social life... believe me, all that lying gets old **_real_** fast."

"So you've basically been avoiding social, and sexual, situations for seven months?" I push, ignoring her excuses.

"Actually it's a lot more than eight. I haven't dated anyone since long before I transferred to the SGC and since **_before_** the incident with Turghan, though come to think of it that is not entirely true either. After all, I did try to initiate something with the colonel back when..."

"I mean when you are being yourself. Somehow I don't think your behavior while infected with an alien disease counts," I point out.

"Okay, fine then no, I haven't been dating anyone lately but I don't see how that is anyone's business but my own and it better **_not_** get back to General Hammond."

"Don't worry, I'm not going to share every last detail with him."

"So what, this is just about you being curious?"

"No, it's about the fact that I'm going to have to recommend a course of action as your doctor here."

"Well, I don't see how my sex life is relevant, but if you want me to go out an find someone so I can get laid and you can feel better about it..."

"That's not what I meant and you know it!"

"Maybe not but you keep telling me that I'm **_not_** fine because I haven't gone out and found someone... besides when was the last time you went out on a date, let alone actually had sex?"

"That's not the point."

"You got divorced years ago and you haven't had any serious relationships since, have you?"

"No, but..."

"And does that mean you are not fit for duty?"

"Of course not but this is not about me."

"I know that but you are still suddenly determined to judge me by a different standard. You are hinting at the fact that me not being in any sort of relationship right now is a sign of trouble and that is not the case. So, I haven't slept with anyone in a while, big deal. Believe it or not that has nothing to do with Simarka. I'm not afraid of having sex if that's what you are worried about, I just happen to have other priorities. I don't have the time to develop a relationship with anyone right now... and that's **_not_** something new."

"No, you are probably right about it not being something new, but I do believe that some of your reactions may have changed since then and pretending that that hasn't happened is not going to get you anywhere."

"What do you mean?"

"Sam, do you remember what happened when Hathor took over the base?"

"Kind of hard to forget."

"And do you remember when we were locked up in that cell?"

"Sure," she says, narrowing her eyes.

"Okay, now tell me something: was your reaction when I suggested that we try to 'charm' our way out of there the same it would have been a few months ago, before the mission to Simarka, or was it slightly different? Were you more uncomfortable with the notion of what we had to do than you would have been a few months earlier?"

"Maybe a little but I would never have deemed it a fun idea... and neither would you."

"No, it wasn't 'fun' but it was necessary for us to get out of there and of the five of us in that cell you were by far the one who was the most uncomfortable with the whole scenario. You knocked your guy out the moment he was in range and before he had completely lowered his guard and you know it. Now, I'm not saying that there's anything **_wrong_** with the way in which you reacted, in fact knowing what I know now I'd say that you handled yourself far better than I would have expected you to under the circumstances and if I had known what had happened with Turghan I probably wouldn't have asked you to be front and center in seducing the guys in the first place but the fact that your reaction was perfectly normal under the circumstances doesn't mean that that reaction wasn't there."

"Okay, so maybe I'm not one hundred percent just yet but..."

"That's precisely the point! You don't have to be at one hundred percent... no one is going to think any less of you because you are struggling with this."

"It's my problem and I'm handling it," she insists, "and it's getting better, it really is... I just need a little more time, that's all. Yes, I won't deny that I was uncomfortable with the whole idea of us 'charming' our way out of that cell but as you said I handled it and you just demonstrated one of my main reasons for wanting to keep quiet in the first place. I don't want to have people trying to protect me and treating me like I can't do my job... that's the last thing I need."

"What do you mean?"

"You just said it yourself. You said that if you'd known what had happened with Turghan you wouldn't have asked me to take such an active role in getting us out of that cell, don't you get it? I'm not broken and I certainly don't need to be protected!"

"That's not what I meant!"

"Yes, it is... and that's exactly what I **_don't_** want!"

"I understand that but at the same time you have to know it's not so simple."

"I know, it's just that..."

"That what?"

"That I feel like all of a sudden everything is spinning out of control and there's nothing I can do about it."

"Well, you being unable to do anything about it is kind of the definition of 'out of control'," I point out trying to lighten the mood, at least a little.

"I know but somehow that doesn't really help. I don't know what's going to happen or how the general and the colonel are going to react. I just want things to stay the way they are but there's no way that's going to happen, not now."

"So, what do you think you'd need to make this better?" I ask.

"Time, mostly," she says, looking down and I wonder what she's thinking, what she **_isn't_** telling me.

"You can have that time, that's not the problem, though some things are going to have to change around here and I think you know that."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, for starters you are going to have to get used to the fact that you have a couple of friends that are not going to let you shut them out any more, you are also going to have to get used to the idea that you can let go... and I'm afraid that you are going to have to get used to the idea that I'm going to have to tell the general about this. There's no way around that and you know it."

"He's going to make me talk to MacKenzie, isn't he?"

"I don't know. What do you think?"

"I don't see how it can be avoided."

"But you want to avoid it if you can?" I ask. Daniel had already told me that she wasn't particularly comfortable with that idea and I agree with him that MacKenzie is not the best person to handle this situation but the problem is that just like she said, we don't really have a viable alternative... not without me going out on a limb here and I really need more information before I can agree to **_that_**.

"Oh yes, but somehow I don't think I'm going to be given much of a choice in the matter," she says sounding almost resigned.

"I'll make you a deal, if you are not comfortable with him I'll see if I can somehow come up with another option **_if_** you promise to stop fighting me."

"Blackmail?"

"Not exactly, but I really need you to trust me if I'm going to be able to help you out here. I need to be certain that I know where you stand and that you are really going to be fine if I'm going to suggest a non-traditional alternative to MacKenzie... and not sleeping and not dating don't qualify as being fine so don't even try it."

"Fine," she retorts.

"Sam..." I half-growl at her before realizing that I'm about to fall for one of her diversionary tactics. "Okay, I know you don't want to talk about that but you said that the scale had been reset and that all of a sudden being raped didn't seem like such a big deal any more, can you tell me what you meant by that, at least give me some clue as to what we are dealing with here."

"Turghan threatened me. He said he was going to have me..." she trails off again and I can see that she's really struggling here with whatever it is that she's trying to say. Knowing that I can't let it go, not this time, I decide to push a little.

"What was he going to do, Sam?"

"It wasn't so much a threat, the funny thing is that I really don't think he meant it like one. It wasn't something he was going to do to hurt me or as some sort of punishment . As far as he was concerned it was something he felt he had to do to me for my **_benefit_**, to make me fit to be his wife, something when he first bought me he had assumed had been done to me years ago. It was something that was done to all the women in his clan if not on that whole damned planet when they were seven or eight years old."

"Sam?"

"He was going to have me circumcised," she whispers.

"**_WHAT!_**"

"You heard me."

"Are you okay?" I ask, totally horrified.

"Yes, he didn't do it, if that's what you are asking. Believe me, even Dr. Warner would have noticed something like that. From what I gathered there was some sort of ritual involved or something and the clan's midwife said that there wasn't enough daylight left to do it then and there so the whole thing was postponed until morning only the guys got me out long before that but I'm not ashamed to admit that I was scared... **_really_** scared."

"No wonder you said that the scale had been reset," I say, trying to assimilate what she's just told me.

"Yes, well..."

"What is it?"

"There was a little girl in the camp and I just keep seeing her whenever I close my eyes. I can't get her out of my mind."

"Is that what your nightmares are about?" I ask, already knowing the answer to my question.

"That and what's going to happen once General Hammond finds out about this."

"So when you told me you weren't really having nightmares about the rape you were actually telling me the truth?"

"Yes, I mean, I've had a couple of those, I won't deny it, but they are not the ones that scare me... at least not as much as the others do. I know it's over and I know I'm safe from Turghan but I'm afraid that there will be other planets where... I'm afraid that the next time I won't be so lucky. At first, after we just came back, I wasn't all that worried... not until I learned that it was something that had actually originated here on earth and that meant it was something we could reasonably expect to find on other planets."

"You've been researching this, haven't you?"

"A little," she admits.

"Which, knowing you, translates into a lot. Okay, can you give me a little more information as to what it was that Turghan wanted to do to you?"

"What for?"

"Just to get an idea of what we are dealing with here."

"It was a pharaonic," she says so softly that I can barely make out her words.

"It's okay to be scared, Sam. I mean, I would be. I can't even imagine..."

"Are you going to tell General Hammond about that?" she asks.

"I'm not sure. I may have to but I'll try to keep it clinical... I'll just use the word 'circumcision' and hope that he doesn't really know what I'm talking about."

"So you are going to give him the truth without the facts?"

"Basically. It's a gamble but I think that may be the way to go," I explain. "The way I see it if I were to keep something like this out of my report deliberately you could find yourself back where you started if this were ever to come out and I don't think that's a chance we should be taking --especially considering that this is supposed to be your one shot at coming clean-- but given the general's age and background it's not an issue he is likely to be particularly familiar with and with any luck he will downplay its significance... and I'll try to run interference if he tries to ask any questions."

"And what about MacKenzie?"

"**_If_** you promise not to shut me out I'll see what I can do about that but I'm not making any promises in that regard. If we are going to be playing the gender card with Dr. Warner then it shouldn't be too difficult to play it with MacKenzie as well... though the fact that you are comfortable with Daniel is bound to come out and that may make things a bit more difficult to explain, so I'm not so sure that's the way to go.

"I understand that these past few months have been very difficult for you but I think right now we need to focus on what you want to happen and see if there's any way to make it happen."

"I already told you. I want to remain a member of SG-1, I don't want to be forced to talk to MacKenzie if it can possibly be avoided, I'd rather have this whole thing kept out of the SGC's rumor mill and I want to make it perfectly clear that if anyone ever calls me a victim or a 'survivor' I fully intend to shove a staff weapon up their..."

"Sam!"

"Well, you know what I mean."

"Okay, so staying in SG-1 is your top priority... are you willing to pay for it by agreeing to talk to MacKenzie if the general insists?" I ask, even though I understand her reasons for wanting to avoid that particular scenario.

"I guess."

"Then I'll see what I can do... and I'll make sure the General knows about that staff weapon," I tease her.

"Janet!" she exclaims, and I can help but smile at the horrified look on her face.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, okay, this week's note is just to thank you for your reviews (yes, you heard that right, **_NO_** boring speeches). I'm glad to hear you liked the last chapter, especially because it was my first attempt at writing Janet and the truth is that I was a little worried about that. Anyway, that's it for this little note... well, that and a little reminder that I absolutely **_love_** reviews! 


	15. Chapter 15: The End of the Innocence

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 15: The End of the Innocence  
(Daniel's POV)

"So, how did it go?" I ask as soon as I open the door. I know this is it, this is where I'll find out if Janet is going to go along with us... and I am all too aware of the fact that if she doesn't Sam will almost certainly find herself in a world of hurt.

"As you said, she's doing reasonably well under the circumstances. There remain some problems that need to be addressed sooner rather than later, of course, especially the fact that she is having trouble sleeping, but the truth is that what caught me off-guard was what she was threatened with," she says, shaking her head.

"I know what you mean... when she told me... I kept hoping that she was talking about something else but..." I trail off.

"Tell me something, Daniel, as an archeologist and an anthropologist working at the SGC and knowing what you know about off-world civilizations, do you think that is something we are likely to encounter again? Is it something I as a doctor should prepare myself for the possibility of having to deal with in my infirmary... and I don't mean just as a threat but as a real medical condition? Is it possible that I may actually find myself having to deal with a woman who's been infibulated in my infirmary?" she asks.

"I wish I could tell you 'no' but the truth is that the answer to that question may well be 'yes'," I say, knowing that she deserves the truth. "From what I saw in Simarka, theirs was a culture that seemed to have evolved from a single Mongol tribe that was taken from our world a long time ago and due to their isolation their society showed very few signs of divergence from that original source... and yet what Turghan was threatening to do is something that can actually be traced back to Ancient Egypt. The way I see it that means that the practice must have a different origin, that it is something that was adopted **_after_** they were taken from our world, and as far as I can tell the most logical explanation for that has to do with the fact that the Shavadai and the other clans are in fact the descendants of a population that was taken there by the Goa'uld and that it was through that contact that those cultures acquired some Egyptian traditions. After all the Egyptians are by far the civilization that is most intimately associated with the Goa'uld in the first place."

"And seeing how it was the Goa'uld that were responsible for the existence of most extraterrestrial human cultures then it is only logical to assume that the inhabitants of Simarka were not the only ones who came in contact with that particular **_tradition_**, right?" she asks.

"Exactly, so the question then becomes more one of how many other cultures still follow that particular tradition... a tradition that, by the way, in some places here on earth is said to be intended to prevent the 'demons' from entering a woman's body."

"Are you suggesting that it's not just a tradition that may have reached some other cultures via the Goa'uld but rather something that may actually have evolved as a defense **_against_** them in the first place?"

"It's just a theory, one I had never really even considered before last night and one that might be wrong --after all, I don't think the Goa'uld are likely to have encouraged a practice that worked against them in the first place-- but it is a possibility we may have to contemplate," I admit. "The thing is that if that is the case then I wouldn't be surprised if the practice were to turn out to be fairly widespread."

"I won't lie to you, Daniel, I'm worried about that. I agree that pulling Sam from SG-1 would almost certainly be a very bad idea right now as far as she is concerned but at the same time I have to say even I am questioning the wisdom of having women out there under the circumstances. You do realize that something like that would be mostly irreversible and would undoubtedly have life-long consequences, don't you? The most I could hope to do as a doctor in a case like that would be to try to conceal the damage through plastic surgery but that is something that would only solve the cosmetic problem."

"I know," I say, "and I also know that that may just be the tip of the iceberg in terms of what we may encounter out there and you may want to be prepared for whatever else the gate may throw at you as a doctor."

"You call **_that_** the tip of the iceberg?" asks Janet, sounding utterly horrified.

"Okay, so maybe that wasn't the best way for me to phrase that but yes. I guess what I'm trying to say is that up until now your main concerns have been potential Goa'uld infections and alien diseases, especially those diseases that could possibly trigger a pandemic here on earth where the population would have no natural immunity against those pathogens," I explain before going on. "Now, don't get me wrong here, I understand **_why_** those scenarios have to take priority, after all, the Aztecs do provide us with a very graphic example of how a powerful empire can be all but destroyed by the introduction of an 'alien' disease into a vulnerable population. The thing is that even though those things have to take priority we should also have kept in mind that Goa'uld parasites and infectious diseases are just a token of the things we are likely to come across out there. Whether we like it or not human actions do pose their own kind of danger and **_that_** is one risk that we have been neglecting up until now.

"The fact is that cultural differences and alien traditions may well prove to be just as dangerous as anything else, at least as far as the individual team members are concerned. The problem is that there is just no way for us to anticipate all the different possible scenarios we may find, though I can almost promise you that quite a few of them won't be pretty. Let's face it, what we are encountering out there are the descendants of our own ancient civilizations and human history is **_not_** a pretty place. I know it's not a comforting thought but it is a fact. This incident between Sam and Turghan is just one example of what may be waiting for us out there. In fact in that regard the Goa'uld may well turn out to be the least of our problems," I warn her.

"What do you mean?" she asks.

"Let's take the consequences of Sam's beating at Turghan's hand as an example. Do you realize that he used a flogger that had been specifically designed **_not_** to scar her back because that would have caused **_his_** property to lose value?"

"That's insane!"

"It may seem insane from our perspective but not from his... and the truth is that Sam was lucky that that was the case, otherwise the consequences of that 'punishment' could have been far more devastating than they were," I remind her.

"Somehow that is **_not_** reassuring," says Janet, all but glaring at me.

"I know but luckily at least we got a warning here, a reminder of the fact that we really need to be more vigilant because **_our_** rules don't apply out there," I point out. "The thing is that in terms of torture there is a clear distinction between causing pain and causing damage... and when it comes to torture at least the Goa'uld's technology enables them to stimulate a person's nerve endings without harming the tissue at all. That means that they are in a position to cause massive amounts of pain without causing any damage at all and **_that_** is an unexpected blessing as far as our people are concerned. To the Goa'uld humans are little more than cattle and in a really twisted way that may serve to keep us safe. They see us as slaves or as potential hosts and even though they have no qualms about killing us, it serves no purpose for them to maim us. That means that as excruciatingly painful as a ribbon device can be --and in spite of the fact that it can actually kill under extreme circumstances-- for the most part its use has no long term consequences. With human cultures that won't usually be the case... and even when their goal is to inflict pain, for the most part their technology will not enable them to do that without inflicting **_some_** damage along the way. That's what I meant when I said that, at least in terms of physical torture, the Goa'uld are less likely to pose a threat than the less advanced human civilizations, where a certain level of damage to the victim is to be expected even under the best of circumstances."

"Okay, I'll try to keep that in mind and I'll see what I can do to make sure I'm ready to deal with whatever the universe decides to throw at me in terms of returning SG teams but getting back to Sam, any idea of what we are supposed to do about her?" she asks, bringing the conversation back to the source of our more immediate concern.

"Do you agree that ideally we should try to keep General Hammond from pulling her from SG-1?" I ask.

"Absolutely, the only problem is that I am also worried about whether or not by trying to protect her we may be putting other women at risk here," she says. "Sam has made clear what she wants and we should respect that but if we do as she wishes and handle this situation discreetly --which I agree is the way to go in **_her_** case-- we may well end up putting other female members of off-world teams at risk, women who may well have made a different choice if they had been given a chance, women who would have come to a different conclusion if they had been provided with the facts necessary to make an informed decision. That's what I'm worried about and I'm afraid the general is likely to feel the same way."

"Actually I do have an idea in that regard," I tell her, knowing that she does have a point about that.

"You do?" she asks, sounding rather surprised.

"Well, it's not a fully developed plan just yet, if that's what you are wondering," I warn her, "but I think we could simply come up with something that could enable them to get that information without really disclosing the source of that particular concern."

"But wouldn't it be obvious?"

"Not necessarily... at least not right now," I say. "It would have been obvious seven months ago, right after we returned from Simarka but now, with a little luck, we should be able to figure out a way to pull it off without making it all that apparent. The Simarka incident took place a long time ago and they may not connect it with any recommendations issued seven months later. All we would have to do is to explain the Egyptian connection, no need to mention Simarka, Sam or any of our off-world experiences at all. The hard part, however, may be figuring out how to get General Hammond to agree to go along with it in the first place."

"And that's still the big if... especially because I think that at least for the time being we would probably be better off minimizing the relevance of Turghan's threat," says Janet.

"Maybe we could minimize it at first, at least until the general comes to terms with the first part of this whole thing and then we could try to inform the other women of the SGC. So, any idea of what you are going to tell General Hammond about that?" I ask, knowing that we have to come to some sort of understanding here, otherwise we would be running the risk of contradicting each other and **_that_** is something we definitely can't afford.

"As I told Sam, I'll use the word 'circumcision' and hope he doesn't really know what I'm talking about. I mean, I deeply respect the general but he is a military man who is unlikely to be all that aware of what is essentially a woman's issue. Let's face it, in the eyes of the military FGM usually refers to a shoulder fired anti-tank missile!"

"You are kidding me, right?" I ask.

"I wish I were but I'm not. The _Dragon_'s designation was FGM-77 and the official name of its successor, the _Javelin_ --which only went into production a couple of years ago-- is actually FGM-148... so much for the military's awareness of human rights issues," she says, shaking her head. "The good news is that taking that as our guideline I think we can pretty much count on the general underestimating the seriousness of the situation, after all, he is likely to have a mental image of what a 'circumcision' entails that we can use to our advantage here. All we would have to do in that regard is to be careful **_not_** to set the record straight."

"Okay, so that should take care of at least part of the problem, that's the good news," I say. "The bad news is that I'm afraid that's going to be the easy part."

"What do you mean?" asks Janet.

"Well, even if we can get the general to underestimate the seriousness of Turghan's threat there is still the whole issue of telling him that Sam was raped, keeping him from having her reassigned and keeping him from ordering her to talk to MacKenzie," I remind her.

"I know."

"By the way, Sam did warn you about the fact that she's not willing to let Dr. Warner take the blame for her silence, didn't she?" I ask, knowing that that is something that could end up getting us all in trouble.

"**_What!_** Do you have any idea of how much harder that's going to make explaining her silence in the first place?"

"Believe me, I know, and I know it's not fair to you but it was the only way I could get her to agree to this in the first place. You know her, she'll take a major fall herself before she allows someone else to take a minor one on her behalf."

"I know but the whole explanation for her silence is based around the fact that Dr. Warner is a man so I don't see how am I supposed to keep the explanation intact **_without_** making it his fault somehow," growls Janet.

"Well, technically speaking the fact that he is a man is not exactly his fault, so that's not something he can be **_blamed _** for," I tell her, knowing that I'm walking a very fine line in that regard. "Still, if you can come up with some way to explain how he could possibly have failed to notice that there was something wrong from a medical perspective in the first place that would probably help. Anyway, if it makes you feel any better, I can tell you that you've got by far the best part of the deal here."

"What do you mean, Daniel?" she asks, sounding rather surprised.

"You **_just_** have to explain why even though Sam kept quiet because of Dr. Warner her silence wasn't entirely his fault, I have to explain why what Turghan did to her **_shouldn't_** be considered enemy activity in the first place... do you want to trade?"

"No, thanks, how are you planning on doing **_that_**?" asks Janet.

"With a lot of anthropological double talk, that's how, but even with that it's going to be a tough sale," I tell her.

"I imagine it will."

"Don't worry, as I said, I can handle it. The problem is that just as with explaining why the fact that this wasn't discovered from the very beginning **_wasn't_** Dr. Warner's fault, explaining why it **_wasn't_** enemy activity is not going to be the trickiest part of this whole thing," I remind her. "I'm afraid that the trickiest part for both of us is going to be trying to convince General Hammond to allow Sam to remain in SG-1 in the first place. Now, the way I see it, if you can cover the medical reasons why pulling Sam from the team would be a bad idea in terms of her recovery I think I can handle the anthropological reasons why keeping women out of off-world teams could easily backfire in terms of the SGC as a whole. I mean, after all we do have some ammo thanks to what happened when Hathor tried to take over the base a couple of weeks ago.

"That is something we can definitely use to our advantage here," I go on. "I was thinking of mentioning the possibility of an all male SG team running into a queen off-world. Let's face it, seeing how the GDO codes are our first line of defense that is a situation that could easily render that first line completely useless... and that is just from a tactical perspective. The thing is that seeing how Hathor's attack is probably pretty fresh in the general's mind I don't think that's a possibility he is likely to be willing to overlook. On top of that there's the fact that all male teams are unlikely to be effective if they were ever to come across a matriarchal society and that would basically make a female presence a must. That's another thing that we may want to keep in mind."

"Okay, that's part of it... and the fact that Sam has requested to remain a member of SG-1 **_after_** what happened in Simarka is probably something else that the general is going to be willing to take into account," says Janet before going on. "The problem is what's going to happen if the general decides to go through MacKenzie. Somehow I fear that he could do a lot of damage and Sam has made it pretty clear that it's not something she's looking forward to."

"Any ideas on how you are going to handle that particular problem?" I ask, knowing that it is a medical issue and therefore it is going to be up to Janet to handle it in the first place.

"I'm not entirely sure. I got her to agree to the fact that she may have to see him in order to remain a member of SG-1 but I still hope I will be able to talk General Hammond out of it," she explains.

"How?"

"By using the gender card among other things but I'd rather not go into those in detail," she tells me. "The truth is that while it is important for us to present a unified front when we talk to General Hammond we **_have_** to approach him from different perspectives and I don't want us to come in sounding like we've rehearsed every last detail of what we are going to say. I don't mean that we should try to hide the fact that we've talked things through from him but..."

"But you feel that too much agreement between us might cause the general to feel he is being played and react accordingly?" I ask.

"Exactly."

"So, how much of what we've talked about here are we going to be sharing with the general?"

"I think the way to go would be once again to fill him in on the generalities but not the details," she says. "It would probably be safe for us to leave it at the fact that you talked to Sam and got her to agree to talk to me. After that we shared our professional opinions, came to an agreement and informed him as soon as we could. There's nothing there that should raise any eyebrows, not really. It would also mean that we aren't so much going in there with a battleplan but rather with an agreement on some basic facts based on the information we have from our respective fields. I know MacKenzie remains a bit of a threat but in spite of that I'm fairly comfortable that I can neutralize him without too much trouble, at least for now. Luckily he is technically under my 'command', the problem is that I fear that the general may decide to bring him up to speed on what's going on and, even if I can keep him away from Sam for the time being, **_that_** could turn into a bit of a problem at a later date if he is not happy with that particular decision."

"How so?" I ask, more than a little worried.

"Mandatory evaluations." she says. "Dr. MacKenzie is a proud man and even though I can probably talk the general out of forcing Sam to talk to him, he could really give her hell in those if he takes offense at the fact that her case **_wasn't_** referred to him in the first place. Sure if he gets too out of line she'd be able to fight back and request a second opinion but it wouldn't be pretty."

"And with a classified project with a limited personnel such as the SGC where is she going to get that second opinion from in the first place, right?" I add, seeing where she's going and not liking it in the least.

"Exactly. We have **_one_** staff psychologist working with us at the mountain with the necessary clearance and who knows about the existence of the stargate, that's all. That's one of the elements that is serving to complicate the current situation in the first place and it is one that may also come back to haunt us later. Let's face it, for Sam to be able to request a second opinion it would first be necessary for her to request a second psychologist and getting that approved won't be easy."

"In other words, this situation is far messier than I had originally anticipated due to the ridiculous amounts of red tape we have to contend with?" I ask with a sinking feeling.

"I'm afraid so. Our choices are very limited. That is one of the things I suspect contributed to Sam's decision to keep quiet in the first place and I'm afraid that up to a point her fears may have been justified."

"So what you are saying is that I may not have been doing her a favor when I pushed her to come forward?" I ask, feeling rather guilty.

"I'm not sure. As you said, the stress was beginning to get to her so I'm not sure how sustainable her previous position really was, but the truth is that things probably won't be getting any easier for her any time soon and she's really going to need you to be there for her."

"Whatever it takes," I promise, knowing that I'm the one who got Sam into this mess and determined to do whatever is necessary to get her out of it.

I don't realize until long after Janet is gone that she said 'she's going to need **_you_**', not 'she's going to need **_us_**'... and somehow I suspect that that little pronoun is going to come back to haunt me.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, okay, first of all thanks for the reviews, I really appreciate them. Also, I wanted to apologize for a rather dry chapter. I know it's not exactly a lot of fun but I'm afraid it was a necessary evil. Sorry about that.

Alec


	16. Chapter 16: When Everything Falls Into P

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 16: When Everything Falls Into Place  
(Janet's POV)

I'm heading for the mountain, still trying to sort out the mess that Sam and Daniel dumped on me. I know it's not fair to think of it in those terms and I know that Daniel's solution is probably our best bet to keep Sam out of trouble but that doesn't mean I have to like it... I don't like it at all... and I don't just mean the fact that I'm the one who gets to explain things to General Hammond. I understand why I'm the logical choice for that as the base's CMO but I'm certainly not looking forward to it. Still, that's not my main concern right now.

My main concern has to do with Sam and with the fact that I'm not sure of what to do here, it has to do with the fact that I'm not sure whether or not what I'm about to do is really in her best interest. I understand why she is adamant that she doesn't want to have to talk to MacKenzie and I agree that he is probably not the best option to help her come to terms with any of this but the problem is that there is no one else with anything remotely resembling the appropriate credentials working at the base. That means that by going along with her explicit request to avoid MacKenzie I am also going to have to go along with her tacit request to forego counseling altogether and I'm not entirely convinced that **_that_** is such a good idea... not right now.

The thing is that even though Sam seems to be very much herself, I have no choice but to acknowledge that I can't really be sure of whether or not that is the case due to the fact that I don't have a valid reference in that regard and that is something that is definitely complicating matters. The truth is that even though Sam and I are good friends now, I only met her when I was first assigned to the mountain and that was **_after_** the mission to Simarka... and on top of that there's the fact that ours wasn't a friendship that grew overnight.

Sure, we connected at some level from the very beginning and now she is one of my closest friends not just at the base but anywhere but that doesn't change the fact that our friendship didn't really develop until the past few weeks. We may have been drawn to each other from the moment we met but the fact remains that we didn't really become good friends until we were forced to work side by side to stop Hathor first and then when we were struggling to save Cassandra's life. Those were the two incidents that truly helped cement our friendship and they both took place within the last month or so... and that brings me to the question, do I really know her well enough to risk her well-being by going along with her on this one?

The thing is that as a doctor I can say that based on the way in which she's been performing her duties ever since I met her I'm fairly confident that she is not about to fall apart and that with a good support system she can probably manage... **_probably_**. I can also say that while going along with her would lead to a situation that would be far from an ideal scenario, I have no choice but to acknowledge that the alternative would be even worse. On top of that there remains the fact that, as unpleasant as it may be, the situation in which Sam would find herself if she were to forego counseling altogether wouldn't exactly be what I would describe as unique or extraordinary.

I am not naive, I know that in spite of what we are told is the ideal approach to dealing with cases such as this the fact is that rape is a crime that remains severely underreported and that means that a sizable number of victims **_don't_** get the help they supposedly need. I also know that rape is a lot older than our approach to dealing with it. Up until a few years ago it was seen as a dirty secret most women carried to their graves and most of those women managed to go on with their lives. In fact sometimes I can't help but wonder if our modern approach isn't doing more harm than good by blowing the impact out of proportion, by convincing the victims that they **_are_** victims and giving too many of them an excuse to wallow in self-pity for the rest of their lives... not that that is much of an issue here. I can't even begin to imagine Sam wallowing in self-pity, that's not her style.

In that regard Sam was probably right when she pointed out that Simarka was a lesson in perspective and that, when faced with the threat of being circumcised being raped suddenly didn't seem like such a big deal. The problem is that according to Daniel FGM is something I may end up encountering as a doctor while working at the SGC, which brings me straight to my other major problem.

I can't deny that when Sam mentioned Turghan's threat I was horrified. I had read a little about the situation in Africa and I was somewhat familiar with the subject going in but I have to admit that I had never given it much thought. Up until today it had always seemed so alien, so inconceivable... except I forgot that at the SGC alien and inconceivable is exactly what we deal with on a daily basis... alien with a strong Egyptian flavor to be accurate so maybe the term 'pharaonic' should have set off some alarms **_way_** before now.

The thing is that even though I understand Daniel's reasoning, even though I understand his concerns, I can't help but hope he's wrong about what we may encounter out there, I can't help but hope that Simarka was an aberration in that regard. Of course I also know he is probably right no matter **_what_** I'd like to believe and that means I'm going to have to hit the books. It means that I'm going to have to try to learn as much as I can about what I can possibly do if I were to find myself dealing with a case in which FGM isn't just a threat... and then I'm going to have to pray that I never need that knowledge.

This is definitely **_not_** what I thought I might be dealing with when I joined the SGC a few months ago. Back then I was told it was a small classified operation that would almost certainly put me in touch with a number of medical mysteries that went beyond anything I could possibly have imagined. The position has certainly lived up to the expectations I had at the time and then some but at times such as this I'm not so sure that is a good thing. At times I feel like I'm so out of my depth that it's not even funny any more but there's no way I'd ever give it up.

I remember my first few days at the base, when we were dealing with that illness SG-1 brought back from P3X-797. Back then it seemed like each week we had a new threat to guard against and in a way that is still the case. Even now we keep having to add new procedures to the post-mission check ups on a regular basis while at the same time we try to maintain them as a reasonably efficient procedure that can be carried out in a matter of minutes rather than hours or days. That hasn't been an easy balance for us to maintain and it is now apparent that some incidents **_have_** fallen through the cracks as a result.

It is true that a team member being raped during a mission is not a situation that is likely to compromise the base's security measures and those are the sort of situations the post-mission check ups are intended to identify, but that doesn't mean that the fact that this went unnoticed for seven months is an acceptable failure. Yes, security is our top priority and we live in fear of the day in which an SG team will come back with a disease that has an incubation period of months or years, one that won't be detected until it's way too late to save this world, but we also have a responsibility to our personnel and that's where we dropped the ball... badly.

The point is that while I can understand how a new threat we had never even considered before, such as a bomb in a little girl's chest, can slip by unnoticed until it is almost too late, in this case the problem was all too obvious and it was something that should have been foreseen. It is true that our failure didn't compromise the base's safety but that doesn't change the fact that it did compromise Sam's well-being and left her with no choice but to have to deal with a ton of added stress on her own. Of course, the fact that this case fell through the cracks may well have been the one thing that enabled her to remain a member of SG-1 and in that regard it may actually have been a blessing in disguise.

I shake my head at that thought. Even I can tell that I'm rationalizing the situation here. This is not about the procedures that are or are not in place at the infirmary, or at least it's not mostly about that. This is about the fact that right now I am in a really awkward position, a position in which I have no choice but to try to strike a very delicate balance between being the base's CMO and being one of Sam's closest friends. It is not an entirely unexpected situation, in fact it is a kind of situation I have been dreading for a while but this particular case does have an emotional baggage that makes it particularly difficult to deal with. Under normal circumstances I would say that my responsibility as a doctor has to take precedence over my responsibility as a friend, the problem is that this time around it's not quite so simple, it is not a matter of being one **_or_** the other. I am all too aware that if Sam is going to make it out of this one she is going to need both the doctor **_and_** the friend... and **_that_** is yet another issue I have to deal with here.

I am well aware that I'm supposed to maintain a professional distance when dealing with my patients, that's pre-med 101, but the problem is that at a place like the SGC that is easier said than done. Professional distance is a concept that works well in a large hospital where patients can remain more or less anonymous, referred to by their case numbers rather than by their names for the most part and where you know they are strangers you will never meet again. It is also an approach that works well in large military hospitals. It is a concept that works to a lesser degree in a private practice where the physician's only contact with the patient is connected to whatever medical care is required but when it comes to small communities that approach ceases to be practical... and in a way the SGC **_is_** a small community, a particularly isolated one that exists in a converted silo.

The fact is that not only is the SGC a small command with relatively few people involved but it is also an operation that is highly classified. That means that the few of us who are **_in_** on the big secret are naturally inclined to spend time with those who actually know what we do, with those with whom we don't have to worry about half-believable cover stories. The down side is that that has also led to a situation in which the medical personnel interacts with non-medical personnel far more often than is the norm within the military. We all see ourselves as SGC personnel first. We have a common goal, a common enemy and we are **_all_** in the front lines. That means that the infirmary is not isolated and that our role as medical personnel all too often becomes secondary to our role as SGC personnel... and even under those unusual circumstances my friendship with Sam is a special case.

In the months since I've been here we've become close friends, especially in the past few weeks. First we were forced to work side by side when Hathor took over the base and then Sam did what she did for Cassandra and that is a debt I can never repay, not really.

The thing is that thinking back to what happened when Hathor took over the base I can't help but kick myself for not realizing that there was something wrong with that picture. Yes, what I was suggesting to get us out of that cell was far from pleasant but I should have recognized the fact that Sam's reaction was somewhat excessive, that it was out of character. I realized even then that she was too uncomfortable with the idea of what we had to do but we had so much on our minds at the time that I didn't really pay much attention to what should have been a red flag and then I just forgot about it. As far as excuses go I have to say that that's a poor one.

Sure, the whole mess with Simarka happened before I came on board and it fell through the cracks due to a number of unfortunate circumstances --not the least of which was the fact that a male surgeon had been left in charge after the death of the base's original CMO at Kawalski's hands-- but that does nothing to change the fact that we are going to have to find a way to deal with the aftermath and I'm not entirely sure of what to do here.

I know that this whole thing went down months ago and I know that Sam's been doing her job without any serious problems ever since, that is a fact, but I also know that the next couple of weeks are going to be critical and because of that I really need some sort of strategy here. I need something I can tell General Hammond and I also need a course of action that will provide Sam with at least some of the support she should have received months ago while making sure that I **_don't_** cause her to be replaced as a member of SG-1 and that she **_doesn't_** end up being forced to talk to MacKenzie.

The thing is that in a way Sam was probably right when she decided to keep quiet for fear that the military's male mentality would try to 'protect her' by keeping her from doing what she loves most. To this day it is not so much the fear that women will be killed as the fear that they will be captured and raped that keeps regulations in the books that are intended to restrict the duties they can be assigned to within the military, though those restrictions are gradually being relaxed.

Of course, those regulations also mean that even if we can get General Hammond on our corner there may be someone higher up in the chain of command who could override his decision if this situation were to become known and that means that we may well end up having to fight this one on two fronts.

In other words, the first thing we are going to have to do is to get General Hammond to agree to allow Sam to remain a member of SG-1. I know I can count on Daniel to help me with that one though at the same time I will need a list of medical reasons why Sam should stay right where she is... and to get that list across I may well find myself having to play a little hardball. The second thing we are going to have to do is to do everything within our power to make sure that the information concerning the specifics of what happened in Simarka is as contained as can be, the only problem is that that is something that can easily backfire. Yes, keeping the information contained is going to be necessary to protect Sam both from the pity and from any possible misguided attempts to 'keep her safe', unfortunately by doing that we may also be leaving other female members of off-world teams at risk and I'm not sure that's **_not_** a decision that won't come back to haunt us.

I know Daniel said he will take care of that **_somehow_** but I'm still far from comfortable with the idea of leaving it at that. Do I even have to say that I don't have the first clue as to how to untangle this one, of how to balance the different aspects of this particular mess?

The problem is that I'm fast running out of time to sort things out and I know it. I have less than ten minutes before I reach the mountain and that means that I have less than ten minutes to come up with something I can tell the general, to come up with a plan to help Sam out of this one... and probably to figure out something to end world hunger while I'm at it.

To go about this whole thing logically I know I have to tackle Sam's situation first and based on that I have to figure out what am I supposed to say to General Hammond about any of this. As for Sam, the problem is that while I know she's doing reasonably well I also know she's not really doing 'fine'. I am all too aware that Sam has a tendency to rationalize things and that means that measuring the emotional impact of something like this is not an easy thing to do... and to make matters worse, this time around I'm fairly certain that there's also an element of denial to her reaction. That brings me back to my other major problem in helping her deal with this situation: MacKenzie... or rather the question of how to avoid him.

That is one area in which we have a problem at the SGC and the truth is that it is a problem that should have been dealt with months ago. There are too many traumatic things that are witnessed and experienced by SG teams on a regular basis but in spite of that we don't have anything remotely resembling the appropriate staff to deal with those situations at the base. It is true that having that kind of specialist assigned full time to a project of this size is not SOP but the fact remains that the SGC is not just any old command. We are dealing with a very unique set of circumstances, one for which our personnel is not really prepared, and that situation is made even worse by the fact that on top of the traumatic events that are all but unavoidable when traveling to different planets there is also a need for secrecy. That need for secrecy means that our staff can't seek help elsewhere... and that is one of the things that is serving to make Sam's situation so complicated in the first place.

The thing is that even though right now she may be the most obvious example of a situation that was bound to happen sooner or later, the truth is that she is far from being the only one. There are quite a few individuals I would have ordered into counseling if we actually had a reliable counselor, the problem is that we don't and that brings me back once again to the question of what am I supposed to do about Sam now. The problem is that I need something I can do and I keep running into things I **_can't_** do instead. I agree with her that MacKenzie is not an option but at the same time I don't believe she should be left to her own devices and that means that helping her is probably going to be up to me and Daniel. The thing is that while we both care for her a great deal and we are both willing to do everything within our power to help her, I am all too aware that this is **_not_** a drill and neither one of us has the necessary background and training to deal with something of this magnitude.

Okay, so this whole situation is clearly going to require a creative solution, I can handle that... I think. All I have to do is to treat this as some sort of medical mystery that was dropped on my lap via the stargate. I've identified the problem and I know what I can't do, I know I can't refer Sam to MacKenzie, even if that should be the standard procedure under the circumstances. The next step would be to figure out whether or not my gut reactions are getting in the way of finding some sort of solution to this situation. The answer to that question is not so obvious, though I have to admit that chances are that Sam and I are seeing this whole thing from different points in time and that is something that may well be coloring my own perceptions.

For me it's news and my natural reaction is to treat this as a new development, that's where my sense of urgency comes from, but the mission to Simarka took place seven months ago... that means that maybe my sense of urgency is exacerbated and does not really reflect the current situation. That may mean I have a bit more leeway than my gut reaction would seem to suggest and that would definitely be a good thing.

In other words, recapping my real options here, the fact is that in the absence of a qualified therapist that can help her cope with this situation what Sam is going to need is someone she can trust, someone she can talk to... and I am all too aware that even under normal circumstances that is a problem for her. She doesn't trust easily and getting her to drop her military facade is all but impossible. Luckily the person who would seem like the natural choice in that regard is also someone who is already aware of the current situation: Daniel... and if Daniel is the person she talks to that would hopefully provide me with an answer to another problem I've been trying to sort out lately, one I freely admit I've devoted far less thought to than I should. The point is that oddly enough I think in the end this will probably work out just fine. I know what we are dealing with here is still far from an ideal situation, I know that there's no way that what happened to Sam could possibly be described as **_ideal_**, but I think it is a situation we can actually handle. All I have to do now is to convince the general of that fact... and even that may just have gotten a whole lot easier. I know what I have to say now, I know how am I supposed to approach this and that is making all the difference in the world. Shaking my head I relax for the first time since my conversation with Daniel early this morning.

It's strange how sometimes when you can grasp one end of a problem that seemed like such an impossible maze all of a sudden everything else just falls into place.

* * *

**_Author's note_**: Hi guys, as usual I would really like to thank you for your support, I know this is not exactly a **_fun_** story but it is one I really wanted to try my hand at and I really appreciate you sticking with it, even when it seems a little slow. I know the past couple of chapters have been kind of convoluted and I know this one sounds a bit reiterative at times but I sort of felt it was necessary, anyway, with a little luck things should be about to start moving forward now.

Well, thanks again for your support, as usual the next chapter should be posted next week. Take care,

Alec


	17. Chapter 17: Fly Like a Butterfly, Sting

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1_**

Chapter 17: Fly Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bee  
(Janet's POV)

"So, doctor, what was it that you wanted to tell me?" asks General Hammond as soon as I set foot in his office.

"Well, sir, there's no easy way to say this but apparently Captain Carter was raped in Simarka seven months ago," I blurt out, knowing that there's no point in trying to put it off, knowing that no matter how I phrase it the news is not going to get any less unpleasant.

"How certain are you of this 'apparently'?"

"Unfortunately about one hundred percent, sir. Basically, she told me," I admit.

"And why am I just hearing about this now?"

"Because the captain kept the information to herself, sir. I only found out about it this morning."

"What do we know?"

"Well, from what she's told me the events unfolded pretty much as she stated in her original report, however she did leave out the fact that once Turghan was done beating her, he raped her and then issued some additional threats," I say before going on. "The events that led up to that point and the events that followed afterwards apparently took place just as she had originally described them."

"What kind of threats are we talking about here?"

"He basically threatened to have her circumcised but luckily her team got to her before that particular threat could be carried out," I explain.

"Circumcised? How the hell do you circumcise a woman?" he asks. Okay, the good news is that, just as I had hoped, he **_doesn't_** know what I'm talking about, the bad news is that now I have to keep him from asking too many questions and I'm not sure how to do that.

"Believe me, sir, you don't want to know," I say, trying to divert his attention from that particular issue. "The thing is that Captain Carter was upset enough when I talked to her and I didn't think the time was right for me to be pushing her for any additional details. I just asked her the basic questions necessary to get a general idea of what had happened and how she is coping."

"How could something like this have gone unnoticed for this long?" he asks and I can see that he is not happy about that... not that I blame him.

"Well, sir, from what I've read about the incident it wasn't just one thing, there were a number of contributing factors. First of all there's the fact that she didn't tell anyone about any of her injuries at the time. In fact, if I remember correctly, the other members of SG-1 were more than a little shocked when they learned she had been badly beaten after their return... especially considering how, in spite of her injuries, she had somehow managed to defeat Turghan in hand to hand combat. In addition to that I'm afraid that the fact that Dr. Warner had been left temporarily in charge of the infirmary in the aftermath of Dr. Nimzicki's death also contributed to the problem."

"How so?"

"Please remember that Dr. Warner is a surgeon and that means that diagnosing a problem is not usually up to him, sir," I explain. "For the most part surgeons treat patients **_after_** the initial diagnosis has been made and as a result Dr. Warner simply found himself trying to cope as best he could with a difficult situation he wasn't really trained to handle. That means that he almost certainly overlooked some clues, some telltale signs that would have been deemed significant by a doctor with more experience when it comes to diagnosing a problem in the first place."

"What kind of clues, doctor?" he pushes.

"I'm thinking mostly in terms of bruising patterns that were almost certainly there but weren't even mentioned in Dr. Warner's report, sir, but that is only half the problem. The thing is that even though chances are that there were some clues that were overlooked because of Dr. Warner's training that is only part of the story. I believe that the other major contributing factor to the way in which this whole situation unfolded had to do with the fact that upon her arrival at the SGC Captain Carter panicked at the thought of having him examine her. She was uncomfortable, traumatized and running on instinct, he didn't have the training to recognize what he was dealing with and then those two aspects were combined to create a major problem. The thing is that once those two elements were combined the situation just snowballed from there because Captain Carter was worried about what would happen if she were to come clean after she had concealed what had happened in the first place."

"Well, she should damned well be worried, this is pretty serious stuff! It should have been reported immediately, not concealed for seven months!" he growls and I know I'm going to have to tread carefully if I don't want to get Sam in trouble here.

"With all due respect, sir, I don't think it's fair to blame Captain Carter. It wasn't her fault, at least not entirely. Yes, ideally she should have said something as soon as she came back but the fact is that the conditions here at the SGC were not exactly appropriate for her to come forward and the timing of the whole incident couldn't possibly have been worse. This all went down at a time when the infirmary was basically in disarray following Dr. Nimzicki's death. It is true that the fact that Dr. Warner is a surgeon contributed to this whole situation going unnoticed but it is more complicated than that. You also have to keep in mind that, according to the logs, there was a single female nurse on duty when SG-1 came back from Simarka and there were no female doctors. For Captain Carter to be reluctant to allow a man to examine her under the circumstances was not an entirely unexpected reaction and the almost total absence of female personnel was not Dr. Warner's fault, it was just a really unlucky coincidence. As for the fact that she didn't feel comfortable saying anything about what had happened, well, that was a problem that would have been encountered by **_any_** male doctor, regardless of his training," I say before going on.

"Now, getting into 'what if' territory, it is true that if the doctor in charge at the time **_hadn't_** been a surgeon then maybe he would have recognized the signs that something was seriously wrong and he would have tried to create a more appropriate environment for her to come forward, especially once it became apparent that she had been concealing some fairly extensive injuries in the first place. I'm not denying that, nor am I denying that maybe Dr. Warner should have realized that sexual assault was a very real possibility when he found himself dealing with a woman who had actually been sold to a warlord. **_Maybe_** another doctor **_would_** have considered that possibility and he would have tried to create the necessary conditions to enable Captain Carter to come forward but that is pure speculation. The thing is that Dr. Warner was the one in charge and he didn't even think about it. He didn't think about it simply because his training hadn't prepared him to recognize what was right in front of him. The point is that he didn't do anything **_wrong_**, not really. That this situation went undetected for so long was merely the result of an unfortunate series of circumstances, not the product of either negligence or a mistake."

"What are you saying here, doctor?" asks the general.

"I'm saying that I honestly believe that Dr. Warner did the best he could with the information he had available at the time, sir. Besides this is not about finding someone to blame. The truth is that this all went down at a time when the SGC was still in the process of getting organized and we were merely caught off guard by a situation we had failed to anticipate. I am well aware that the fight against the Goa'uld was dropped on our laps and in those early days the conditions at the infirmary were not the best for Captain Carter to come forward, it is as simple as that. Back then there was only a skeleton medical crew and they were doing their best to get organized while they were basically under attack... not to mention that there was no one really in charge. The thing is that what we need right now is not so much to figure out who's responsible for what happened seven months ago but rather to find a way to sort this out and to help Captain Carter deal with the aftermath of this incident."

"Yes, well, the fact that it is understandable doesn't change the fact that her sudden decision to come forward presents a bit of a problem," growls General Hammond, still sounding far from happy and I barely manage to keep myself from sighing.

"Um, well, I wouldn't say that she decided to come forward, not really, sir," I reluctantly admit.

"What do you mean, doctor?"

"What I mean is that it was Dr. Jackson who figured out that there was something bothering her in the first place and pushed her to talk about it and then he insisted that she tell me and, well, now here I am, sir," I explain. "I know it is not a pleasant situation but I don't think we can sweep it under the rug either, especially considering that it is a situation that could become a problem somewhere down the road."

"So what are we supposed to do?" he asks.

"Well, sir, that's where things get complicated..."

"'**_Get complicated_**'?" he interrupts. "How much more complicated can they get and how do you intend to handle this?"

"The truth is that from a medical perspective there's nothing left for me to do, not really, sir... not seven months after the facts. As for other measures, I'm afraid it's not so simple. You see, while there is a very well defined follow-up procedure for this kind of cases in the medical field, given the nature of the incident and of the work we do here at the SGC that 'follow-up procedure' is basically out the window."

"How so, doctor?"

"Well, sir, ideally Captain Carter should be encouraged to talk to a rape counselor and seek some sort of ongoing therapy to help her deal with the aftermath of what's happened. Unfortunately due to the classified nature of the work we do here, her choice of counselor is rather limited and that is a problem. Basically for her to get some sort of counseling she would have to be referred to Dr. MacKenzie and, with all due respect, sir, that would be akin to referring someone with a brain tumor to an orthopedist. Dr. MacKenzie is a psychiatrist with a specialty in psychopathology and I'm afraid that he could easily end up doing more harm than good under the circumstances. What Captain Carter needs is someone she can trust, someone who can help her work through a deep emotional trauma and Dr. MacKenzie isn't it. To make matters worse, another key component of a traditional approach when it comes to dealing with rape cases is some sort of group therapy, which would ideally supplement the victim's own support system. The thing is that once again that is not an option in this case because there are too many aspects to this incident that are classified, starting with the fact that the rape itself actually happened on a different planet."

"Could we bring in a specialist to help us deal with this particular situation?"

"Other than a proctologist, you mean?" I can't help but ask, shaking my head.

"Why on earth would we need a proctologist to deal with this?" asks the general.

"Well, sir, Captain Carter did warn me that we would need one to remove a staff weapon from the anatomy of anyone who dares to call her either a victim or a survivor... and I'm not entirely sure she **_wasn't_** serious," I explain.

"I meant a counselor, doctor, I think you know that," he growls.

"I know, sir, the problem is that there's no way to bring a rape counselor on board without the rape itself becoming public knowledge and that would create an awkward environment that once again could easily backfire," I explain. "In fact I think the captain's comment with regard to that staff weapon **_is_** a significant sign of how she feels and it does indicate that she is worried about how others are going to react to this information. Unfortunately I suspect her concerns are well founded and I definitely think that this is something that should be handled as discreetly as possible. Believe me,sir, I've been giving this situation a lot of thought and the fact is that we have very few choices available to us and the ones we have are not particularly good."

"So what do you suggest we do now?"

"Well, sir, the first thing we have to do is to remember that this whole thing happened seven months ago and that right now Captain Carter seems to be doing reasonably well. There are some problems but those are to be expected and, surprisingly, so far her performance hasn't really suffered as a result of any of this. She insists that she is coping, she is not particularly keen on the idea of being forced to seek counseling and the truth is that it would be very difficult for **_anyone_** to work with her if she refuses to cooperate. In other words, ordering her to talk to MacKenzie is **_not_** an option, at least not a viable one, however I think we may be able to turn her refusal to our advantage somehow."

"Turn it to our advantage?" asks the general.

"Yes, sir. I was thinking that maybe we could allow her **_not_** to see MacKenzie as long as she cooperates with me fully," I explain. "I know it's not my field, I know I'm out of my depth here but unfortunately we don't really have that many options available to us and that may well be the best we can do with what we've got. If that doesn't work I think plan B would be to see about the possibility of bringing in a grief and trauma counselor with some experience in dealing with sexual assault cases. It wouldn't be the same as having her see a specialist but at least it could probably be explained away without too much trouble and without this situation becoming public knowledge. In fact I think in the long run a trauma counselor would probably be a valuable and necessary addition to the SGC regardless of what happens with Captain Carter because we are bound to need it sooner rather than later and the truth is that we can't keep relying on Dr. MacKenzie to perform that particular duty. Let's face it, his job is supposed to be to look for psychological side effects to gate travel, not to be the base's counselor. Anyway, getting back to the more immediate problem of how to handle the situation with Captain Carter, I know that getting someone else assigned to the base is not something that can be done overnight so that is not an option, at least not in the short term. Right now we have no choice but to make do with the resources available to us and unfortunately those leave much to be desired. The point is that I really don't want to send her to MacKenzie unless the situation is truly desperate. Besides, if Captain Carter had a problem with Dr. Warner because of his gender then I suspect that Dr. MacKenzie would probably be faced with a similar obstacle."

"You said she's doing reasonably well but that there are some problems, could you elaborate on that? How serious are we talking about here?" asks the general, basically disregarding most of my speech about a possible plan B and somehow I get the feeling that that's **_not_** a good sign... not when there are some things I'd rather have him **_not_** notice.

"Well, sir, she is having trouble sleeping --which is to be expected-- and there are some signs that seem to indicate that that situation may be getting out of control. In fact she seems to be going through what could be described as the early stages of an anxiety disorder and that is where we could be about to run into trouble," I explain.

"What kind of trouble, doctor?" he pushes.

"Namely the fact that she is trying to avoid sleep for fear of dreaming, sir," I say. "Even though that is not uncommon in this kind of cases it **_is_** something that can be the first sign of a situation that could potentially escalate and become a major issue somewhere down the line. It is not crippling, at least not right now, but it is a situation I'd like to keep an eye on just to be on the safe side. In addition to that she's made a couple of comments that would seem to suggest that she may be blaming herself to some extent for what happened. I'm not entirely sure of just how serious that particular problem is, after all, all I have so far are my first impressions but still, for the time being I'd like to ask you to put SG-1 on stand down for two weeks."

"Two weeks?"

"Yes, sir, though that may have to be extended. The thing is that even though Captain Carter has been performing her duties without incident for the past seven months, I am somewhat concerned as to how she is going to react now that she is no longer keeping this a secret. The way I see it there are two ways in which this situation could play itself out over the next few days. Ideally the fact that she no longer has to worry about the truth coming out will provide her with some measure of relief and that will make things better for her however..."

"However what, doctor?" prods the general when I trail off.

"However there is a possibility that the need to maintain that facade has been the only thing that has been enabling her to keep herself together in the first place," I admit. "If that is the case then the fact that she no longer has to worry about keeping this a secret could cause that facade to crumble and she could find herself spiraling out of control as a result."

"**_What?_**" he exclaims.

"I don't think that's what's going to happen here," I reassure him. "Knowing Captain Carter I wouldn't describe that as the most likely scenario but the truth is that I can't really rule it out either, not entirely. Anyway, as I said, for the time being I don't think she should be **_forced_** to seek counseling, however I fully intend to prescribe her a friend and..."

"Prescribe her a friend?" he interrupts.

"Yes, sir. Dr. Jackson would be my first choice in that regard," I say. "He knows what's going on, he knows her well enough to notice any sudden changes, she trusts him and the fact that he is not a member of the military means that he doesn't expect her to act like a soldier, which is definitely a good thing under the circumstances. Right now my top priority is Sam Carter... I'm afraid that Captain Carter will just have to wait."

"Aren't they the same person?" asks the general, sounding rather confused.

"Yes and no, sir. You may want to think of her as a two storey building. First there was Sam Carter and then Captain Carter was added on top of that foundation **_after_** she joined the military. Now, when you have a two storey building that has sustained some structural damage you must always secure the lower level first and make your way up from there. Simply put, the first floor can survive without the second but if the lower level collapses then the second is automatically doomed. In a way what we are dealing with here is a similar situation. That's why I say that Captain Carter is going to have to wait while we make sure Sam Carter makes it out of this one in one piece... and that is yet another reason why I suspect that, in spite of the fact that he is an archeologist, Dr. Jackson may turn out to be a better option than a psychologist who is officially affiliated to the military in this particular case."

"I see."

"Anyway, regardless of all that, right now my top priority is to make sure that Captain Carter has as much support as she needs and that includes the fact that I don't want her staying on her own, at least not for the time being. Right now my top priority is to see what I can do about getting her comfortable with the idea of sleeping again, that's the first issue on the agenda because adding exhaustion to the list of problems we are dealing with wouldn't exactly help matters. The thing is that she's made it clear that that problem is worse when she is alone. She says that she doesn't have a problem sleeping while off-world, when she is surrounded by her team, nor did she have a problem last night when Dr. Jackson insisted that she stay at his place. I am hoping that that may be the key to helping her get over that particular problem."

"Isn't that a rather unconventional approach?"

"Yes, sir, but it may also be our best bet here. I know that drugs would seem an easier and more practical solution, at least in the short term, but I'm reluctant to prescribe anything to help Captain Carter cope with any of this. Not under the circumstances and not if it can possibly be avoided."

"Why not?"

"Well, there are a couple of reasons. First of all I am all too aware that we can't have a member of an off-world team relying on sleeping pills, not when that could hamper her reactions in the field, so they could only be used short term to mask the problem. They wouldn't really solve it and as soon as she went back to active duty we would find ourselves back where we started... and that would be in the best of cases. On top of that there's the fact that prescribing any sort of medication right now to help her deal with this situation would be too dangerous so I'd rather avoid it unless it becomes absolutely necessary."

"Dangerous?" he asks.

"Yes, sir. The simple fact is that women who have been raped have a statistical risk of becoming addicted to drugs that is significantly higher than the average. That means that Captain Carter is at risk and I have to be very careful **_not_** to prescribe her something that could unwittingly be turned into a crutch here... especially not when there is an alternative. That's where Daniel comes in," I explain before going on.

"Last night, after her talk with Dr. Jackson, she stayed at his place and apparently knowing that she **_wouldn't_** be alone with her ghosts should she wake up in the middle of the night made a significant difference. Last night she didn't **_need_** a friend to be there but at the same time she didn't have to worry about what would have happened if things got bad enough that she actually did, and that in turn enabled her to relax in a way she hadn't been able to do in the past seven months. That's why I'm speaking in terms of prescribing her a friend as a safer alternative to prescribing some sort of chemical aid to help her cope with this situation.

"The point I'm trying to make here, sir, is that I'm hoping that by having her stay with someone she trusts for a couple of weeks maybe we will be able to break that cycle and she will see that she can sleep through the night on her own. Besides, as I said before, there is a chance that things could get worse now that the truth has come out and that means I need someone in a position to spot any possible warning signs. If things deteriorate over the next few days I'd like to be able to reevaluate my decision that she **_not_** be forced to see someone professionally. As for the request that SG-1 be put on stand down, while she is a big part of that request, the truth is that that's not just for Captain Carter's benefit. I am assuming that, as the officer in charge of that particular mission, Colonel O'Neill will have to be briefed about this and somehow I don't think he is going to take it particularly well."

"That's probably an understatement, however I'm not sure whether or not Captain Carter should be allowed to remain a member of SG-1 under the circumstances, not when another such incident remains a strong possibility," says the general and I know we've come to the critical point in this encounter.

"With all due respect, sir, removing her from SG-1 would be devastating for her, not to mention that it would be totally unjustified. She is aware of the risks and if she feels that they are worth taking then I think it should be her decision," I point out.

"Need I remind you that I am responsible for the safety of the people who serve under my command, doctor?"

"No, sir, but I do feel that removing Captain Carter from her current position would be totally unwarranted, especially considering the fact that she is not the only member of an SG team to have been raped in the line of duty and that you took no such action in the other case," I remind him, knowing that things are about to get tricky.

"What other case?" he asks.

"Well, sir, we may think of rape as a man forcing himself on a woman or maybe on another man, however I wouldn't really describe the encounter between Doctor Jackson and Hathor as being consensual, would you?"

"No, of course not but..."

"But you don't feel comfortable labeling it as 'rape' either? I'm sorry, sir, but that's exactly what it was, even if we've all been dancing around the word ever since **_it_** happened. All the tap dancing in the world does nothing to change the facts, though I am all too aware that Dr. Jackson is not ready to deal with that particular label just yet. As for Captain Carter, rape is about power, it is about control. If you were to pull her from SG-1 for her own protection because of her gender you would be stripping her of control over her life just as effectively as Turghan stripped her of control over her body."

"Are you saying that...?"

"That by pulling her from SG-1 you would probably be causing as much damage as, if not more than, Turghan did? Yes, sir, that's exactly what I'm saying. Being a member of SG-1 is an integral part of Captain Carter's self-image and taking that away from her right now would definitely **_not_** help matters. Besides, there is no professional reason for you to have her removed from her current position and she knows it."

"So what do you suggest we do? I can't just let her go out there under the circumstances!" he says, shaking his head and I know I have a battle in my hands.

"Well, sir, unfortunately it is not so simple. The truth is that Captain Carter is in no more danger than the average male member of an SG team would be if he were to come across another queen Goa'uld looking for 'the code of life'. As for what could possibly be done to ensure her safety, I think Dr. Jackson may have some ideas in terms of a reasonable protocol that could be established to prevent another such situation from arising in the first place. Trying to prevent something like this is more his field than mine however I can promise you that from now on there will be some changes instituted in the infirmary to make sure that if something like this ever happens again it **_won't_** go undetected for seven months. The problem is that, seeing how those changes can't be made retroactively, they are unlikely to do us much good in this particular case. As for the future, as long as we don't know what's out there, each mission is going to entail some risks for all those involved. The fact is that there isn't a single team that hasn't had to be patched up at least once in the seven months I've been here, either as a result of some skirmish with the Goa'uld or of a cultural misunderstanding with the natives of whatever planet they happened to have been visiting at the time, believe me, I know... after all, I'm the one who's in charge of doing the patching... and don't even get me started on the number of times I've had Dr. Jackson and Colonel O'Neill in my infirmary. Are you going to pull them from their current assignments because it's too dangerous?" I ask.

"No, of course not, but this was not an ordinary injury, was it?" he reminds me.

"No, it was not an ordinary injury, nor was it something that couldn't have happened here on earth while Captain Carter was off-duty either. The thing is that if you want to make absolutely sure your female personnel won't ever have to go through a similar experience you are going to have to appoint an armed guard to each one of them whenever they set foot out of this mountain and even that may not be enough to keep them safe."

"It's not the same," he protests.

"No, it's not, sir, I agree but it's not as simple as having the female personnel reassigned to 'safer duties' either. The truth is that it's a risk that is always there, whether it's on or off world and even though you may be uncomfortable thinking about it I can promise you that there isn't a single female member of the staff here who is **_not_** well aware of that fact. I can also promise you that there **_isn't_** a single female member of the armed forces who isn't perfectly aware of the fact that should they ever be captured the probability of being sexually assaulted is close to 100 percent. They know it and they are willing to take that chance... that is a risk we are **_all_** willing to live with," I say.

"I'll take that under consideration, doctor, but only if something can be worked out to ensure that she will be kept reasonably safe in future missions," warns the general rather grudgingly after thinking it over for a few seconds. It's not the most reassuring statement but I know that, at least for the time being, that's the most I'm going to get.

* * *

**_Author's note_**: Hi guys, first of all, thanks for your reviews, as always they are deeply appreciated. 

Now, before you say anything, in this chapter I had some doubts as to where the conversation between Janet and General Hammond was going to take place. His office seemed like the most logical choice but I was worried about the security cameras. In the end I decided that those probably record video only, otherwise the personnel manning the security station would have to have a higher clearance than General Hammond and that didn't seem to make much sense. Anyway, I just thought I might as well mention it, just to be on the safe side.

Take care,

Alec


	18. Chapter 18: A Matter of Perspective

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1  
Additional warning: references to the unpleasant side of human history  
This chapter was slightly edited on September 15, 2005_**

Chapter 18: A Matter of Perspective  
(Daniel's POV)

"I assume you know why I called you in here, don't you?" asks the general.

"Yes, sir. This has to do with the incident in Simarka, doesn't it?" I say, having seen Janet walk out of here a few minutes ago.

"It does, though a more pressing concern right now is what should be done about Captain Carter under the circumstances. The truth is that given this new information I'm not entirely sure of whether or not she should be allowed to remain a member of SG-1 at all. In fact I'm beginning to think that maybe we should reconsider the idea of allowing women to serve in off-world teams in the first place," he says, not that that statement comes as much of a surprise. It just confirms my fear that I'm going to have to change his mind about that... and that means that things may be about to get ugly around here, after all, I did promise Sam that I would do everything within my power to keep that from happening.

"With all due respect, sir, we need her on our team and we most definitely need women out there," I say. "It's true that the incident in Simarka was extremely serious and should never have happened, but the fact is that **_not_** having women assigned to the SG teams could turn out to be just as disastrous. I mean, look at what happened when Hathor took over the base... and that was nothing compared to what could have happened if the base had had an **_entirely_** male population rather than an **_almost_** **_entirely_** male population. The fact is that off-world the presence of **_female_** team members is our best defense against a possible infiltration by a queen Goa'uld. Besides, what will happen the first time an all male team encounters a strictly matriarchal society? It is true that, as a rule, matriarchal societies are less likely to be violent toward males than patriarchal societies are prone to be violent toward women but the fact remains that an all male team would not be listened to in those instances and that may well turn out to be crippling. We just don't know what we are going to find out there and because of that in the end diversity may well be the key to our survival.

"As for what happened to Sam, well, I have to say that, to a large extent, that was my fault. If I had been doing my job it could almost certainly have been prevented, though I do agree that some changes may be required to avoid any future incidents."

"What do you mean it was your fault and what kind of changes do you propose?"

"Well, sir, the truth is that when we first arrived in Simarka we were given a chance to come back to earth but I was curious and I insisted that we should stay, even over Captain Carter's objections," I admit. "That was my first mistake but it wasn't the only one. The thing is that while I pushed Sam to try to fit in by adopting their dress and customs up to a point --and, even worse, by allowing them to segregate her from the rest of the team-- I failed to take it far enough... I didn't push the rest of the team to take it far enough.

"I should have remembered that in a society in which women were seen as property the only protection a woman could hope to receive was the protection afforded to her as her 'husband's' property... and at least among the Shavadai hospitality was sacred."

"I'm afraid I'm not quite following you, son," says the general.

"What I mean is that Sam was left exposed because we insisted on holding on to our ways when we shouldn't have. If one of us had claimed Sam as his own she would have been safe --furious, but safe-- but we didn't. We kept insisting on the fact that she **_didn't_** belong to us, that she was our equal, and we just expected the Shavadai to accept that. They couldn't. That notion went against everything they had ever known and going by their laws, since Sam was not under any **_man's_** protection, Abu felt he was well within his right to claim her as his own and trade her. Trading a woman was acceptable from his perspective, stealing from his father's guests would have been unthinkable," I explain.

"And what do you think could be done to prevent another such incident? Dr. Fraiser mentioned that you may have some ideas in that regard," he pushes.

"Yes, sir. For SG-1 I now certainly know better. I know that if we ever find ourselves in a similar situation in the future we are to do everything within our power to return to earth immediately and, if that's not an option, then Sam's got her choice as to who she wants to play her loving husband. As for other teams, with your permission I would like to work with Captain Carter on putting together a sort of manual for both female SG personnel and for their COs."

"A manual?"

"Yes, sir. It would basically outline the specific dangers women are likely to encounter out there and it would also provide them with a general idea of how different human cultures have treated and perceived them throughout history. In addition to that I would also like to include some basic information on how to safely handle some foreseeable sticky situations. I know something like that won't be the answer in every single case but the fact remains that, given that most of the cultures we've encountered so far --including the Shavadai-- have been based on ancient earth civilizations, it would at least give our people a starting point. I guess in a way you could describe such a manual as a specialized crash course on field anthropology that will hopefully enable SG teams to assess a situation from a different perspective, one that at times may be better suited for the work we do here than the military approach."

"And why would you want Captain Carter to help you with that? It's not exactly her field, is it?"

"Well, sir, even though I'm well aware that she's an astrophysicist, not an anthropologist, the fact remains that she is by far the woman who has had the most experience when it comes to going through the gate and dealing with other worlds. The thing is that since such a manual would be intended to help mostly female personnel, her personal experiences with both the Shavadai and other cultures are likely to add a valuable insight to the project. In addition to that, to be perfectly honest, I think helping me would probably do her some good," I explain before going on.

"From what she's told me it seems that one of the things she's been doing these past few months is trying to understand what happened to her, trying to figure out what she can possibly do to keep herself safe if she were ever to find herself in a similar situation. She's been researching from home and I'd hate to see that research go to waste when it could actually be used to prevent another incident in the future. In addition to that there's the fact that Sam is, above all, rational. She needs facts to be able to come to terms with what's happened to her and I think helping me do this would provide her with some of those facts... as well as with a better understanding of just what it is that may be waiting for her out there.

"The thing is that we have to remember that speaking in cultural terms there are very few absolutes and when we travel to other worlds we must leave our own preconceived notions behind or run the risk of being ambushed by them when we can least afford it. I think that is one of the things that must be emphasized... and I'm afraid that **_that_** is also one of those things that, to be quite honest, most SGC personnel are still not fully aware of."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, sir, take the situation in Simarka for example. As strange as it may sound, while it is undeniable that Sam was raped by Turghan, it is equally undeniable that Turghan did not rape Sam," I explain.

"I'm afraid I'm not following you, son. It's either one or the other," says the general, looking rather confused.

"Actually, sir, it's not. In a way even that is a matter of perspective and that's why I said that we have to accept that there are very few absolutes in cultural terms. Without condoning what Turghan did, or minimizing the impact of what's happened on Sam's life, the fact remains that that impact was determined more by her cultural background than by his actions. It is true that Turghan was trying to punish her, to assert himself in the most primal way possible, but it is also far more complicated than that," I say.

"The thing is that from his perspective --or from the perspective of a woman who had actually been born and raised in Simarka, for that matter-- there was no way that he could actually have raped her. According to their laws she belonged to him and the idea that her consent mattered is a thought that never crossed his mind... and, as distasteful as **_we_** may find it, the women on that planet actually shared his perspective in that regard. In their world there was an acceptance of abuse as a fact of life, as something that was to be expected, as something that wasn't even worth mentioning. That means that while no one would have deemed what Sam went through to be a **_pleasant_** experience, it was something that in her case was undoubtedly magnified by the cultural differences between herself and Turghan. It was something that was magnified by **_Sam's_** taboos, expectations and preconceptions... and what happened in Simarka is just a single example of that, though I'll grant you that it is a dramatic one, one that goes to the core of our own social code. That is why I said that making SGC personnel more aware of the existence of those fundamental differences is going to be critical, and that is also the reason why it's going to be so difficult: because at times those differences **_will_** challenge some of our most basic assumptions about human nature."

"I'll say... I would have assumed that the concept of rape was common sense," says the general, shaking his head.

"It's not, sir, not even in our own world or throughout history. Take Greek mythology, for instance," I explain, going for the most obvious example. "The 'rape of Europa' refers to an abduction and the word 'rape' in that context has no sexual connotations, in fact the sex between Zeus and Europa is consensual. The thing is that in antiquity the sexual connotation of the word applied mostly to male on male rape, rather than male on female. Back then women were often seen as property at best, war trophies at worst, and up until a few centuries ago what we perceive as rape was seen as a crime against a **_man's_** honor --usually a father or a husband-- rather than as a crime against the woman who actually endured it. Besides, going back to the incident in Simarka, we don't even have to look that far back to see how it is something that wouldn't have been given a second thought here on earth. Even if our laws don't recognize it as such, the fact is that when the rape happened Sam was --at least by his definition-- Turghan's wife... and in this country up until a couple of decades ago it was impossible for a woman to accuse her husband of rape, simply because marriage was seen as implying lifelong consent.

"Anyway, the bottom line is that we can't expect off-world cultures to share our core values and taboos, nor can we blame them for the fallout of the unavoidable cultural clashes when we are guests in their worlds. We have to face the fact that, as different as they may be, in their worlds their laws apply, just like when we travel abroad here on earth we are bound by the other country's laws rather than by our own. Of course, even though there are some obvious similarities between gate travel and international travel, there are also some equally significant differences, starting with the fact that when we travel abroad we usually **_know_** what to expect, at least to a certain extent. That is a safety net we don't have when we step through the gate. That's why I think providing some sort of manual or guidelines to help SGC personnel become more aware of some of the more obvious threats that may be out there is so important. On top of that I think that now that the SGC has become more organized and the teams are growing more specialized, perhaps it would be a good idea to keep new recruits out of first contact teams. That should enable them to get some hands on experience in dealing with other worlds in a somewhat controlled environment and **_then_** it should be possible to transfer some of them to first contact teams, once they are truly ready. I know it is not an ideal solution but right now that's probably the best we can do."

"In other words you don't think that pulling Captain Carter from SG-1 is necessary?" insists the general.

"No, sir. In fact I think pulling her from the team would be disastrous both for the program and for Sam, but that doesn't mean that nothing happened here. I do think, however, that this was a lesson we had to learn and learn the hard way. We have to be more aware of the fact that the rules we are familiar with don't necessarily apply on other planets. We may speak of a universal declaration of human rights but those rights aren't always a reality here on earth, much less out there... and team members have to understand that a US Air Force uniform means absolutely **_nothing_** once they step through that gate. That means that we can't afford to get cocky and it also means that we have to be better prepared to deal with the cultural differences we are bound to encounter, but it certainly doesn't mean that we have to bury the gate to keep the monsters at bay."

"But can you assure me that the measures you are proposing would be enough to keep our female personnel safe? What would happen if you were to come across a society that is less hospitable than the Shavadai, a society in which being under her 'husband's' protection won't be enough to keep Captain Carter safe?"

"Well, sir, if we were to come in contact with a society that is less hospitable than the Shavadai then the fact that Sam is a woman would effectively cease to be an issue. When confronted with a hostile society, whether it is a patriarchal one or not, we will probably find ourselves in a position of having to fight our way out and we already know Sam can handle herself in a fight a lot better than I can. If we are treated as guests it should be possible for us to keep her safe, if we are not welcomed as guests then we are all in trouble anyway and the fact that she's a woman won't make any difference at all. It really is that simple," I say.

"Yes, well, but the risk would remain in case of capture, wouldn't it?" he points out.

"Actually, sir, even though this time around it was Captain Carter who found herself in a rather unpleasant situation due to her gender, it could just as easily have been any one of us. Besides, in case of capture men may well find themselves in a position that is just as **_unpleasant_** as that of women. Human history is not necessarily a friendly place full of quaint, idyllic civilizations and there are very real dangers we all have to face when we travel to other planets, regardless of our gender.

"For instance, slavery has been a legally accepted institution in most human cultures and throughout most of human history. Even here in our own country it was still legal less than 150 years ago," I remind him.

"Thanks for the history lesson, doctor, I'm well aware of that fact, but what does that have to do with Captain Carter's situation?" asks the general, sounding rather frustrated, and I realize that I'm going to have no choice but to pull out the big guns here... I just hope that doing so won't lead to the whole stargate program being shut down in a hurry.

"This is not just about Sam, it's about what we are **_all_** bound to find out there, sir," I explain. "The thing is that going by how prevalent slavery's been throughout human history --and by what we know of Goa'uld society-- I think it's safe to assume that running into situations in which slavery is a fact of life is all but unavoidable and that does pose a serious threat to **_any_** captured team member. Off-world the Geneva Convention simply does not apply. It is true that, for the most part, we have a considerable technological advantage when compared to most human civilizations we've encountered so far, but even with that edge the fact remains that in most instances an SG team is made up of four individuals who can easily find themselves in a position of having to fight hundreds, or even thousands, of people in an unfamiliar terrain. That is a situation in which they are unlikely to prevail... and that's a risk that's bound to impact every team member, not just the female ones.

"You may be worried about the safety of **_female_** team members in case of capture but the fact is that if a **_male_** team member were to find himself captured and sold in a society with a different view of homosexuality, his situation wouldn't really be any different or any less dangerous than the one a woman would face... and that's not even a worst case scenario."

"That's **_not_** a worst case scenario?" asks the general, looking rather worried, and I decide to move in for the kill.

"No, sir. You also have to keep in mind that the gate was buried thousands of years ago, long before Rome came into power."

"And what the hell do the Romans have to do with any of this?"

"Nothing directly, sir, but our perception of slavery is based mostly on the Roman definition of that institution, or on the one that was prevalent in the South," I explain. "The thing is that slavery has taken on many different forms throughout history and the Roman perspective was not the prevalent one back when the gate was buried. Slavery evolved gradually to reach that point and, even though before that there was some slave trade, it was very limited in scope and most slaves were not **_born_** into slavery. The thing is that it was the Romans who first saw their slaves' offspring as valuable commodities that could actually be traded."

"So?"

"So even though back when the gate was buried slave labor was appreciated, when it came to those male slaves that had actually been captured in the battlefield another concern was for the conquerors to get rid of their enemies' bloodlines, to make sure that their enemies' descendants would never become a threat... and at times they took some rather drastic measures to that end."

"What are you getting at, doctor?" he asks.

"I'm getting at the fact that throughout history one very effective way to ensure the benefits of slave labor while eliminating the risks posed by an enemy's descendants was through either castration or emasculation, sir," I explain as I try to prepare myself for the explosion that is sure to follow. I don't have to wait long.

"**_WHAT!_**"

"I'm saying that just as women may find themselves being sold and raped, going by human history, castration remains a very real possibility for captured **_male_** team members. Are you going to keep your men from going through the gate to keep them safe from those dangers, which are just as real as the ones faced by women, if they were to be captured?" I ask.

"Right now I would be tempted to but you know I can't. Why is this the first time I'm hearing about any of this? My people are out there!" he growls.

"Well, sir, it's never really come up before and the truth is that it's only been in the past twelve hours or so that I've been giving it much thought. Besides there are countless possible scenarios and we don't really know much about what we are going to find on any given planet until we are actually there... and by that time it is usually too late for us to turn back. It would be impossible for us to try to foresee all the different possibilities and this is just one of hundreds of scenarios when it comes to the things that could go wrong on any given mission," I say.

"Yes but, castration? That's a bit more extreme than what we could reasonably have expected, isn't it?" he insists.

"Actually, sir, it's not. Even in terms of our own history that particular practice is nowhere near as distant as we would like to believe, not even in 'civilized' western society. You have to remember that it was only in 1870 that castratism was outlawed in Italy. In addition to that eunuchs were used to guard harems throughout history and they remained a fixture of the Chinese Imperial Court until 1912, where they were deemed to be 'trustworthy advisors to the Emperor' because they could harbor no ambitions when it came to starting their own dynasties. Of course, at least in China --and unlike what was the case in Italy-- toward the end castration was mostly a voluntary procedure. In other words, even though we may be appalled at the thought, and even though the very notion cuts to the core of our deepest fears, the fact remains that castration is a practice that was alive and well until the last couple of centuries both in the east **_and_** the west. Considering when the gate was buried, that means that we can't rule out the possibility of encountering it off-world."

"And how can we protect our people?" asks the general, sounding more than a little worried, not that I blame him.

"The truth is that I'm not sure we can, sir," I say, knowing he is **_not_** going to like that answer. "That's why I'm only suggesting a manual to deal with a situation similar to the one we encountered in Simarka, rather than something with a wider scope."

"But you think a manual would help?"

"I'm the first one to admit that it won't be a surefire protection in all cases, in fact its uses will be rather limited but hopefully it will help under certain circumstances. The truth is that there are countless 'little things' that can get SG teams in trouble due to cultural differences and it is as a sort of prevention against those incidents that I think a set of common sense guidelines could come in handy. What bothers me the most about the whole Simarka incident is just how preventable the whole thing was. The other scenarios I've mentioned here are just as real, just as likely and just as disturbing, that is true, but they may well be far less preventable."

"**_Less_** preventable?"

"Yes, sir. As I said, the Shavadai were not really a hostile society and the whole incident derived from a cultural misunderstanding, one that could and should have been foreseen," I explain. "The other scenarios I've mentioned here derive mostly from situations in which a team has been captured on a hostile planet. Of course even though that means that those situations are less likely to be preventable, at least in those cases the basic course of action is more straightforward. If a team comes under attack it is to try to fight its way out and whether the team is made up of men, women or a combination of both is unlikely to be relevant."

"So in spite of everything, you still feel that the risk of having women assigned to off-world teams is worth taking?" he asks --for the third time-- bringing the conversation back to his primary concern... and still sounding far from convinced.

"As I said, sir, I think it's not only a risk worth taking but also a necessary one. Besides, even if I felt it was too dangerous --which I don't-- I still don't think it should be up to us to make that call... especially not in Sam's case where she has already made it clear that, in spite of everything she's been through, she **_doesn't_** want to be reassigned."

"Dr. Fraiser mentioned that it could be harmful for her to have me do anything she could perceive as an attempt to take control of her life," he says.

"Yes, sir, that would be a serious concern right now. In the end it is her life and she should have a say on what happens next. For the time being I think that making sure Sam is alright should be our top priority."

"And would you be willing to work with her and with Dr. Fraiser to make sure that happens?"

"Sir?" I ask, more than a little shocked. I really wasn't expecting that particular question.

"As you know, Dr. Fraiser was here earlier today and she too was pretty adamant that Captain Carter be allowed to remain part of SG-1," he explains, "however she did express some concerns about her well-being, her emotional state and she mentioned that she is not comfortable with the idea that she be allowed to be on her on for the next couple of weeks. She requested that SG-1 be put on stand down for the time being and she basically asked for your help when it comes to the captain's care over the next few days. She says it's far from standard procedure but apparently she has some concerns as to whether or not Dr. MacKenzie would be the best candidate to help the captain deal with the current situation."

"She's not the only one..." I mutter under my breath, before realizing that the general actually heard that one. "Sorry, sir."

"So you concur in that regard?" he asks.

"Yes, sir. I don't really know the man all that well, but Sam has made it clear that she's not particularly comfortable with him. From what I gather she finds him too cold and having her trying to work with someone she doesn't trust wouldn't do anything but add to the stress she's under."

"I'm glad to hear you agree, son, because, to quote Dr. Fraiser, she fully intends to prescribe the captain a friend... and your name did come up during that particular conversation," he says.

"So I'm being prescribed now?" I ask, shaking my head.

"Well, son, apparently the doctor is not too keen on the idea of prescribing her any kind of medication if it can possibly be avoided so she is looking for viable alternatives. It seems like the captain is having some trouble sleeping..."

"She is," I confirm, knowing that there's no point in trying to deny it.

"I see. Well, apparently the good doctor has decided that you would be the ideal candidate to make sure she is actually getting some rest and that things are not getting any worse. Basically she wants you to help her keep an eye on Captain Carter and I want the two of you on the case," he says before going on.

"For the time being I'm going to go along with both of your recommendations **_not_** to separate her from SG-1 but I do want to be kept up to date on how she's doing and I want to make sure I won't be jeopardizing the rest of the team by allowing her to remain part of it, is that understood?"

"Yes, sir, but..." I try to interrupt but the general just goes on.

"No 'buts', Dr. Jackson. Let me tell you what we are going to do here. Right now I'm going to call Dr. Fraiser back in and I want the two of you to come to some sort of an agreement on how this situation is going to be handled and I don't mean a general agreement, I mean something that can be described at least as the beginnings of a plan of action. I understand that you can't make any long term predictions, but I do want to know at least how you intend to tackle this situation in the first place. After that I'll talk to Captain Carter and see what she has to say for herself. The thing is that while I understand everything you've said so far, and for the most part I agree with you, you have also made it perfectly clear that you **_want_** Captain Carter to remain a member of your team and that may be clouding your judgment. Unfortunately while I can definitely sympathize with that feeling, as the general in charge of this facility, I have to put the safety of other team members first. That means that there is no way I'm going to allow her to go out there unless I am absolutely certain that she can handle it. Do I make myself clear?" he asks, making it abundantly clear that that is most definitely **_not_** a question.

"Yes, sir," I say, knowing that this is one of those situations in which things are likely to get worse before they get better.

* * *

**_Author's notes:_** Hi guys, okay, first of all thanks for your reviews. Also I know this chapter is not the easiest one to read through, after all, it deals with Daniel's anthropological take on 'shock and awe'.

From a personal perspective, I have to say that having to write Turghan's defense was not easy but it was necessary, please don't be too mad about that one.

Another thing I would like to explain here is my take on General Hammond's background. I know in this story he comes across sounding a little clueless at times but the way I see it he is a man who was born in the mid '40 (based on the fact that he was probably in his late twenties in 1969). That means that he joined the military in the '60s. Given the attitudes that were prevalent at the time that would probably mean he comes from a rural and/or fairly conservative background. While I see him as keeping up with the times, there are some preconceived notions from that upbringing that he is likely to have hold on to throughout his life and those are likely to come through at times.

Finally, when did we reach the point that historical references warrant a warning?

Okay, that's it for this week, take care,

Alec


	19. Chapter 19: Drawing the Line

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1  
Author's note: in case anyone is interested, chapter 18 has been slightly revised (these changes don't affect its contents though)._**

Chapter 19: Drawing the Line  
(Daniel's POV)

"So, I'm being 'prescribed' now?" I ask, somewhat teasingly, as soon as Janet enters the room.

"I know I should probably have asked you about it before suggesting it to the general, I'm sorry but..." she says before I cut her off.

"It's okay, I understand."

"It's just that it was either you or me... and it couldn't be me," she explains.

"Why not?" I ask, knowing that as a woman Janet would probably have been a more logical choice. I know Sam and I are close but still...

"A couple of reasons but mostly it all comes down to Cassie," says Janet. "She's barely starting to come to terms with everything she's been through in the past few weeks and I don't want to add this situation with Sam on top of everything else she's already dealing with. Besides, if Sam were to come stay with me for a few days she would probably insist on trying to **_protect_** Cassie and that would be a bad idea. Right now my top priority is to get Sam into an environment where she can let her guard down safely, not add to the stress she's under by burdening her with the need to protect a child. The bottom line is that I want her somewhere she feels she can fall apart, where there will be someone there to catch her if she falls. I want her with someone who can help her put the pieces back together again and under the circumstances I know it can't be me."

"You really think it will come to that?" I ask, feeling more than a little worried.

"I'm hoping it won't but there is a chance that now that she's no longer worried about keeping what happened to her a secret the things she's been trying to push back for months are going to come back to haunt her with a vengeance and it never hurts to have a safety net."

"That makes sense... of course, you do realize that getting her to agree won't be easy, right?" I point out.

"It's not going to be a request, Dr. Jackson. If she wants to remain a part of SG-1 she's going to have to comply with each and every one of Dr. Fraiser's orders," interrupts General Hammond.

"I see," I say before turning back to Janet. "So, what do you want me to do?"

"Just be yourself and be there for her... and I want you to promise me that while SG-1 is on stand down you will make sure she **_doesn't_** spend more than fourteen hours at a time here at the mountain. That's not a suggestion that's an order, by the way, do I make myself clear? I want her to rest and that means I want her to get as close to eight hours of sleep a night as she possibly can. In other words, since your main task over the next couple of weeks is going to be to keep an eye on her, I want you **_both_** out of here by 2200 hours and I don't want to see either one of you back before 0800... and she can't be working more than six days in a row. That means you **_will_** make sure she takes at least one day off per week, I'd say two but I know her and I'm aware that that may be too much to ask... and I also want you to try to make sure she eats three meals a day. In addition to that, seeing how she's already having trouble sleeping, I want her to try and cut back her caffeine intake."

"Come on, Janet, that's just cruel!" I say, knowing how well those instructions are going to go over with Sam.

"I mean it, Daniel. I want her to sleep as much as she can, and that means that her regular diet of coffee and blue jell-o is not an option," she insists.

"You are doing it on purpose aren't you?" I ask with a sinking feeling.

"I have no idea of what you mean," says Janet, but somehow I'm not buying it.

"I mean that you've been trying to get me to cut back my hours and my coffee intake for months and now you know that if you order me to look after Sam that will affect me too. That's not fair."

"Well, that's not exactly why I'm doing it but I won't deny that I consider it a really nice side-benefit. I mean, some good **_had_** to come out of this whole situation and this is **_my_** silver lining," she admits.

"In other words, you are not doing it on purpose but you are determined to enjoy it nonetheless?"

"Doctors, care to fill me in on what's going on here?" asks the general.

"Nothing, sir, it's just that Dr. Fraiser has been fairly vocal in telling me that I should cut back in the number of hours I spend here for a while and now she seems to be determined to use this situation with Captain Carter to achieve that goal," I explain.

"You are as bad as, if not worse than, Sam in that regard and you know it! I mean, doesn't the fact that you are complaining about having to **_cut_** your workday to less than fourteen hours a day tell you anything?" she asks, though I'm fairly certain that it is a rhetorical question. "I know the two of you and I know that if either one of you spends seven nights a month sleeping in your own beds that's a lot. On average you have two or three nights a week that you are off-world. Granted, that's not really your fault but then on top of that you usually spend another two or three nights a week here because you want to get a couple of extra hours working on one project or another and you feel that going home is a useless waste of time. Add to that one or two nights a month you spend in the infirmary and the fact is that I don't really know why either one of you even bothers to maintain a place off-base... you are both here almost as much as Teal'c and he actually lives here!"

"Well, it's not like I have much to go home to, do I?" I remind her, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice... and failing miserably.

"And now you do. Sam needs you," she insists. "You are one of her closest friends and you are the one who is in the best position to help her deal with this situation. Remember that, just like you, she moved here when she joined the SGC a few months ago, even if she came from another part of the country rather than from a different planet. The thing is that she hasn't really had much time to make friends outside the SGC and that means that most of the friends she has managed to make are military, just like she is... and that's a problem. Right now I need her with someone with whom she can be Sam Carter, not Captain Carter and you are it. Right now I want her with someone with whom she **_doesn't_** have to be a soldier. That's my top priority and in that regard my choices are rather limited."

"I know... and believe it or not I understand that much, it's just the part in which you want me to police her every move that I have some problems with. I mean, how am I supposed to be both her friend and her jailer?" I ask.

"You won't be her 'jailer' and as for most of the things I just told you you have to look out for, well, I'll be the one breaking the news to her about those so you should be in the clear," she says.

"I still don't think this is the way to go."

"I'm serious, Daniel. She needs to take better care of herself, in fact you both do, but that's not the main issue. The main issue is that if one of the primary objectives we are going to be trying to achieve over the next couple of weeks is to get Sam sleeping regularly again, then she needs to be in a position to go to bed at a reasonable time and she needs to cut back on her intake of chemical stimulants... and that is **_precisely_** what coffee is," she reminds me.

"Okay, we'll go home before 10:00 p.m. but she is an adult and I refuse to enforce a curfew. If she wants to go to bed then that's fine but if she wants to do something else that's her choice," I say.

"Fair enough," Janet agrees, though she doesn't sound particularly happy about that one.

"So, general, where do we stand?" I ask, turning my attention back to General Hammond and knowing that regardless of whether Janet and I agree or disagree, in the end this is out of our hands.

"As I said, SG-1 is on stand down for two weeks at Dr. Fraiser's request, for that time your top priority is going to be to try and help the captain as much as you can. I know she's been functioning just fine for the past seven months but I'm still worried about this whole mess. In two weeks I'll reevaluate the situation. In other words, let me make it abundantly clear that while I am willing to let the two of you take a shot at handling this your way, in return I expect Captain Carter to fully cooperate with you. If there's any indication that she isn't, or if either one of you feels tempted to cover for her, I'll immediately revise my decision. In that case she will be referred to Dr. MacKenzie and she will be pulled from active duty until he is satisfied that she is fit to be out there, as would have been the case if this whole thing had been reported when it should have been. Do you understand?" he asks.

"Yes sir," says Janet.

"Absolutely," I agree, knowing better than to try to argue.

"Good, now, once we are done here I'll talk to her myself and hear what she's got to say for herself. Even though I understand why she kept quiet in the first place that does nothing to change the fact that this was a serious breach of protocol that cannot, under any circumstances, be repeated. Would there be any objections from either one of you if I were to request that she present an updated and complete report concerning the mission to Simarka sometime within the next two weeks?" he asks.

"No, sir, though I'd suggest you give her some leeway as to how detailed she makes it," I say as Janet nods her agreement.

"Good. Now the next issue on the agenda would be for me to talk to Colonel O'Neill about this... I'm guessing there's no way I can get either one of you to volunteer to break the news to him, is there?"

"No, sir, sorry," I say, knowing that that meeting won't be an easy one... for either one of them.

"I was afraid of that, however, Dr. Fraiser, I'd like you to be present during that meeting. I'm sure he is going to have some questions and I need you to bring him up to speed on how you are planning to handle the situation. The last thing we need right now is to have him stomping out of here and making a mess of things. Now, I'm assuming that he **_won't_** request that the captain be pulled from his team, but if he does I am prepared to grant his request."

"Sir, I don't think he'll want her pulled from our team but if he does, could you still give us those two weeks to try and bring him around?" I ask, knowing that I'm pushing my luck here.

"Fine, you've got your two weeks," he agrees, "but that's the most I can do. I know you feel that remaining with SG-1 is the best thing for Captain Carter but I won't allow it if it can in any way jeopardize the team's ability to function effectively as a field unit."

"Thank you, sir."

"Dr. Jackson, have you given any thought to what you are going to tell Teal'c about any of this?" asks the general.

"With all due respect, sir, I haven't. Simply put, it's not up to me. I understand why you had to be told and I understand why you have to tell Jack but I think that what, if anything, Teal'c is to be told about this situation should be entirely up to Sam. As far as I know there are no chain of command issues there so basically I don't see how it could possibly be any of our business," I explain.

"You are right, at least in theory, but the fact remains that not telling him could easily fracture the team," he reminds me.

"I know, sir," I agree, "but it's still not my decision to make... besides, it's not so simple."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, sir, if Teal'c were from earth we would have an idea as to what his background is and how he is likely to react to the news, however the fact is that we don't have nearly enough information about Chulak to make even an educated guess as to how he is going to take this," I explain. "We don't know how rape is perceive in Chulak, how it's handled and that means that, based on the information we have available to us, there's no way for us to predict if he is going to be protective of Sam or if he may demand to go back to Simarka looking for vengeance... or even if he may actually blame her for what happened. Even though this last scenario is not one we are particularly comfortable contemplating, the fact remains that under the circumstances it is one that must most definitely be considered. It is certainly not something that's outside the realm of possibility. In the end it all boils down to what I was saying earlier about the fact that there are very few absolutes in cultural terms and that similar events may be perceived in very different ways by different cultures."

"I see," says the general.

"Anyway, right now I think our top priority should be Sam. With the team on stand down for two weeks she will hopefully have plenty of time to figure out what she wants to do about that particular situation and then I believe we should follow her lead, after all, she is the injured party here," I remind him.

"But you have an idea as to what you think she should do, don't you?" he prods.

"I'm not sure I would go so far as to say that I have an idea, but I do have something that could be deemed to be a starting point. As I said, one of the problems we are facing is the fact that there are too many question marks when it comes to this issue so I think maybe the first step should be to try to answer some of those questions before making any kind of decision. On a rational level I know ideally she should tell him as soon as possible, but it's not my call to make and we have to keep in mind that telling him could easily backfire. In other words, for the time being I don't think it would be wise for her to say anything. I mean, when all is said and done, it is bound to be easier to tell Teal'c about this at a later date than to try to untell him if his initial reaction represents a problem."

"Yes, well, that may work in the short term but what would be your advice for a long term solution?"

"I think that eventually he will have to be told. Long term I don't think there's going to be a way around that, but **_how _**and**_ when _**he is told is something that should be handled carefully, especially considering that **_that_** is something that **_can_** be put off until we can be certain that a negative reaction won't hurt Sam. In the meantime we should probably try to learn more about how such a situation would be perceived in Chulak and go from there. I am hoping that it won't be a worst case scenario that would force us to have to choose between Sam and Teal'c remaining in SG-1 but the truth is that it may actually come to that if we run into a cultural taboo that he **_can't_** overcome here."

"Do you think that's a real possibility?" asks the general, sounding rather worried.

"Do I think that's a real possibility? Yes. Based on what I know about Teal'c, do I think it is a likely scenario? Not really," I reply.

"So what do you suggest we do? You said that the decision should be up to Captain Carter but going by your own words it is a decision that could cause her to get hurt and I'm not sure that's a chance we should be taking here."

"Well, sir, as I said, the decision **_is_** Sam's, but that doesn't mean we can't try to help her out here. With your permission I could try to gather some additional information to help Sam make something that is closer to an informed decision. With any luck Teal'c will dismiss my questions as simple curiosity, or maybe I could explain them away as being part of my research for the guidelines Sam and I are going to be working on over the next couple of weeks. That should provide us with an appropriate cover story and the fact that I would be the one asking the questions, rather than Sam, should serve to lessen the chances of him becoming suspicious in the first place. I know in the end this is not an ideal solution but then again what we are dealing with here is not an ideal situation."

"Thank you, Dr. Jackson, that will be all for now. Dr. Fraiser if you have a minute please?" asks the general as I head out.

"Yes, sir," I hear Janet say as I walk out the door.

**_

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Author's notes_**: Hi guys, first of all thanks for the reviews, they certainly help make my day. I'm really gald to hear you are enjoying this.

In one of the reviews a reader mentioned that there was very little feel for his emotional reaction. In a way that was actually deliberate because I kind of thought that, at least for the time being, his top priority would be to make a logical and professional presentation that could coonvince General Hammond... and that would require him to push his feelings aside.

Also, as I mentioned above chapter 18 has been slightly revised. The truth is that even last week I wasn't happy with how it sounded so I decided to go back and make some minor changes.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this week's update, even if it is shorter than most recent chapters.

Take care... and keep reviewing!

Alec


	20. Chapter 20: Common Ground

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1_**

Chapter 20: Common Ground  
(Janet's POV)

"You wanted to speak to me, sir?"

"Yes, first of all, care to tell me what you are up to?" asks the general, point blank.

"Was it that obvious, sir?" I stall, wondering how am I supposed to handle this one. On the one hand there's a limit to what I should say, on the other I know that trying to hide behind doctor/patient confidentiality would probably be a mistake at a time when we are already vulnerable and a lot is riding on the general going along with us.

"No, but somehow I get the feeling that you are not exactly putting all your cards on the table here, doctor, so why don't you tell me what's really going on?" he insists.

"Well, sir, as Dr. Jackson said, I've been trying to get him to slow down a little for months now and..."

"And you figured that you could use Captain Carter to get him to comply?" he asks with a knowing smile.

"Not entirely, though I have to say that they are more alike than you think in that regard, sir... in fact that's one of the main reasons why I chose to 'prescribe' Dr. Jackson to Sam in the first place," I explain. "You see, when left to their own devices both of them have a tendency to lose themselves in their work and to forget about such trivial little things as eating and sleeping... and both of them have a tendency to live off coffee that is far from healthy. They don't do it on purpose and they are both extremely competent in their fields but as their doctor I've been trying to get them to take better care of themselves for a while. The thing is that Dr. Jackson may be reluctant to go home at the end of the day, he may think of it as a waste of time but he will do it for Sam's sake... and the same goes for making sure she eats three meals a day. It's the best way to make sure **_he_** eats regularly and doesn't subsist on his regular diet of coffee and snacks. Of course, it's not like Captain Carter doesn't need a babysitter at times."

"But that's not all, doctor, is it?" he prods.

"No, let's just say that what they have in common goes a lot deeper than their tendency to forget about their own needs. Have you ever heard them exchanging theories, sir?"

"A couple of times, it's usually enough to make my head spin," he admits.

"Not just yours, sir, believe me, but the thing is that those instances have turned out to be very enlightening. You see, she is an astrophysicist and he is an archeologist. Their fields are not supposed to work together, let alone work **_well_** together, and yet that's almost never been an obstacle for them in terms of their ability to communicate with each other. From what I've seen when Sam gets excited about wormhole theory, Daniel can actually come closer to following her than most of the other scientists around here and that is saying something. Sure, he gets lost when it comes to some of the technical terms but he can usually follow her basic reasoning and the same goes for Captain Carter following his. She may not be able to understand every single one of his obscure references but she can keep up with the logic of what he's saying and I suspect that for both of them that's the opposite of what they usually experience with their respective colleagues, who can keep up with the technical terms or the references but not the reasoning."

"What are you getting at, doctor?" asks the general.

"I'm getting at the fact that the basis for their ability to understand each other probably has a lot less to do with their respective educational backgrounds than it does with the way in which they actually think. That is what I suspect has enabled them to develop a very special bond, one that goes beyond the obvious differences in their respective fields, a bond that can't really be shared by anyone else **_regardless_** of their profession."

"What do you mean?"

"Tell me something, sir, have you ever had to try to get someone who is, to put it bluntly, severely retarded to understand even the simplest of concepts?" I ask, not quite knowing how to phrase this... after all, what we are dealing with here is one of those elephants in the room no one ever dares to mention.

"Once," he admits. "Back in 'Nam a man in my unit had suffered some pretty extensive brain damage as a result of a mission gone wrong. When I came back I went to visit him at the hospital. I remember trying to talk to him and, as much as I hate to admit it, I found the whole experience to be incredibly frustrating. Even though I knew it wasn't going to happen, I kept expecting him to be himself but he wasn't. In a way dealing with him was harder than trying to talk to a small child because I kept expecting him to understand... but what does that have to do with anything?"

"I'm getting to that, and you have nothing to be ashamed of because you felt frustrated, sir," I reassure him. "That's perfectly understandable and a completely normal reaction under the circumstances... and that's precisely the point I'm trying to make here. The thing is that, going by what I've seen, I suspect that what you experienced that day is pretty much the norm for both Dr. Jackson and Captain Carter when dealing with the rest of the world. They are both used to it --so much so that they probably don't even notice it anymore, in fact for them experiencing that frustration is something they consider to be **_normal _**-- but the thing is that when they are together they actually have a chance to let go and be themselves. When they are together they don't have to worry about making sure that the other can keep up... and chances are that's **_not_** something either one of them has encountered all that often."

"I'm not sure I follow you, doctor," he says.

"Even without the benefit of an IQ score, do you agree that both Sam and Daniel fall well within most people's definition of 'genius'?" I ask, going for the direct approach.

"Yes, why?"

"Well, sir, the problem is that we all define normal by our own standards. We instinctively define 'normal' based on our own experiences and base our expectations accordingly," I explain. "From that perspective, people who are smarter than we are are 'bright' or 'gifted' and those who are slower are, well, 'dumb' or 'slow'... or whatever politically correct euphemism you want to use instead of either of those words. That's the way we are wired to perceive the world and there is nothing we can do about it. The thing is that while most of us think of extremely intelligent people as being 'gifted', the truth is that that gift is a double-edged sword, one that in extreme cases can actually turn into a disability... and I suspect both Sam and Daniel are close to that point. For them it's natural to go from A to D without even slowing down for B and C. They have a tendency to dismiss those intermediate steps as obvious and they don't really understand why the rest of us have trouble keeping up because for them **_that's_** normal, because for them it really **_is_** obvious. That is one of the main reasons why it is not uncommon to find that people with high IQs have lower than average emotional and social 'IQs': simply put, their intelligence has a tendency to get in the way of their social interaction with 99.9 percent of the world. It's like a machine that is performing 50 percent above specs. That works wonders when that machine is intended to function by itself, but if it is part of an assembly line then that increased efficiency can cause some pretty serious problems.

"The thing is that even though it may be difficult for the rest of us to accept it, the fact remains that at times, from their perspective, the average person probably seems to operate at the same level as a moderately to severely retarded individual seems to operate as far as the rest of us are concerned and that in turn is what makes the friendship between the two of them so special. They can understand each other in a way they have rarely --if ever-- encountered before, though I seriously doubt that either one of them has ever thought of it in those terms. You said that dealing with a man who had suffered considerable brain damage was more than a little frustrating, can you imagine having to function in a world in which that is actually the norm, in a world in which **_you_** are the exception and where very few people can fully understand you?"

"No, I can't, but I don't imagine it would be much fun," he says.

"It isn't, sir. In fact I'd say that both Sam and Daniel are remarkably well adjusted under the circumstances but that doesn't mean it's easy for them."

"I understand what you are saying but aren't you exaggerating a little here, doctor? Do you really think it's that bad?"

"I hate to say it, sir, but if there's an element of exaggeration it is in the fact that you haven't lived your whole life having to cope with that difference and that would render it that much more noticeable, just like an amputee often has a harder time coping with his disability than someone who was born with an equivalent birth defect. The problems they face may be similar but someone born with a birth defect is often able to compensate for it better. The thing is that the experience you had with your friend probably comes close to mirroring their situation. Think of it this way: for a person with an IQ of 150 a person with a normal IQ of 100 comes across as a person with an IQ of 67 does to a person with an IQ of 100. Proportionally speaking the gap is the same, as is the difficulty in bridging that gap. The point is that both Dr. Jackson and Captain Carter have to constantly dumb themselves down if they want to be understood and they are used to it, they do it almost instinctively... except when they are together. When they are together they can really be themselves, even if it's only for a little while," I say before going on.

"I've seen the look in their eyes whenever they try to explain a 'simple' theory and Colonel O'Neill tells them to shut up because he can't follow... of course, I also understand the colonel's frustration. Tell me something, sir, how many times have you heard Dr. Jackson say something along the lines of 'so you see where I'm going with this', when you don't have the first clue as to where he is going, or how many times have you heard Captain Carter say 'so you can see what the obvious conclusion of this would be', when you can't even begin to figure out how she got to wherever she is in her reasoning in the first place?"

"Yes, of course... more times than I can count. I see, so that's why you decided to rely on Dr. Jackson for this, even though he is a man and that was one of your primary objections to both Dr. Warner and Dr. MacKenzie?" he asks.

"It was one of several reasons, yes, though it wasn't just one thing," I admit. "It's true that Daniel is in a better position to understand Sam than pretty much anyone else --not to mention that he is someone I'm fairly confident she would have a **_very_** hard time trying to fool-- but then there is also the fact that they already have a solid friendship that is built on a foundation of trust. The two of them have been fighting side by side for the past eight months or so and are used to having to rely on each other in order to survive. That is not a level of trust that anyone outside SG-1 can hope to achieve, regardless of what that person's background happens to be and how many professional credentials they may have. In the end I suspect that trust is going to matter a lot more than the fact that Dr. Jackson is a man.

"Of course, in addition to that, there's also the fact that our choices were fairly limited to begin with, especially considering that Dr. MacKenzie had already been ruled out and what I said about the fact that with Cassie I couldn't really handle this myself either was yet another factor. Besides, seeing how Sam's requested that the information about this incident be limited to as few people as possible, well, it was basically either Dr. Jackson or Dr. Jackson. Still, even though he was partly chosen by default, the truth is that he may turn out to be a far more effective help in dealing with this situation than any of the more traditional approaches would be because --unlike most people-- he can actually understand how Sam thinks. The fact is that she can be somewhat hyper-rational at times and..."

"At times, doctor?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Okay, she is hyper-rational almost all the time," I agree. "The point is that that is a side of her that could easily have become a problem with a more traditional approach. I just can't imagine her trying to work with someone who insists that she should get in touch with her feelings, with someone who would almost certainly perceive her rationalizations as 'an unhealthy defense mechanism' or some other such nonsense. Daniel can understand her in that regard, he knows that's part of who she is and he knows how to handle it. That's likely to prove a determining factor here."

"That sounds good doctor, now why don't you fill me in on what you are really planning and exactly what you are up to? Somehow I get the feeling that there's a lot more to this than making sure they eat and sleep and have someone who doesn't get frustrated when they start bouncing ideas off each other," points out General Hammond and I realize that I'm going to have no choice but to explain the part of this whole thing that I had been hoping to keep to myself.

"Well, sir, remember what I said when I first got here about the fact that the traditional approach could not be used in Sam's case due to the classified nature of the SGC?" I ask.

"Yes, you mentioned that group therapy wasn't an option because... I see. You said conventional group therapy wasn't an option but you also mentioned that Captain Carter **_wasn't_** the only member of an SG team to have been raped in the line of duty. You maneuvered them so that they'd be in a position to try and help each other, didn't you?"

"Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say I maneuvered them, sir, the pieces were already there when I found them, but yes, I figured it was something I could use, especially considering the fact that using the word 'rape' around Dr. Jackson is not exactly an option," I explain. "He may be ready to acknowledge what happened to him but I don't think he is ready for the label... or for the connotations that label carries for a man."

"Remind me never to play chess with you," says the general, shaking his head.

"What can I say? I'm used to having to deal with difficult patients who insist that they don't need my help in the first place... if I've learned anything in all my years of fighting stubborn military personnel is that the direct approach is not always the best. As a result one of the things I try to do is get to know my patients as well as I can... especially those who seem to be convinced that the infirmary has some sort of frequent flyer miles program, as is the case with Dr. Jackson and the rest of SG-1. I'd like to think that I know that particular lot pretty well and that knowledge has come in handy more than once."

"Care to share some of those observations, doctor?" he pushes.

"Well, sir, when it comes to Captain Carter and Dr. Jackson, the way I see it there are a number of other similarities between the two of them that make them unusually well suited to help one another, like the fact that they are both incredibly sensitive individuals who, for one reason or another, found themselves growing up in environments in which that sensitivity was seen more as a liability than as an asset," I explain. "Captain Carter was born to a military family and, in a way, she was groomed to be a soldier from the day she was born, a situation that got worse after her mother's death. Dr. Jackson lost his parents at an early age and then found himself trying to cope with the harsh realities of the foster care system as best he could. They both managed to make it out but, especially in Sam's case, I think the conflict is just below the surface... and Daniel is one of only a handful of people around here she is willing to allow close enough to see that side of her."

"What do you mean, doctor?"

"She's going to kill me for saying this, but have you ever watched Captain Carter when someone she cares about is hurt... especially when that someone is Dr. Jackson?" I ask.

"I can't say that I have."

"Well, sir, I have," I say. "It's like it's almost painful for her to stay away, like she wants to get close and offer some physical comfort but refuses to allow herself that 'weakness'. She behaves like the perfect soldier but that is clearly more by nurture than by nature... and Daniel isn't all that different in that regard when she's the one who's been hurt, though I think a lot of that may have to do with the fact that he is actually taking his cue from her. The point is that I'm hoping that, with a little luck --and a little nudge-- we'll be able to get them both to drop their defenses for the other's sake. It's not going to be easy but I figure it's worth a shot. Besides, I have to say that Dr. Jackson's situation may well be far more complicated than it seems."

"Why do you say that, doctor?" asks the general, sounding more than a little worried.

"There are a number of things, sir, but basically because when I talked to him earlier today he said something that caught my attention. He mentioned that last night he asked Sam to stay with him because he knew what it was like to wake up from a nightmare only to find himself alone with his fears. That's what gave me the idea to have Sam stay with him for a while in the first place. If what he said is anything to go by, then Captain Carter is not the only one who is having more than her fair share of trouble sleeping, which is only natural considering what Dr. Jackson's been through recently. In the past few months not only has he had to deal with what Hathor did to him but also with the fact that his wife was taken over as the host of a Goa'uld. That means that not only is he facing the fact that he may never see her again but also there is the very real possibility that he may end up having to fight against her. That can't be easy for him but the thing is that he too has been trying to cope with that situation on his own and I'm afraid it may prove to be a bit much for him."

"So what you are saying is that you are basically putting them in a position to help each other out but you have to be sneaky about it because you **_can't_** let Dr. Jackson know that you think he may be in trouble in the first place?" asks General Hammond.

"Yes... no," I hesitate before going on. "As I said, they were already in a position to help each other, that was certainly not my doing, I'm just doing my best to close the loopholes they could have used to avoid it."

"But you think they will be fine?"

"In time," I say. "The problem is that while their natures should theoretically make it easy for the two of them to connect and help each other out, their upbringings are bound to get in their way so that's likely to be a struggle. They are both stubborn, independent and they refuse to rely on anyone else as a self-defense mechanism, and that is not something that will be easy for either one of them to overcome. Still, I'm all but certain that each one of them is the best shot the other has right now. The thing is that they are both my friends and I'm having a hard time using them as guinea pigs. As I said, this is definitely **_not_** my field.

"What we are doing here, I can't be sure it's going to work, I can't promise it's not going to backfire but at the same time I really don't feel we have a choice... not with the resources currently available at the SGC. That's another reason why I think having someone who specializes on these situations around here on a semi-permanent basis may be a good idea... of course, I am also aware that there's probably no one with experience on 'these situations' to begin with. I mean, we are talking about a job that includes counseling people who travel to other planets via a controlled wormhole, helping them cope with the fallout of whatever those planets throw at them, not to mention helping people who have seen their friends and loved ones being taken over by parasitic aliens... and that is just the tip of the iceberg. There's also the occasional group of aliens who are here for a short period of time before being relocated after having survived the destruction of everything they had ever known, or children who have..." I trail off.

"You are thinking about Cassandra, aren't you, doctor?"

"Well, yes, she is a perfect example of the kind of thing any 'specialist' would have to deal with, isn't she? I mean, I'm doing everything I can to help her but the fact remains that she is a little girl who saw the entire population of her own world being annihilated and who had a bomb implanted in her chest. She is a girl who was almost abandoned to die alone in a bunker and is now trying to cope with life on what is literally an alien world while trying to keep those around her from noticing that she doesn't belong, while trying to convince people she is from Toronto. Let's face it, she may have had the small comfort that Sam refused to leave her alone in that bunker but still, that had to be a pretty traumatic experience... and after all that she has to deal with the aftermath alone because there is no one with the qualifications and the clearance to help her. What are we supposed to do, send her to Dr. MacKenzie?" I ask.

"You really don't like him much, do you, doctor?" asks the general.

"To be perfectly honest, sir, I think he is competent in his field but he is **_way_** out of his depth here," I admit. "The problem is that he is too by the book and that means he is **_not_** well fitted to deal with the kinds of things we are bound to encounter out there, simply because there can be no book to guide him. His first reaction when confronted with a new problem is to approach it 'the usual way' and I'm afraid it is only a matter of time before 'the usual way' gets us in some **_real_** trouble. The truth is that around here we must deal with situations that cause us to have to improvise constantly and that is not something he handles gracefully. What we need here is someone who can think on his feet and Dr. MacKenzie isn't it... and, to make matters worse, most of the personnel know it. I know there is a certain reluctance that is to be expected from military personnel when it comes to dealing with psychologists and so on but around here the man is basically dreaded and, even though he is competent, that is bound to lessen his effectiveness even in the best of cases. The thing is that even though I can order someone to see him, that is of no use if that someone doesn't trust him... and that's one of my main problems right now with Captain Carter. I could **_order_** her to talk to him but that would do more harm than good and that is frustrating... not to mention unnecessary.

"The thing is that while I understand that there is no manual for most of the things we are dealing with here and I'm more than willing to improvise whenever necessary, sometimes I find myself having to improvise when I **_shouldn't_** have to... and Dr. MacKenzie has a role to play in quite a few of those instances. This situation with Sam is a perfect example of that fact because, even though there are a number of classified aspects that make it all but impossible for her to get help elsewhere, the bottom line is that her experience is not nearly as **_unique_** as most of the things we deal with around here. Unfortunately rape **_is_** a common enough problem and there **_is_** a well established course of action, but in this instance the thing that stands in the way of that course of action is the captain's mistrust of Dr. MacKenzie... that and the man's inability to understand the concept of human emotions as anything but neurochemical reactions. That's why I want to have a specialist brought in, because the sad fact is that Captain Carter is unlikely to be the only member of an SG team that is going to require some sort of support at one point or another. As far as I'm concerned, this incident's just been our wake up call and I'm afraid this is not going to be the last time we are going to have to get creative in order to get someone some sort of help. There are no textbooks for what we are dealing with and, to be perfectly honest, I have no real use for a 'by the book' doctor here."

"Well, doctor, welcome to my world," says the general.

"What do you mean, sir?" I ask, caught slightly off-guard by his comment.

"Do you have any idea of how many times I've found myself trying to strike some sort of balance between established procedures that were written to deal with situations that are native to this world and the reality of the things we find out there?" he asks with a resigned smile.

**_

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Author's note:_** Okay guys not much of a note this time around, just me saying thank you for your reviews. I really appreciate them!

Alec


	21. Chapter 21: A Friend's Burden

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 21: A Friend's Burden  
(Hammond's POV)

I'm waiting for Sam to come in, even as I try to gather my thoughts and figure out what the heck am I supposed to say now. I've spent the past couple of hours with both Dr. Jackson and Dr. Fraiser going over this mess from every single angle those two could come up with and the truth is that I still don't have a clue. I know that for the time being there can be no changes in terms of Captain Carter's role here at the SGC, both Dr. Fraiser and Dr. Jackson were quite clear on why that would be a really bad idea --and I have to admit that they made some pretty good points-- but other than that the situation is still far more complicated than I care to think about.

As I told Dr. Fraiser, there's very little in Air Force manuals and regulations that actually applies to interstellar travel. We are writing the book as we go here and this is yet another example of just how easily our ignorance can lead to disaster. I know Dr. Jackson is not to blame for what's happened, even if he thinks he is. I know that at the time he did the best he could with the information he had available to him but that does nothing to change the fact that, if things had been handled differently, the outcome could also have been affected... for better or for worse.

Yes, what happened was bad enough but at least Captain Carter is alive... we've lost enough people for me to know that we don't exactly live in a friendly galaxy and that the dangers we face go beyond anything I could possibly have imagined when I was first assigned to this position.

In a way it's strange to think that that was only a few months ago. Back then it all seemed so simple. Send a very big bomb through to Abydos and problem solved... or so I thought.

It took me a while to even begin to understand what it was that we were up against... and in a way I'm not sure I understand it even now. Just as soon as I start thinking that I've got a grip on the situation something changes, a new player enters the game, another enemy makes itself known, another threat becomes apparent... or we get a reminder that out there not all things are what they seem and that it is not only our enemies that we have to worry about.

The point is that right now I am trying to figure out what to do about a situation that should have been reported many months ago... though apparently one of the reasons why it wasn't was due to our own shortsightedness back in the beginning. Yes, I know I'm not getting the full story of just **_why_** this wasn't reported, but the truth is that the arguments that have been made by both Dr. Jackson and Dr. Fraiser with regard to the fact that at the time the infirmary was anything but properly staffed to handle this situation are valid ones. Heck, back then the infirmary wasn't properly staffed to treat anything more serious than a sprained ankle!

When we first started this thing we had no idea we would be walking into a war zone and the infirmary was staffed and conditioned to take care of little more than minor injuries... it was definitely **_not_** staffed for heavy casualties. Even Dr. Nimzicki, our original CMO, was a promising young man who had virtually **_no_** experience when it came to dealing with complicated cases... and that lack of experience probably contributed to him becoming one of our first casualties. Kawalski being taken over by a Goa'uld was our wake up call but it still took almost a month for things to get truly sorted out after that particular mess... and SG-1's mission to Simarka fell right in the middle of that reorganization.

The problem is that even though that can explain why this situation went undetected for as long as it did, it doesn't make it any less of a failure. We do a dangerous job here and the infirmary is the one place in which these mistakes simply cannot happen, it is the one place in which things **_can't_** be overlooked. I know that the situation has been corrected and I'm confident that Dr. Fraiser **_will_** make sure that even the tiniest loophole is closed when it comes to dealing with similar incidents in the future, but that is of little comfort as I try to figure out how to deal with the fallout from this one.

At least the immediate course of action appears to be clear. Both Dr. Jackson and Dr. Fraiser agree that separating Captain Carter from SG-1 would be a bad idea and I'm inclined to go along with their recommendation. That takes care of one problem... unfortunately that is only **_one_** problem. A far more complex one has to do with the fact that Dr. Jackson made a valid point when he said that, even though we may be uncomfortable with some of the things women may face as members of off-world teams, we are also bound to find situations in which their absence would be detrimental --if not downright crippling-- for this command. That means that there is no way around the need to have them involved, no way to keep them safe. Of course, the truth is that, if our encounter with Hathor taught us anything at all, it is that --whether we like it or not-- out there our men are just as vulnerable as our women and our preconceptions are **_not_** going to help us.

Our enemies don't play by our rules and that is something that may trip us time and time again. We are the new kids on the galactic block and we are just beginning to figure out what the lay of the land really is and that means we need every advantage we can get... of course, all of that can wait. Right now my top priority is to figure out the best way to help Captain Carter, unfortunately, as is too often the case when it comes to operations that don't officially exist, that is easier said than done. As Dr. Fraiser pointed out, bringing in a specialist is out of the question, at least in the short term, and our resident psychologist is not an option. That means that the situation will have to be handled in a **_creative_** fashion... and boy, is **_creative_** one word to describe what goes on around here!

I run a base where, in a pinch, a box of tissues can be used to replace a probe that costs almost a hundred thousand times more... and the strangest thing is that the people at the Pentagon --the same people who are so obsessed with budgets, dollars and cents-- would throw a fit at the use of that box of tissues because it's not 'standard procedure'. So, yes, I understand what Dr. Fraiser means when she says that she has no use for a by-the-book psychologist here, just like I don't have much use for a by-the-book anything. Around here by-the-book people have an uncanny tendency to wind up dead, that was the first lesson I learned when I took over this command.

In that regard I find myself in a position similar to the one faced by Dr. Fraiser. I too need people who can think on their feet and I suspect that is one of the main reasons why SG-1 has been so successful. They follow their gut and they are willing to make decisions based on what they believe is right... perhaps a little **_too_** willing. They are by far my best team and I don't intend to lose it to this situation, not if there's any way in hell to avoid it.

In the end I guess it all boils down to the fact that I have no choice but to trust that both Dr. Fraiser and Dr. Jackson will do their best to make sure Captain Carter gets over her experiences in Simarka, even if they both acknowledge that they are ill equipped to deal with this situation, that this is far from their field of expertise. Well, at least they do have an advantage in the fact that they both know her fairly well, especially Dr. Jackson, and she actually trusts them. Knowing Sam, I am all too aware that that's **_not_** something that can be said of many people. In fact I suspect that that trust is likely to be a critical factor in this whole thing, especially seeing how she can be incredibly stubborn when she wants to be... even if by all outward appearances she always maintains perfect military protocol. Having sort of figured that one out --not that I **_hadn't_** figured it before-- I have no choice but to turn my attention back to my current predicament, the one I've been desperately trying to avoid: the fact that I don't even have the first clue of what to say here, how to handle this and what to do.

I hate to admit it but this is something that's always made me feel somewhat uncomfortable around female officers and Sam is no exception in that regard. With my men it's simple enough, if I'm not in CO mode I call them 'son' and I know that they'll understand just what I mean by that. Heck, I think I've even called Teal'c 'son' a time or two by now, but somehow I get the feeling that calling Sam 'daughter' here would be a really bad idea... and of course, as if that weren't enough, there's also her father for me to worry about.

I know this is the military, not grade school, but still I can help but think that Jacob is going to kill me for this one... not that I blame him. The bottom line is that I'm Sam's CO and this happened on my watch. I know that if it had been one of my daughters I would most definitely want to... but it wasn't my daughter, it was his.

The point is that when he hears about this, Jacob is not going to be pleased and, as his friend, that puts me in an even more uncomfortable position. I know it's not my place to tell him anything but I also know that if I don't say anything, when he hears about this --and I have no doubt that sooner or later he **_will_** hear about this-- he is going to be furious because I kept it from him.

In other words, no matter how I look at it, this is a disaster, one I'm afraid I'm going to have to find a way to deal with sometime in the next three seconds, seeing how Captain Carter is knocking on my door.

* * *

**_Author's note_**: Hi guys, first of all, thank you for your reviews, they are really appreciated and I'm glad you liked my take on the nature of Daniel and Sam's friendship. Also, I've gone back and added a couple of 'percents'. Unfortunately I hadn't realized that the percent sign is not allowed here on and that caused some problems. Finally, I know this is a short chapter but when I tried to add to it it just felt artificially long. 

Anyway thanks for reading and please review,

Alec


	22. Chapter 22: He Knows

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 22: He Knows...  
(Sam's POV)

I'm worried,... no, I'm not just worried, I'm downright petrified but I know I can't afford to let it show. This is it. This is the moment I've been dreading ever since we came back from Simarka... though up until yesterday I was still hoping that this whole thing could be avoided, now I know that is no longer an option.

I'm about to confront General Hammond... and he knows. That is the thought that keeps running through my mind. He knows and I don't have a clue of what he's going to do about it. I know both Daniel and Janet said that they would try to talk him out of having me reassigned but somehow I'm still not sure they'll succeed... and even if they do, things are still bound to change. There's absolutely nothing I can do to prevent **_that_**.

What I do know is that the next few minutes are **_not_** going to be pleasant... 'not pleasant', now **_that's_** an understatement. My life as I know it is basically on the line and that's the best I can come up with?

Okay, so maybe I should try to approach this whole thing rationally. What do I know about the situation I'm about to walk into? The truth is that not much. I know General Hammond is **_not_** going to be happy, I know Janet and Daniel have already talked to him but I have no idea of what they told him... maybe I should have asked them this morning but I didn't even think about it. I had too many things running through my mind --kind of like I do now-- and I hate it. It's like I can't even think clearly and that is incredibly frustrating.

I've worked so hard to get to where I am... not just in terms of rank or position but also in terms of respect and that is the thing I know I'm about to lose here, no matter what happens, no matter what the general decides. I know that from this day forward both General Hammond and Colonel O'Neill are going to look at me differently, I know they'll never see me as a soldier again. I could even see a change earlier today on both Daniel and Janet's faces... and both of them have always seen me as a friend rather than as anything else. Sure, they were both trying to act as if nothing had changed... but the truth is that, in that regard, they were both failing miserably. The thing is that from now on I'm going to have the label of 'victim' attached to me --even if no one dares say it out loud-- and there's nothing I can do to change that. It doesn't matter that this whole thing happened months ago and that I've basically managed to keep it from having a major impact on my life.

Of course, the fact that this whole thing went down seven months ago doesn't change the fact that I messed up, so maybe I do deserve to lose their respect after all... maybe I do deserve to have them see me as someone who couldn't even keep herself safe. I'm a soldier and as a soldier I failed, there's no denying that. What happened in Simarka should never have been allowed to happen and I know it.

I know I handled the whole situation poorly. I messed up from the moment I was reckless enough to go to sleep in that tent with no back up, to the moment in which I blew my chances to get away by trying to steal one of Turghan's horses, to my insistence on challenging him after I'd been captured... well, maybe not that. I really couldn't let someone else be punished for my actions.

The thing is that this morning --while Daniel was talking to Janet and while I was trying to kill some time waiting for General Hammond to summon me-- I had time to think of what's coming... and oddly enough what I found is that, even though I could have handled the whole situation in Simarka better, the way in which things have unfolded since our return is probably the best I could have hoped for.

I mean, so what if it's not ideal? It's true that I would have preferred to have been able to keep this whole situation to myself, but --short of that-- I have to say that this is probably a best case scenario. At least I've had an opportunity to prove myself, to demonstrate that I can keep doing my job in spite of what's happened. The thing is that I'm still not particularly comfortable with what I'm going to have to do now to minimize the fallout from Simarka. Unfortunately there is no turning back in that regard, not any more.

I know Daniel's idea of blaming my silence on the absence of female personnel is probably my best bet, and, seeing how Janet decided to go along with him, chances are that that idea actually makes sense from a medical perspective. The problem is that I am still uncomfortable with the whole concept of blaming my choices and my mistakes on Dr. Warner. Sure, Daniel promised that they'd find some way to work around **_that_**, something that would ensure Dr. Warner **_wouldn't_** get in trouble because of what I did, but I just don't see how they intend to do that. Besides, even if they can somehow manage to pull it off, that partial truth still feels too much like lying for comfort. Of course, it's not like changing my mind this late in the game is an option.

I agreed to go along with this and I can't back down now, not without getting both Daniel and Janet in trouble for covering for me in the first place, but the truth is that I am having second --and third, and fourth-- thoughts about this whole thing.

In the end I know my hesitation doesn't really matter, not any more. Things have already been set in motion and there's nothing I can do to stop this now. That's why General Hammond summoned me to his office, that's why I'm dreading knocking on his door: because he knows and there's nothing I can do to change that.

* * *

"Well, captain, I've spent most of my morning talking to both Dr. Fraiser and Dr. Jackson, trying to figure out what am I supposed to do about your situation and I have to say that you've put me in a rather difficult position here," he says as soon as he sees me.

"I'm sorry, sir," I reply, knowing just how meaningless those words are.

"Now, I've been told that your reaction when you decided to conceal what had happened was not entirely unexpected, not considering the situation you encountered in the infirmary upon your return, and because of that you will be allowed to remain a member of SG-1, however there will also be a few conditions that you will have to meet to make that happen," he warns me.

"Yes, sir," I say, feeling incredibly relieved to hear that, even though I know this is just the beginning... even though I know this is far from over.

"Good, now, first of all, for the next two weeks SG-1 will be on stand down," he informs me.

"Is that really necessary, sir? I'm fine," I say, feeling somewhat uneasy at the prospect. Two weeks on stand down for no apparent reason are going to be more than enough to let everyone know that there's **_something_** going on and the rumors are bound to start flying. That is **_not_** something I'm looking forward to.

"Yes, it is necessary. Even if you are 'fine' --and I'm far from convinced that that's really the case-- your team will need some time to come to terms with this new information. You've had seven months to try to come to grips with what happened to you, they haven't. They believed they had gotten to you in time and it's going to take them a while to accept that they didn't. In addition to that there's the fact that Dr. Fraiser has informed me that you've requested **_not_** to have to meet with the base's psychologist. That is **_not_** standard procedure and if that exception is going to be granted I'm going to have to see some concrete evidence that I'm not putting you or your team in jeopardy by agreeing to that request," he says, sounding more than a little angry.

I'm still wondering how to answer to that one when he goes on.

"Dr. Fraiser seems to be particularly concerned by the fact that you are having some trouble sleeping and has issued some instructions to help you get over that problem," he says.

"Instructions, sir?" I ask, trying to keep the fear out of my voice. Up until now things had been going as well as I could possibly have hoped for, even if I'm less than thrilled by the fact that we are on stand down... unfortunately I suspect everything is about to go downhill fast now.

"Yes. For starters she doesn't want you to be on your own for at least the next two weeks. She's made arrangements for you to stay with Dr. Jackson and..."

"With all due respect, sir, I don't see how that's any of her business," I interrupt, unable to contain myself any longer.

"It may well be none of her business but those are her terms, you may take them or leave them, captain," says the general, leaving no room for argument.

"I'll take them, but could I at least suggest that Dr. Jackson stay with me rather than the other way around?" I ask.

"And why is that?"

"Well, sir, as I'm sure you know, last night he insisted that I stay with him. He was a perfect gentleman and he volunteered to take the couch. The thing is that he lives in a one bedroom apartment and that is bound to complicate matters. I have a guest room he can use and I don't feel comfortable with the idea of kicking him out of his own bed for that length of time," I explain.

"I see. Okay, I think that can be arranged," he agrees, "however, for the time being you will also be limited to no more than fourteen hours a day here at the base and you won't be allowed to work more than six days a week. I am aware that that's more than an average workweek but Dr. Fraiser seems to think that it is still considerably less than the number of hours you usually spend here."

"It's just that sometimes my experiments don't fit within such a limited timeframe and..." I try to explain, even though I know it's not likely to get me anywhere.

"I don't want to hear it, captain. Once again that's an order and it's non-negotiable, so I suggest that you arrange things so that your experiments **_do_** fit within that timeframe," he insists.

"Yes, sir."

"I know you are not happy about any of this so let me repeat what I told Dr. Jackson and Dr. Fraiser," he goes on. "You are to cooperate fully with them. If at any time you feel that this situation is getting out of hand you are to ask for help and if I feel that you are not keeping your end of the bargain and being truthful with them --or if I feel that they are trying to cover for you-- I will revise my decision, you will be ordered to see Dr. MacKenzie and you will be pulled from active duty until he is satisfied that you are fit, do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir," I say, deeply relieved to hear him confirm that I have escaped MacKenzie's clutches... at least for the time being.

"I don't want to do it, I don't want to have to separate you from your team, you do understand that, don't you?" asks the general, sounding almost concerned and throwing me **_way_** off kilter.

"Yes, sir it's just that..." I trail off.

"It's just that what?" he prods.

"Permission to speak freely, sir," I say, knowing that I may well be about to dig my own grave here.

"Go ahead," he says, giving me a slight nod.

"It's just that I've been performing my duties without incident for the past seven months and now all of a sudden I feel like I'm not trusted, sir," I explain, trying --and failing-- to keep my frustration out of my voice.

"But you are trusted, captain," he points out. "We trust you to perform your duties but we won't allow you to do it if it's at the expense of your own well being, that's what this is all about. This is not about keeping you away, it's about putting you first. This is about giving you the time to rest and regroup as you should have had it seven months ago. The bottom line is that you are a key member of your team and I want that team functioning at one hundred percent."

"So if I go to bed when I'm told, and I promise to eat my vegetables, I will be allowed to keep on doing my job?" I mutter, unable to keep myself from saying the words. I know I'm way out of line here --and giving the general a fair amount of ammo to use against me-- but I can't help it. This is the 'special treatment' I've been dreading all these months.

"Well, there are two other things you will be expected to do, one of them is an order, the other is a request," he explains.

"Sir?" I ask, feeling more than a little perplexed and wondering what he is getting at.

"First of all, based on what happened on Simarka, Dr. Jackson is going to be working on putting together a set of guidelines --a sort of manual if you will-- intended to prevent another such situation from arising. From what I gathered, he wants to combine some basic information about the role of women throughout human history with some suggestions on how to effectively deal with the descendants of some ancients civilizations in those instances in which the presence of a woman in an SG team turns out to be an issue, and he wants to organize it in such a way that it can actually be used in the field. He has specifically requested your help in putting those guidelines together."

"Yes, sir, but I'm an astrophysicist, not an anthropologist," I remind him.

"I am well aware of that fact, as is Dr. Jackson, but the fact is that you are also the woman with the most practical experience in terms of going through the gate and facing first contact situations," he reminds me. "That means you are the one best suited to help him turn this project into something that actually relates to what female members of SG teams are likely to encounter out there. Dr. Jackson may have the knowledge but he doesn't have the experience and he knows it, that's where you come in."

"So you won't be banning women from SG teams?" I blurt out.

"Of course not, but that doesn't mean that I don't intend to take all the steps I can think of to avoid another Simarka," he says.

"I guess I understand, sir."

"Good, that was the request. Now, in addition to that I also want you to submit an updated report of what happened on that planet. There is no hurry but I do want it on my desk before I allow SG-1 to go through the gate, and that's an order, captain."

"A report, sir?" I ask, not liking the sound of that in the least.

"Just the basic facts, there's no need for more detail than you are comfortable with, captain. Just a report that includes the information you should have provided if this incident had been handled properly from the beginning. I realize that at least part of this problem can be traced back to an oversight in the early days of this command but that situation has already been rectified. In addition to that there's the fact that Dr. Fraiser will be instituting some new procedures to make sure that no one else has to deal with something like this on their own and in order for her to be able to do that we really need that information," he insists.

"Yes, sir, I understand," I say, knowing better than to argue.

"I know the next few days are not going to be easy for you, captain, and I realize you are not exactly thrilled with some of the decisions I've made here, but I can promise you that every effort will be made to see you through this difficult time," he says, and something in the way he phrases that one sounds odd somehow, at least to my ears. I think about it for a moment and then I realize what's going on.

"Janet... Dr. Fraiser... she told you about the staff weapon, didn't she?" I ask, feeling myself blush. I thought she was kidding when she said she'd tell the general!

"Oh yes, and I understand why you are worried. I won't lie to you: even though I'll do my best to keep this information contained to just the five of us who either know what happened or absolutely need to know, the truth is that you can expect a bit of a special treatment over the next few days from your teammates. That is something I'm afraid you are just going to have to deal with," he warns me.

"I figured that much, sir, but I'm fine, really, I just wish I could make them understand that. I mean, I admit that what happened wasn't fun but it could have been a lot worse than it was and I know it. As far as lessons go, this was a hard one, I won't deny that, but I'm not about to let Turghan win. I won't let him dictate how I live my life," I say.

"I see... well, just remember that there's no shame in asking for help, captain. You have a team that is more than willing to back you up, you just have to let them," he reminds me.

"I'll keep that in mind, sir," I say, hoping to be excused but knowing that it's not my place to ask.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, first of all thank you for your reviews, they are truly appreciated. Also, I know this chapter seems kind of weird at times but hopefully it will make more sense when the next one is posted.

Take care and keep reviewing!

Alec


	23. Chapter 23: It's a Beautiful Day

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 23: It's a Beautiful Day  
(Hammond's POV)

Well, it seems to me like I'm running head first into the Great Wall of Jacob here, not that I'm particularly surprised by that one. I mean, the man is a good friend and I **_know_** that deep down he loves his kids to pieces --I should know, I've lost count of how many times he's called me since I took over this command to ask how 'his Sammie' is doing-- but he's never been able to tell them that. Jacob never learned to leave his uniform at the door, he never really learned how to let go of his military persona to be just a dad... and I suspect that right now I'm dealing with the consequences of that.

The bottom line is that even to this day Sam Carter --while there is no denying that she is an extremely competent officer-- can't tell the difference between pity and concern if her life depended on it... and the fact that she obviously came in here expecting the worst is not exactly helping matters either. No matter what I say, she is bound to take it the wrong way. The problem is that I don't have the first clue as to what I can possibly do to get past her defenses.

Even though I'd run across Sam a couple of times before I was assigned to this position, the truth is that I never really took the time to get to know her. The first time we met she was fourteen and we barely said two words to one another. At the time she had her nose in a book and I was just another one of her dad's military friends... just like I saw her as just another teenaged kid I never even thought would some day be under my command. Our second encounter was at her mother's funeral, one year later... and less than a year after that she went off to college and then she entered the Academy.

In other words, while I've been aware of her since she was little more than a child, I don't really know her anywhere near well enough to know what am I supposed to say here, though I have to admit that Dr. Fraiser was probably right when she pointed out that Sam was groomed to be a soldier from the day she was born... and she was also almost certainly right when she said that that grooming may well have gone **_against_** her true nature.

Sam may act like the perfect officer but you'd have to be blind not to notice that she is far more comfortable with an equation than with a P-90... of course, it's not like she can't hold her own in a fight, far from it. In fact even in Simarka, when she was given a fighting chance, she managed to defeat Turghan... and I guess in the end that is what the question of whether or not she should be allowed to remain where she is boils down to.

The thing is that even though I know what am I supposed to do in the future, even though I know there's no real reason for me to pull her from SG-1, that doesn't mean I know what am I supposed to do **_now_**. What I do know is that Sam is still feeling terribly uncomfortable about this whole encounter and I'm not doing much better. This is not a situation I was prepared to deal with and the truth is that I'd take the Goa'uld any day. I'm a military man and I definitely prefer those enemies I can kill.

In that regard I really miss being on the front lines, though I know that's no longer an option. I'm not young enough, I'm not fit enough, and there's no denying that. That means that if I want to keep on fighting I have to do so from a distance, I have to do so from behind a desk... and that distance has its own set of problems, problems I'm not sure I'm equipped to handle. Yes, I do enjoy my current position, I love the SGC, I think it is the best command in the world --and there's no way I'd ever give it up-- and up until a few hours ago I **_thought_** I was doing reasonably well, but the truth is that there are some aspects of my position here that still cause me to feel more than a little lost and this has been a rather painful reminder of that fact.

Of course, the fact that I'm uncomfortable with this whole situation doesn't mean I can avoid dealing with it. Avoidance is a luxury I don't have so I suck in a deep breath and pray that I won't mess this one up too badly.

"Sam," I say, trying to be gentle, hoping that the use of her first name will allow her to relax, at least a little, "you do realize that no one blames you for what's happened, don't you?"

"Yes, sir," she says, though somehow I'm still not sure I'm getting through to her... in fact I'm pretty sure I'm not and that is frustrating the hell out of me.

"Relax, captain, you are not in trouble here," I insist.

"But, sir, I..." she trails off and I **_finally_** realize what's going on.

"I know this is a difficult situation but you are not alone here... and you have nothing to fear," I say, point blank, seeing how subtlety isn't going to cut it this time around... which is fine by me because subtlety's never really been my thing.

"I know, sir," she says, though it is obviously a lie. She is afraid but not so much because of Turghan, she is afraid because of me. That is the realization I'm suddenly being confronted with.

I really should have seen that one coming. I mean, we may be trying to help her here but I suspect that no matter what we do or what we say, she will see all of our efforts as a sort of probation. If she messes up she'll have to talk to MacKenzie, if she messes up she'll be pulled from active duty. We may be thinking of what's best for her but from her perspective all those are punishments to be feared and that is a problem we are going to have to overcome.

I know Dr. Jackson and Dr. Fraiser are far better equipped to deal with this situation than I am but the fact remains that I am her commanding officer and that means I can't wash my hands off of this one... and that in turn is definitely giving me a deeper understanding of the concerns both Dr. Jackson and Dr. Fraiser have expressed in terms of this **_not_** being their field. This is a delicate situation, I know that much, but we will have no choice but to try our best here, all of us... whether we are ready or not.

I shake my head as I realize that I've gotten somewhat distracted and that Sam is still waiting for me to say something... now if only I could be sure of what that **_something_** should be.

"I mean, yes, what happened on that planet should have been reported right away, there's no denying that, but I understand why it wasn't," I say, trying to explain, but I'm still not quite sure of how to phrase things.

I know why it wasn't reported and I know it wasn't just because of Dr. Warner. Sam was worried about how the rest of us were going to react... and the worst part is that somehow I'm not sure there's anything I can say to reassure her. In fact, if I am to be perfectly honest with myself, I can't even pretend that her concerns were unfounded.

What would I have done if I had found out about this back then? I don't know --in fact I'm grateful that I won't ever have to find out-- though one thing is for sure: avoiding MacKenzie wouldn't have been an option, not back then... and I suspect discretion too would have been out of the question. Sure, no one would have said anything, at least not openly, but that's not the point.

The point is that back then we wouldn't have had to say anything, it would have gotten out anyway. If Sam had been pulled from active duty immediately after Simarka it wouldn't have taken long for everyone around here to figure out exactly what had happened... especially because her confrontation with Turghan was public knowledge.

Well, at least I don't have to worry about that, not now... though the problems this whole situation is bound to entail are more than enough as far as I'm concerned. Right now I just want to make it through this little encounter without making matters worse for her, then maybe I'll have time to think things through.

I mean, this is **_not_** the time for me to be doing this, I can't afford to get distracted but I'm having more than my fair share of trouble trying to keep my mind on the here and now. In fact, for the second time in less than a minute, I've caught my mind wondering when I should have been paying attention to what is going on around me, as Sam is answering to my previous comment.

"Thank you, sir," she says and I find myself growing increasingly frustrated. I know she's not trying to be difficult here but I still can get her past the 'yes, sir', 'no, sir' mode... and I don't think that's going to change any time soon. Maybe I should try to talk to her off-base while she is off duty and somewhat more relaxed, but somehow I suspect that even that wouldn't be quite so simple.

To begin with, for me to do that would be seen as out of character and she would almost certainly react accordingly, especially considering how defensive she seems to be feeling right now. Well, at least for the time being the fact is that there's nothing more I can do and all my attempts at getting her to understand that I'm **_not_** the enemy are unlikely to get me anywhere.

Sam walked in here convinced that she was going to find herself in trouble and anything I say she is likely to perceive as either a reprimand or a sign of pity... and even I can tell that she doesn't need either of those things.

In other words, there's just no way I can win here, there's nothing I can say or do to make this better so I might as well let her go... of course, the downside to dismissing Sam is that once she is gone I'm going to find myself all out of excuses.

Once she is out of my office I'm going to have no choice but to tackle informing Colonel O'Neill of this whole mess and that is something I'm definitely **_not_** looking forward to. Somehow I suspect that this whole thing is not going to go over particularly well with Jack, though at least I'm going to have the backup of Dr. Fraiser on that one. That is a small comfort, I know, but right now I think I'll take whatever comfort I can get.

... And to think that my first thought when I woke up this morning was that it looked like it was going to be a beautiful day.

**_Author's notes:_** Hi guys, okay, there's not much for me to say right now except to thank you for your reviews... as always, they are deeply appreciated.

Alec


	24. Chapter 24: Silent Defiance

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 24: Silent Defiance  
(Daniel's POV)

I can see she's fuming the moment she walks into my office and I realize almost immediately that her talk with General Hammond didn't exactly go as she had been hoping it would. I know he must have informed her that she's moving in with me for the time being and I certainly understand that she is not happy about that... not that I expected her to be. I realize that both Janet and General Hammond feel the need to do **_something_** about this whole situation, the problem is that I'm not sure if pushing Sam is the **_right_** thing for them to do. Knowing I have to say something before she explodes I ask, "so, how did it go?"

"They don't trust me," she says with a resigned sigh.

"Why do you say that, Sam?"

"You know they wanted me to move in with you for a while?"

"Wanted? You managed to talk them out of it?" I ask, not quite believing my ears. After all, Janet did sound pretty adamant about that one.

"Not exactly... it looks like you'll be moving in with me instead," she explains. "I won't kick you out of your bed for two whole weeks."

"Umm, Sam, how am I supposed to sleep in my bed when I'm staying at your place?" I ask with a smile, wondering if that is such a good idea... and wondering what am I supposed to do about Schroedinger.

"Okay, wrong phrasing, I meant that at least at my place you won't have to take the couch because I actually have a guest room... and it's not so much you I'm mad at, it's more about them telling me to eat my vegetables and that I have to be home by curfew. They are treating me like I'm six!"

"Actually, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think that one is just about this particular situation and it's probably not entirely about you either."

"What do you mean?"

"How long has Janet been here?"

"Almost seven months, why?"

"And how long has she been nagging you that you must eat properly, sleep eight hours a night and limit your intake of coffee to less than half a gallon or some such nonsense... even if she is as bad as you are in that regard?" I ask.

"About six and a half months... it took her a few days to get settled, I guess."

"Yes, well, you are not the only one," I tell her. "She's been on my case almost from the beginning and I suspect that when this whole situation came up she saw a chance to force that agenda and she ran with it. You were kind of at her mercy already and by making me 'responsible' for making sure you keep your schedule, that you eat and sleep regularly, she figured it would be a two birds, one stone kind of deal... and I'm guessing the temptation was too much for her to resist."

"Of all the sneaky..." she growls before she trails off.

"I know," I agree.

"They are holding my position in SG-1 hostage."

"I know, Sam, and I'm not saying it's fair... of course if Janet is going to be sneaky, well, two --or in this case three-- can play that game," I tell her with a smile.

"What are you planning?"

"You said it last night: being an astrophysicist you can't exactly take your work home..."

"So?" she prods with some curiosity.

"So, did General Hammond mention my request to ask you to help me put together some guidelines for female personnel who find themselves dealing with male-dominated societies that are openly hostile toward women?" I ask.

"Yes... do you really think it will help?"

"Maybe in some cases, especially in a situation similar to the one we encountered in Simarka. The way I see it, it can't really hurt and it may actually come in handy. If nothing else it should make it possible for women to be aware of what kinds of risks they may be taking when they walk through that gate and to decide whether or not those risks are worth taking from their individual perspectives. I know you've made your choice and I respect it but I must admit I am worried that by making that choice you may have denied someone else the opportunity to do the same... and that someone might have made a different one," I explain before going on.

"Don't get me wrong, I understand why you felt the need to keep quiet but I'm hoping this will at least give others the basis they need to make an informed decision on their own... and though we'll be focusing mostly on women the truth is that I'm just as worried about the men who join the SGC, but that's a different story. Anyway, the point is that by working on those guidelines we should be able to provide that information discreetly **_without_** revealing any details of what happened to you on that planet."

"Do you really think it will work?" asks Sam, sounding almost hopeful.

"To tell you the truth I don't know. It should, but seeing how the prevalent military mentality seems to be that a sense of self-preservation is a sign of weakness no one will ever admit to, the truth is that I'm not sure... but in spite of that I still think it's worth a shot. Besides the fact is that what Turghan threatened you with worries me... especially because it's not part of what should have been his culture. It is an Egyptian tradition that was probably acquired through their contact with the Goa'uld who were heavily influenced by Ancient Egypt... and if that's the case then the practice may well turn out to be widespread."

"I know," she says, rather reluctantly.

"The point is that that is something we can't ignore."

"I guess it makes sense... the truth is that I never really thought much about how my decision was likely to affect others beyond the fact that I didn't want the general to close the doors of SG teams to women... I never thought I might be jeopardizing someone else," she explains.

"I know... you had to make a difficult choice in a split second and I think it was the right one at the time, but maybe by doing this we'll be enabling others to make a different one, so you're in?" I ask.

"I'm in," she agrees.

"Good because that means we may get a little side benefit."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you may be unable to take your work home but I can certainly bring mine along and since I want you to help me and we've pretty much been ordered to stick together..." I trail off, letting her fill in the rest.

"So you won't play the part of Janet's enforcer, even if she's making you stay with me?"

"Of course not, and both Janet and General Hammond know it. Sure, we can't overdo it if we don't want to get in trouble, but that restriction of fourteen hours a day with one day off a week does seem a little too... artificial... for comfort, and adding this project on top of that --while important-- would cut into our regular work even further," I explain. "This way we still get as many hours as they will allow us here at the base to do our work and then, once we go home, we can work on those guidelines after-hours. All we will need is a computer and maybe half a dozen books from my place... besides it is a research that's right along the lines of what you told me you are already doing on your own so we would just be organizing things. As for Janet **_making me_** stay with you, I must confess that she may have gotten the idea from something I said about **_why_** I asked you to stay with me last night in the first place," I confess.

"What exactly did you say, Daniel?" asks Sam, sounding more than a little worried.

"That I didn't want you to have to wake up alone if you had a nightmare."

"I can handle it," she says.

"I have no doubt about that but the fact that you can doesn't mean you should have to... not when you have a choice," I tell her before going on. "You know my parents died when I was a kid, don't you?"

"Yes, why?"

"Well, after that I kept having nightmares," I admit. "I was living in foster homes at the time and no one really gave a damn about it. For years I used to wake up almost every night terrified and then I'd spend hours trying **_not_** to go back to sleep, thinking about what had happened. After a while I was doing my best to avoid sleep at all costs, but of course, that didn't really work."

"How long did that go on?" she asks.

"Until Abydos... until Sha're. Knowing that she was there, that I **_wasn't_** going to be alone when I woke up, made all the difference in the world. She made it safe for me to go to sleep for the first time in decades and that's one of the things I'm most grateful for."

"And the dreams didn't come back when you did?"

"No... at least not the ones I had as a kid... of course, now I've got a brand new crop of them, but that's a different story," I tell her, hoping that she will let it drop.

"So you are still having nightmares," she says, and it's **_not_** a question.

"Yes, but they are different now."

"And you are still waking up alone?"

"Yes."

"And yet you haven't told anyone about them, have you?" she challenges me.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I guess because it's personal and Sha're isn't here," I explain.

"So you are keeping them to yourself because you consider them a private matter and yet you are okay with Janet **_ordering_** me to share mine with you."

"Please don't take it like that. I just want to help," I say, realizing that she has a point.

"I know but I hate the fact that all of a sudden everyone feels like they have a right to run my life. Last time I checked it was still **_my_** life," she says, sounding rather upset.

"It is, and I'm sorry. I guess I wasn't thinking."

"It's okay... I guess I knew this was going to happen."

"What?" I ask.

"People treating me like I'm broken, like I can't make my own decisions," she explains.

"Whoa, slow down. This is not about you being 'broken' as you say. It is about the fact that you have a problem, a problem you admit to," I remind her, "and yes, we are trying to find a way to help you deal with it."

"It may be a problem but it is **_my_** problem, it is a problem you are trusted to handle on your own but suddenly I need a keeper?" she asks.

"I'm allowed to handle it on my own because no one knows about it," I remind her. "It's not something I like to talk about... especially not during the daytime hours when I can actually try to forget about it for a while."

"Yes, well, apparently that's a luxury I can't afford," she says, sounding almost resigned.

"I'll make you a deal. I can't change the general's orders but we can make this a two way street, okay? I'll trust you and you trust me. I'm not the enemy here, Sam," I tell her.

"I know you are not the enemy and it's not like I have a choice. That's the part that bothers me the most. I was told that unless I'm a good little girl I'm basically out of SG-1... and the same thing will happen if you were to try to cover for me."

"So? I'm not offering to cover for you, I'm still going to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing so it should be fine... all I'm doing is adding a slightly different twist to the whole thing. I'll be perfectly honest with you, I know the general has good intentions but I don't agree with him strong-arming you into doing things you don't want to do. I know it's a military thing having to do with the chain of command and all that but I'm not military and you are right, you should have been given more control over what you wanted to do about this and how you wanted to do it, unfortunately it wasn't my call."

"He's telling the colonel now," she whispers, out of nowhere.

"You knew that was bound to happen," I remind her.

"Yeah but... I don't know... I guess I hadn't really given much thought to that part," she admits.

"And you are worried about how he's going to react."

"He's going to go all overprotective, isn't he?" she asks.

"Probably," I admit, realizing that there's no point in trying to deny it.

"I can take care of myself."

"I know it, you know it and in a way even Jack knows it... but this is not about him questioning that particular ability of yours... not really," I tell her. "Let me ask you something, what would you have done if you had seen someone else on the team get badly hurt."

"I would have tried to help them, that's what we do," she says without even hesitating.

"And if that someone had concealed something like this from you to 'protect you' how would you have felt?" I push.

"Angry, I guess... and I probably would have tried to make amends somehow but..."

"No buts, that is exactly what's happening here," I tell her. "You don't have to like it but we messed up when we failed to realized what had happened in Simarka and we are trying to make amends. That's true of myself, of General Hammond and of Jack... and I must warn you that if you decide to tell Teal'c at a later date, once the rest of us have managed to come to terms with this, then you may as well get ready for another bout of guilt."

"I know... believe it or not I actually understand that but that doesn't really help... I mean I feel like..." she trails off.

"Like what, Sam?"

"Like it's all spinning out of control, like I'm about to watch my whole life crash and burn right in front of my eyes and there's nothing I can do about it."

"Why?"

"Because you know and Janet knows and the general knows, in fact he's busy filling the colonel in right now --whether I like it or not-- and then..."

"He promised to handle it as discreetly as possible, Sam," I say, trying to reassure her. "It's just going to be the five of us unless you decide to tell someone else."

"No, it won't. It's not so simple. He asked me to submit an updated report," she reminds me.

"So?"

"So reports are not just for the general's amusement, Daniel. They are filed, they are shared with the higher ups and now anyone with access to those files is going to know exactly what happened," she says. "We turn to other teams' mission reports whenever we encounter a situation similar to something they've experienced and they do the same... and sooner or later someone is going to use this thing against me. As soon as I submit that report this whole mess will become a matter of record and it will follow me for the rest of my life."

"I hadn't thought of that, but surely..." I try to say, but she interrupts me.

"There's no way around it and you know it."

"We'll think of something," I promise, realizing that her point is a valid one.

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Maybe Janet will think of something, come up with a way to include it in your medical file rather than in the mission report --after all, even in the military medical files are confidential... for the most part-- or maybe we could ask General Hammond to treat that report as being for his eyes only and let the old one stand in official records."

"I can't ask the general to cover for me!" she exclaims.

"Maybe you can't but luckily for you I'm not military and I can ask him for you," I remind her. "I know you are worried about it but the truth is that I don't think he asked for that report to leave you exposed."

"Then why did he do it?"

"I don't know, maybe he didn't really give much thought to the consequences of such a report being filed in the first place, after all this whole thing was dropped on him basically out of nowhere or maybe..."

"Maybe what?" she asks when I trail off.

"Maybe he wasn't comfortable asking you what had happened. He didn't want to **_talk_** about it but maybe he felt he needed a first hand account of the events and this may be a way for him to get that account... or maybe he just wants to make sure you are **_not_** in denial about any of this."

"But I'm not in denial, that's the whole point. This is news to you, it's **_not_** news to me," she says. "I've been dealing with this whole thing for months and the fact that I'm not sobbing in a corner trying to push the world away doesn't mean I'm not dealing with it."

"I know, but at the same time the fact is that we are worried and we have plenty of reasons to be," I remind her. "As you said, you've been dealing with this for months and it's not news to you but it **_is_** news to us. No one is trying to hurt you here but at the same time you are going to have to cut us some slack. I know it's not fair to ask but the fact remains that it will take us a while to believe you are fine... and I suspect that's going to be particularly true of Jack and General Hammond. Think of it like a side-effect of the fact that you've had a seven month head-start in coming to terms with this. You may be well on your way to getting over this whole thing but it's going to take us a while to catch up with you."

"It's not going to get better, is it?" she asks, sounding almost defeated.

"Eventually it will, but for the next few days things are going to be difficult, there's no denying that. If you want a bit of advice I'd say don't pretend to be doing better than you are and we will be less likely to think that you are lying to us."

"I'm not lying," she insists.

"No, but are you trying to minimize the impact of what you are dealing with?" I ask.

"Maybe a little," she admits, somewhat reluctantly, "I just don't want to make a big deal out of it. As I told you last night, it could have been worse, a lot worse, and I'm just grateful that nothing else happened. You know what the alternative was."

"Yes, I do and I understand what you are saying," I agree, "but at the same time I understand where General Hammond is coming from because even though I'm trying to fight it, well, the truth is that my first instinct is to want to go back to Simarka and beat the crap out of Turghan --not that I could, mind you-- and my second instinct is to try to protect you, to keep you safe **_somehow_**. I can't believe I didn't see what was happening before and right now I'm kicking myself for it..."

"I don't need you to keep me safe," she reminds me, sounding almost offended.

"The rational part of me knows that, believe it or not, but it's not so simple... and you know it."

"I know," she reluctantly admits, "but just like you know it's not rational, the fact that on a rational level I know why you are doing all this --why you are all treating me like you don't know what to say around me or how to act-- it doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Fair enough," I agree.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, first of all, thanks for your reviews, as usual they are appreciated. Also, I know you were kind of looking forward to the conversation between jack and General Hammond, sorry about the delay but I wanted to get this little scene out of the way before bringing jack into it. I promise to post it next week.

Take care and keep reviewing!

Alec


	25. Chapter 25: Reading the Signs, the Warni

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 25: Reading the Signs, the Warning Signs  
(Jack's POV)

"Jack, please sit down," says the general before I can even finish closing the door.

"Tough morning, sir?" I ask, taking in the look on the general's face and more than a little troubled by Janet's presence and serious expression... not to mention the fact that the general actually called me by name. I've spent enough years in the military to know that that's never a good sign.

"You could say that. I've been trying to sort out a particular situation that was dropped on my lap unexpectedly," he explains.

"Anything I can do, sir?"

"Well, son, I'm afraid it's a situation that's bound to impact SG-1," he warns me.

"Sir?" I ask, getting more worried by the minute. First he called me 'Jack', now he's calling me 'son'. This is going from bad to worse and I know it.

"There's no easy way for me to say this so I'm just gonna say it: apparently Captain Carter was raped while on a mission a few months ago."

"Excuse me, sir, did you just say that Carter was...?" I trail off, hoping to have misunderstood... he didn't just say that...

"Yes, colonel," he confirms, nodding his head.

"When?" I barely manage to croak.

"Back in Simarka," says Janet.

"But that was seven months ago!" I exclaim. "Why am I just hearing about this now?"

"Because she didn't say anything to anyone," explains the general before going on. "Dr. Jackson figured it out yesterday, confronted her and she told him. Earlier today he convinced her to come clean to Dr. Fraiser who came to me and now here we are."

"Daniel figured it out? Why didn't he just say something?" I ask, wondering what on earth could my archeologist possibly have been thinking.

"It wasn't his place to tell you and you know it, colonel. He handled himself appropriately," reminds me the general.

"Where is she now?" I ask.

"I suspect she is in her lab but I'm not sure, however you are not going to burst in there demanding an explanation," he warns me.

"She should have said something!" I exclaim, trying to keep myself from yelling at my commanding officer. Even after all these years that is not an easy thing for me to do under the circumstances.

"Probably, but going by what Dr. Fraiser's been telling me, the conditions here at the SGC were far from ideal for her to come forward at the time."

"Sir?" I ask, wondering what he's talking about... and what the **_ideal_** conditions should have been for something like this to happen in the first place.

"Do you remember who was in charge of the infirmary back in the early days of the SGC?"

"Dr. Warner... I see. No offense, sir, but that's a load of crap," I tell him. "She should have said something back on that planet long before she reached the infirmary. We allowed her to fight Turghan after it happened, for crying out loud! What could we possibly have been thinking when we allowed that fight to take place?"

"You were thinking exactly what she wanted you to think, that she was fine... and the truth is that in a way that fight against Turghan may well have been the key to her overcoming the whole experience, so don't you go blaming yourself for that particular situation," says Janet in a tone that leaves no room for argument.

"What do you mean, doc?" I ask.

"She defeated him, that made him human rather than a monster that was bigger than life in her mind," she explains. "Even if physically she was in no shape to take him on at the time, the fact that she managed to pull it off may have been more effective than anything any therapist could possibly have done for her after her return. She didn't have to displace the aggression, she was able to focus it back toward its source before it had managed to escalate into something she couldn't handle."

"Yes, well, somehow that doesn't make me feel any better," I growl.

"I understand that, colonel, but a more important question here is whether or not it made **_her_** feel any better and I can say that the answer to that question is almost certainly a resounding 'yes'," she reminds me. "When she was given a fighting chance she succeeded in besting Turghan and that was exactly what she needed at the time."

"Do you have any idea of just how dangerous that fight really was? He was ready to kill her and I wasn't sure whether or not we'd be able to do anything before he did some serious damage," I say, trying not to think of what might have happened... only now I am suddenly being confronted with the realization that that 'might have happened' --the might have happened I had believed had been avoided-- had **_already_** happened by that time and **_that_** makes me sick.

"But she won... and that was seven months ago."

"Oh yes, thanks for the lovely reminder, doc. What the hell could she possibly have been thinking, keeping something like this to herself?" I ask, even though as far as I'm concerned there's no explanation possible.

"If it makes you feel any better, I think she was mostly running on instinct and finding herself in an infirmary with what was at the time an almost entirely male staff didn't exactly help matters," says Janet.

"Come on, doc, that explanation doesn't make any sense at all and you know it," I point out.

"Maybe, but we don't know what was going through her mind at the time and the explanation I've been presented with means that her silence can be excused, do you want to look for a different one, colonel?" asks the general and I realize immediately what he isn't saying. This whole story may be a load of crap but it is an **_acceptable_** load of crap so he is willing to let it stand, even if he is not really buying it.

"Of course not, sir, what I'd like to do is to go back to Simarka and..." I trail off.

"Denied, colonel. While I certainly understand the feeling, I'm afraid I can't really allow it," he says, sounding almost apologetic.

"So what happens now?"I ask.

"Well, son, I've placed SG-1 on stand down for two weeks to give you all some time to regroup. As for Captain Carter, she insists she's just fine but I'm not sure how much I believe her," says the general before going on. "For the time being Dr. Fraiser will be keeping an eye on her to try and determine how she's doing."

"What about MacKenzie?" I ask, dreading the answer to that question.

"Dr. MacKenzie is not really an option here for the same reason there was a problem with Dr. Warner in the first place," explains Janet. "She doesn't feel particularly comfortable with him and I suspect this is a situation in which, unless things take a sudden turn for the worse, then trying to force her to see someone she doesn't trust could end up causing more harm than good. If this had been disclosed seven months ago, foregoing some form of counseling wouldn't have been an option but right now the fact is that she's been functioning --and functioning without incident-- for a fairly long time. Besides, Dr. MacKenzie is not a rape counselor which is what she really needs right now."

"I guess we don't have one of those on staff here," I say, almost rhetorically.

"Exactly," she agrees, "and if we were to bring someone in, even if we could find a specialist with the necessary clearance to be told about the stargate, there would be no way to bring him, or probably her, on board without having this whole incident become public knowledge, which is something we definitely don't want."

"So Carter is left to deal with this whole mess on her own and you are fine with it?" I ask, not liking that particular scenario much better than the one involving MacKenzie. The whole thing sounds too much like leaving her out to dry and that bothers me.

"No, Dr. Jackson and I will do everything we can to offer her as much support as we can. Unfortunately we are far from an ideal solution, we are merely the lesser evil under the circumstances," she explains.

"Why Daniel?" I prod, not quite following Janet's reasoning on that one. I agree that MacKenzie is not a good option here but Danny is an archeologist, for crying out loud, what does he know of something like this?

"Because she trusts him and he is not military," Janet points out. "That means that she may feel less pressure to maintain her image as a soldier in front of him... in fact in that regard Dr. Jackson may well turn out to be a better choice than **_any_** military psychologist could ever hope to be."

"So what do I do?" I ask, realizing that she may actually have a point there.

"The first question here is how do you feel about Captain Carter remaining on your team?" asks the general, catching me totally off guard. "Do you think you can move past this or is this something that may end up compromising SG-1's ability to function as a unit?"

"**_WHAT?_** Of Course I want her on my team, what kind of question is that, sir?" I all but yell. I was really **_not_** expecting that question and I hate being blind-sided.

"Good, I was hoping you'd feel that way but I still had to ask. In that case you will have to mend some fences to make it happen," he warns me.

"I'm going to have to go talk to her, won't I?" I ask, knowing what the answer to that question is going to be... and dreading that particular encounter.

"After you've had some time to think things through, yes," says the general.

"So how is she really doing? Anything I should be worried about besides the obvious, anything I can do to help?" I ask, turning to Janet.

"From what we've been able to see so far she's doing reasonably well under the circumstances... or at least she's putting up a very good front," she says. "I'm sure that hearing that you don't want her out of SG-1 will help set her mind at ease somewhat. I won't lie to you though, there are some problems, I'm just not sure how bad they are just yet."

"So what do I do?" I ask, not wanting to mess this one up more than I absolutely have to... which will almost certainly be more than enough messing up to last Carter a lifetime anyway.

"Don't try to fix it... and make sure you think things through before you go charging into her lab. Remember that she has enough on her plate right now without her having to worry about taking care of everybody else's feelings as well. This whole thing happened months ago, remember that... and be careful with what you say, I really don't want to see you in my infirmary," she warns me.

"Uh?"

"Let's just say that Sam's made it pretty clear that the consequences of anyone calling her either a victim or a survivor won't be pleasant so you may want to watch what you say around her, just to be on the safe side," explains Janet with a rather chilling smile that has me swallowing hard.

"Okay, thanks for the heads up, doc. Are you absolutely sure you won't authorize a return trip to Simarka, sir?" I ask, turning my attention back to the general.

"Sorry, colonel, you know I can't do that, however right now your top priority should probably be your 2IC," he reminds me.

"I know, sir... it's just that..." I trail off.

"That this is a lot to take in? Believe me, son, I know. Just remember that this is not about you," he says.

"Yes, sir."

"May I give you some advice?" asks Janet.

"Sure, doc, what is it?" I say, knowing that I'm going to need all the help I can get here.

"Before you go looking for Captain Carter you may want to drop by the gym for a while," she suggests. "I think there's a punching bag there with your name on it... and you may also want to talk to Daniel about this whole situation. So far I think he's the one who understands what's going on with Sam the best so you may find his input useful."

"Oh, I'll speak with the little... I can't believe he didn't warn me about this," I growl.

"Believe me, colonel, Dr. Jackson is no more comfortable with the situation right now than any of us," says the general, who I suspect has no clue as to just how sick this whole thing is really making me.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, okay, first of all, thanks for the reviews, I really appreciate them, especially because I am well aware that this is not exactly an easy fic. Also, sorry about the delay in getting to Jack. I know it took a while but at least now he knows what's going on (and hopefully I didn't mess that one up **_too_** badly... I like Jack but the truth is that in this story he had me more than a little worried).

Anyway, stay tuned for the next update (it should be posted next week) and keep reviewing!

Alec


	26. Chapter 26: The Blame Game

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 26: The Blame Game  
(Daniel's POV)

I hear a knock on my door and when I look up I'm not surprised to see Jack standing there. I take a moment to take in his appearance. His face is drawn and I can see that his knuckles are more than a little bruised... hopefully from trying to beat a punching bag into submission rather than the base's concrete walls.

"Daniel, you have a minute?" he says, almost reluctantly.

"Sure, Jack, what is it?" I ask.

"Oh, I think you know that."

"You talked to Hammond, didn't you?" I say, even though I already know what the answer to that question is going to be.

"Oh, yes, and boy was that one fun little chat. Why didn't you tell me?" he asks, sounding more than a little hurt.

"One, I didn't know; two, it wasn't my place," I explain.

"It's one or the other, Daniel," he growls and I can see that he is not happy.

"No, it's not. I just found out about this on that mission we had yesterday but even if I'd known, it still wouldn't have been my place to tell you anything," I explain.

"I was in charge of that mission, damnit, I should have been informed!" he all but yells.

"Yes, well, somehow I suspect Sam thought it was a private matter and with Warner..."

"Cut the crap, Daniel," he interrupts me. "That's an excuse and you know it. By the time we came back she'd already lied to us about it. After we got her back she told us she was fine. She should have said something then!"

"It's not that simple, Jack," I say, trying to get him to calm down.

"She was injured and we let her fight that creep!" he exclaims, not quite ready to listen to reason.

"Well, that part's not exactly news, I remind him. I mean, we found out about that almost as soon as we returned. As for any other 'injuries' she may have sustained, those were probably fairly minor from a medical perspective and she knew it."

"**_WHAT?_**" this time he **_doesn't_** all but yell.

"I said 'from a medical perspective', I'm not saying it doesn't matter... and I suspect that at the time she felt like she couldn't stop to acknowledge any of it to anyone, including herself," I say, trying to get him to understand. "I think at the time she just forced herself to keep going, to push it all away until she came home. As for Warner, it's not entirely an excuse, she **_wasn't_** comfortable with him and I don't blame her. Would things have gone down differently had Janet been in the infirmary? Maybe, I don't know. Maybe Sam would have said something or maybe Janet wouldn't have bought her story that she had only been beaten, in the end it doesn't matter."

"So you know why she didn't say anything? You know what was the real reason?" he asks.

"I do, but it's not my place to tell you," I admit. Even though I know he is **_not_** going to like that answer, I'm not comfortable with the idea of lying to Jack either, so I'm stuck with the less than pleasant truth.

"Daniel..." he growls threateningly.

"It's not," I insists.

"Maybe, but you are going to tell me anyway," he says, refusing to back down.

"No, I'm not."

"Listen, Daniel, I really don't want to push Sam on this right now but I will if I don't have a choice," he warns me. "I don't want to do it, you don't want me to do it and she certainly doesn't want me to do it. The thing is that we can't have a secret like this hanging over our heads. We are supposed to be a team and that means we have to be able to trust each other."

"So what, you are just going to go in there and bully her?" I ask.

"If I have to," he says.

"You are bluffing, Jack."

"No, I'm not," he insists.

"Yes, you are."

"Am not."

"Are... there's no way you'd do anything to hurt her."

"Maybe."

"No 'maybe' about it. I'm not betraying her and that's final," I say, crossing my arms and ready to stand my ground on this particular subject.

"For crying out loud, Daniel, who said anything about betraying her? I'm her friend too, you know? You are not the only one who is worried about her!" he reminds me.

"She should be able to handle this as she sees fit. I mean, sure, I understand why General Hammond felt you had to know, Sam knew it was bound to happen from the moment she agreed to talk to Janet, but how much she tells who should be her choice."

"I know that but we are supposed to be a team!" he insists.

"I know, but even within a team some stuff is still personal... and, by the way, Teal'c still doesn't know anything about this and Sam is not sure whether or not he should be told at all, so you may want to watch what you say around him," I warn him.

"More secrets?" asks Jack, sounding anything but happy about that one.

"I think it's more like playing it safe for the time being. We simply don't know enough about Chulak to know how Teal'c would take something like this and his reaction could end up hurting Sam," I point out.

"Okay, I guess that make sense in a twisted kind of way but he is her friend," says Jack, still sounding all but happy about that one... not that that comes as much of a surprise.

"I know, but it's not our decision to make," I remind him.

"Fine, so how did you figure it out in the first place?" he asks, letting that subject drop, at least for the time being.

"I'm not sure," I admit. "I can tell you how I **_think_** I figured it out but I'm not sure whether that's a real explanation or just a rationalization. I mean, there was something that had been feeling kind of off but I couldn't quite put my finger on it until a couple of weeks ago..."

"**_A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO!_** I thought you'd only figured it out yesterday!" he exclaims.

"I've had the feeling that something wasn't quite right for a while now. A couple of weeks ago I figured out that that something probably had to do with Sam but I didn't know what it was, not really. Some additional thinking allowed me to narrow things down to Simarka but until yesterday I was fuzzy on the details," I explain before going on. "I tried talking to her yesterday while we were on that mission and that's when she first told me what had happened but it wasn't the time or place to have that conversation so things got postponed again until after we came back. She showed up at my place last night and that's when we really talked things through."

"So what clued you in on the fact that there was a problem in the first place?"

"This is going to sound silly but it happened while I was watching her sleep. She was curled up," I say, well aware of just how **_insignificant_** that detail sounds, at least at first.

"I'm not following you, she always curls up to sleep," says Jack, sounding somewhat confused.

"No, you see, that's why we didn't notice. Simarka was so early in the team's history that we didn't even realize that there had been a change but the fact is that during our first couple of missions she used to stretch out under the stars and she'd just look up at the firmament until she fell asleep. That changed after Simarka."

"Still that's quite a leap, isn't it? I mean, to go from a change in how she sleeps to something like this..." he trails off.

"As I said, I'm not sure if that's the real thing that caught my attention or if it was only the final piece of a far more complex puzzle."

"I asked Hammond for permission to go back to Simarka... he said no," says Jack.

"I figured you would... if it makes you feel any better, if you'd been allowed to return, chances are you would have been unable to find him," I tell him, trying to offer some sort of comfort.

"Why?"

"Because they are nomads and it's probably a different season so they are unlikely to be where we last saw them," I explain. "To find them again you would have to calculate approximately one year based on their calendar."

"I still wish I could go back there and..."

"And what? Turn back time?" I ask. "Going after Turghan wouldn't do us any good."

"Maybe not but it would definitely make me feel better," he says, shrugging his shoulders.

"He was defeated by the person who had to defeat him," I point out.

"I know. Dr. Fraiser said something along the same lines but..."

"But you still want to go back and kick his ass?" I ask with a smile.

"Exactly," he agrees, nodding emphatically.

"Believe me, I know the feeling but it wouldn't help... not where it matters," I tell him.

"It would make me feel better," he insists.

"And it would make Sam feel like you don't trust her to fight her own battles," I point out.

"Okay, maybe but..."

"If it makes you feel any better you could try to look at the whole thing from a different perspective," I interrupt him.

"And what perspective would that be, Daniel?" asks Jack, sounding far from convinced.

"The one that says that for Turghan there could be no greater humiliation than to be defeated by a woman --by **_his_** woman-- in front of **_his_** men. Sure, you beating him would have been satisfactory from **_your_** perspective, but nowhere near as devastating and humiliating from his," I tell him with a smile.

"I guess I can live with that," he reluctantly agrees. "So how is she doing, really?"

"As well as can be expected, I guess," I say, not knowing how to explain things without betraying Sam's trust. "She's been coping with this whole mess for months now... I think that's the hardest part for me to remember. It's news to me but she's still the same, though there are a bunch of little things I never really noticed before that all of a sudden are making a whole lot of sense and that bothers me... countless reminders of the fact that I should have figured this one out a long time ago."

"I'm going to mess this up, aren't I? I mean, I'm going to go in there and say the wrong thing," says Jack, sounding rather nervous at the thought.

"Just go talk to her, Jack... you know you'll have to do it sooner or later," I remind him.

"Easy for you to say, you are not the one who messed this up," he all but growls. "If I hadn't taken Moughal's word that Turghan would wait then maybe we would have managed to get there sooner... and we sure as hell wouldn't have wasted all that time resting the damned horses by that river."

"I **_didn't_** mess this one up? I ask, not quite believing my ears. I was supposed to be the one in charge of avoiding a situation such as this in the first place but I was too busy letting my curiosity get the best of me! I was so excited at the thought of actually having a chance to study a civilization that had been extinct here on earth for centuries that I didn't even stop to consider the fact that I was putting Sam in danger. She wanted to come back but I insisted that we should stay a little longer. I was the one who told her that she should try to accept their ways, I was the one who..."

"I was in charge of that mission," Jack insists. "I saw how they reacted to Sam's presence and I didn't insist that we pull back the moment we had a chance... not to mention the fact that when I saw her in that blue dress..."

"Oh, yes, let's not forget that dress! I say, shaking my head at the memory of that dress... and at my reaction to it.

"You know what happened to it?" asks Jack, whose thoughts on that matter probably mirror my own.

"Turghan ripped it off Sam's body before he beat the crap out of her," I say, feeling almost sick at the thought.

"Figures," mutters Jack.

"At least it's gone," I say.

"Well, there's that," he agrees. "I guess we really messed this one up, didn't we?"

"Yes, I guess we did," I say, not wanting to get into an argument over **_whose_** mistake it really was. There's no way I'm ever going to get Jack to realize that it wasn't his fault so I don't even try.

"I really should go talk to her, shouldn't I?" he asks, sounding more afraid than I've ever heard him sound before... and --considering what we've been through in the past few months-- that is saying something.

"I guess," I tell him, knowing how much he **_won't_** enjoy that encounter.

"Wish me luck... something tells me I'm gonna need it," he says as he walks out the door.

* * *

**_Author's notes:_** Hi guys, thanks for the feedback, as usual it is really appreciated. Also, I know some of you were waiting for the gym scene here... it was edited out at the last minute. It's just that when I was going over it I kept feeling that it detracted from the story a lot more than it added to it, so, out it went.

Anyway, thank you again for the reviews, as usual the next update will be posted in a week, though in the meantime I'm also posting the first chapter of a new story called In The Genes' (in case you are interested the story id is: 2645891).

Alec


	27. Chapter 27: Smoke and Mirrors

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 27: Smoke and Mirrors  
(Jack's POV)

As I watch Carter from the lab's door even **_I_** can tell that she is just pretending to work, keeping herself busy with something that doesn't really require much thought --or at least not by her standards-- and the fact that I can tell that is saying something, especially considering that I don't have the first clue as to what she's doing in there 99 percent of the time.

"Hey," I say as I walk in the door.

"Good morning, sir," she greets me, sounding even more formal than she usually does.

"So, whatcha doing?"

"I was just measuring the energy output of a..."

"Let me rephrase that, can it wait a while?" I interrupt her.

"Sir?"

"You've got a minute?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good, come on, I feel like taking a walk."

"Sir?"

"You know, I want to go topside, to get out of under this mountain, to feel the sun on my face... feel free to stop me if any of this sounds remotely familiar, Carter."

"Yes, sir."

Five minutes later we are walking away from the compound, away from the security cameras and the prying eyes. It's a nice day out here... sometimes we tend to forget that working underground as we do. I swear that I spend more time under other suns than under my own. The thing is that we have a beautiful planet but today the fact that it's a nice day just seems incredibly **_wrong_**.

I wait for Carter to say something, to give me some kind of sign but she isn't saying anything, not that I'm particularly surprised by that fact. I think I've received more 'yes, sirs' from her in the past few minutes than I get from the average new recruit in a week. She's hiding behind military protocol --even more than she usually does-- and that's bound to make this even harder. Deciding that subtle just ain't me, I decide to cut to the chase.

"Why didn't you say something?" I ask.

"Sir?"

"Would you please drop the 'sir', Carter?" I snap. I don't expect her to call me by name but I could do without the 'sir' right now, I mean, we are the only people here so it's a pretty safe bet that she's **_not_** addressing anyone else.

"Sorry, s..."

"Ah, ah, ah... what did I just say?" I ask, cutting her off.

"Sorry."

"Good, now, why didn't you say something? And I'm not talking about Warner, I'm talking about what happened back in Simarka when we first got you out, about what happened **_before_** we came back," I ask.

"Moughal," she says... not that **_that_** is much of an explanation.

"Moughal? What does he have to do with anything?"

"He was with you and he..."

"He what?"

"A woman must bear her pain in silence," she whispers.

"What kind of crap is that?" I ask. It doesn't sound like something she would say, not by a long shot.

"It's what Turghan said. I..." she trails off.

"You what?" I encourage her to go on.

"I didn't know how Moughal would react to anything I said and I knew you didn't know the ways of the Shavadai , sir. I mean, sure, Moughal was nowhere near as bad as Turghan but he followed the same rules. I knew I..."

"What did you know?" I prod, choosing to ignore that 'sir'... at least as long as she's willing to talk to me, as long as that damned 'sir' doesn't become her whole vocabulary.

"I knew I couldn't afford to break the rules and I was afraid you'd say something that would end up getting me in trouble again, besides, it wasn't like there was anything you could possibly have done anyway," she says, shrugging her shoulders.

"We could have gotten you back home right away, that's something! We certainly could have kept you from going back to fight Turghan!" I say, trying hard **_not_** to yell at her.

"But Nya would have been killed!" she exclaims, sounding more than a little horrified at that thought... not that it is a particularly pleasant one.

"You were in no shape to fight him, damn it!" I remind her. "Do you have any idea how dangerous that was? You could have been killed and we were so badly outnumbered that even with our weapons I wasn't sure we could have fought our way out of there... not to mention that in doing so we would almost certainly have triggered a war between the People of the Steppes and the People of the Forest. I know you were worried about that girl but the risk you took, challenging Turghan when you were hurt was..."

"Believe me, sir, no one knew what was at stake in that fight better than I did. I knew I couldn't lose and I didn't, but Nya had defied her father because of what I had said to her and I couldn't let her die for it. It was my mess and I had to clean it up somehow!" she insists, sounding almost desperate.

"You were hurt!"

"With all due respect, sir, that's not the issue," she reminds me, refusing to accept the obvious euphemism. "You've known I was hurt for months and you've never brought it up before."

"Well, maybe I should have had! What the hell were you thinking?" I insist.

"As I said, sir, I couldn't let Nya die. You have no idea what that camp was like, what women in that world went through... and not just women in Turghan's clan," she says, looking down at her hands and I get the funny feeling that there's something I'm still missing here --something big-- the problem is that I don't have the first clue as to what that 'something' could possibly be.

"Then tell me," I all but challenge her.

"After I first escaped, he wasn't going to hurt me... not until after I challenged him to do it," she admits.

"What do you mean?"

"Back at the camp Nya's mother was in charge of all of Turghan's women so she was deemed to be responsible for my behavior, for my escape," she explains. "When I was brought back it wasn't me he was going to punish, it was her because she was the one who had failed in her duties but I told Turghan that if he had to beat someone to feel like a man he should beat me and he did. After I had been sent back to the women's area Nya and I started talking. Even after what her father had done to me, even after Nya had warned me that he would not hesitate to kill me and after I had seen how women were treated, I kept encouraging her to defy him. I kept telling her that they'd never be free unless they stood up for themselves and that was a mistake, a big one. I should have known better... the abyss was too great for that defiance to do anything but get her killed and I should have realized that much! It was a situation in which if change was going to come it was bound to come slowly... or from a man, as was the case when Moughal decided to allow his clan's women to show their faces in public. It wasn't a situation in which **_women_** could afford to take the initiative, not to that extent. You know the old saying 'you have to crawl before you walk'? Well, I totally forgot about it and rather than encourage Nya to craw I encouraged her to take what amounted to a huge leap forward. I really didn't think things through and she was about to pay the price for my mistake. I couldn't leave her there to die any more than I could let her mother be punished for my actions."

"And that's why you insisted on going back?" I ask.

"Yes," she admits. "At first I didn't know I was going to have to fight Turghan, that was not the plan, and I figured that as long as I stayed close to the rest of you I'd be safe, but once we were there --once it became apparent that he **_wasn't_** going to fight Moughal for Nya's life-- I knew I couldn't just walk away."

"So you fought him..."

"Yes, sir," she says. "There was no other way and I wasn't going to stand by and watch her be stoned to death by her own father. I would never have been able to live with myself if I hadn't done something about it so I challenged Turghan and I won."

"It was too dangerous!" I exclaim. I can certainly understand where she's coming from but still when I think of what could have happened if that fight had ended in any other way...

"Maybe, but I was the only one who could do it, sir, don't you see? Daniel had said that **_I_** was the chieftain and that meant that none of you could hope to challenge him in Moughal's place because the old law we were appealing to in the first place required that the one issuing the challenge be another chieftain. There was no other way," she insists.

"But you were hurt!" I say, even though I know she's right.

"I was more than a little sore, I won't deny that, but you know as well as I do that none of my injuries were life threatening, in fact they weren't even serious," she points out, still downplaying their significance... and turning a deliberate blind eye to the real issue. "The flogger Turghan used on me was specifically designed to be used on women. It was meant to cause a considerable amount of pain and it left me with some pretty deep and extensive bruising but at the same time it wasn't meant to break the skin or cause any kind of permanent damage so it really wasn't anything I couldn't handle. In Simarka women were valued as property and because of that that flogger had been designed to 'protect' that property... or at least its market value. Turghan was furious when he used it on me, believe me, he didn't hold anything back and the beating I took was probably far worse than what was the norm but in spite of that he only managed to break the skin in a couple of places... and even those cuts weren't deep enough to require stitches."

"That's not the point!" I all but yell at her, more than a little frustrated with all this tap-dancing.

"Then what's the point, sir?" she asks, even though I know she knows what I mean and she knows I know she knows.

"The point is that..." I can't believe we are arguing over this, it has nothing to do with anything. I'm trying to figure out what to say when all of a sudden I realize exactly what she's doing. "You are trying to distract me, aren't you?"

"Sir?"

"And we are back to that. I told you, drop the sir... and cut the crap! This is not about your back being bruised by that bastard and you know it! Why didn't you tell us you'd been raped?" I ask, point blank. It makes me sick to say it out loud but I know that, as long as I keep trying to avoid that word, Carter is going to be able to deflect my questions... heck, I know she can talk circles around me even when she **_isn't_** trying.

"I don't know," she says, not meeting my eyes. "Moughal was there, I couldn't afford to stop and think about any of it so I just didn't, and then after I'd had time to think things through I had already kept it out of my report and there was no going back... besides I couldn't see how it could possibly be anybody's business but my own. I still don't!"

Well, at least that got her angry... not that that's much of an improvement. Why did I ever think I could do this? Oh, wait, that's right... I never did.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: So we've finally come to Jack's confrontation with Sam, now the question is how's Sam going to react to Jack's pushing.

Also, thanks for the reviews for last week's chapter (especially considering how the site was acting up), as always they are deeply appreciated.

Take care and keep reviewing!

Alec


	28. Chapter 28: Kinetic Energy

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 28: Kinetic Energy  
(Sam's POV)

I know I'm trapped here and there's no way out of this one. In the past few months I've gotten to know the colonel fairly well and I know that he can be like a dog with a bone when he wants to be... and right now I can see that he most definitely wants to be. He seems determined to get himself some answers and I know that the more I fight him, the worse this is going to get. That means that the only thing I can do is answer his questions and hope that he will feel uncomfortable enough talking about this 'touchy-feely' stuff that he will back down on his own. It's a risky proposition --a high stakes game of chicken, one that will leave me way too exposed-- but the way I see it I don't really have a choice. My only option right now is to take Daniel's advice about not pretending to be doing better than I am and turning it into the basis for an offensive... I just hope I'll be able to control things but even that is looking like a rather iffy proposition. The problem is that the colonel is refusing to play by the rules and that means that all bets are off.

Up until now I had been counting on him avoiding the 'r-word', but now that that word's come into play I really don't know what to expect. He wants to know why I didn't say anything, well I guess I'll have to tell him... not everything, of course, but some of it. I don't want to do it, but unfortunately I don't think I have a choice here so I swallow hard and say:

"All I can say is that when we first got back from Simarka I was on autopilot. A part of me knew I was safe but I couldn't quite let myself believe it was all over just yet. I was still trying to sort the whole mess out in my head when we got to the infirmary... and then I saw Dr. Warner checking the three of you out first. He was feeling your necks, looking for injuries, for anything that could signal the presence of a Goa'uld and I panicked. I didn't want him touching me in any way but I knew there was no way for me to avoid it and just the thought of it was making me sick... literally. I didn't even want him to know that I had been hurt and I was trying to cling to the hope that my clothes would cover me enough so that he wouldn't even notice that there was anything wrong with me but, of course, it didn't turn out that way. When he was looking me over he noticed the ends of a couple of lash-marks on the back of my neck and that's when the real problems began.

"You were all still standing there --after all he hadn't exactly been expecting to find anything that might actually require some privacy. I usually don't mind but I admit I was feeling exposed. I know it's silly, sir, believe me, but I really couldn't help it... and then he asked me what had happened. I knew I was in trouble but I just wanted it to be over with so I told him that I had been caught trying to escape and had been punished for it. I tried to tell him that it wasn't a big deal but he wasn't really listening."

"I remember, that's when he told us to leave," says the colonel and I nod before going on.

"Yes. At first I honestly thought that you being gone was going to make things better but then I realized I was alone with him and that actually made it worse, a lot worse. I didn't want to be there, I wanted to be anywhere **_but_** there and yet I was trapped, just like I had been trapped in Turghan's tent. When he told me to take off my shirt and lie down on one of the beds so he could have a look at me I kind of freaked but I knew I couldn't let him know that, so I went into soldier mode, obeying his commands mechanically as I would have done with any really unpleasant assignment, not thinking, not volunteering any information, just giving him yes and no answers whenever possible. Luckily since I had been standing when Turghan beat me most of the marks were on my upper back and on my shoulders and as a result he had no real reason to ask me to undress any further than that.

"Anyway, he cleaned the cuts on my back but seeing how I didn't even need stitches he patched me up and after a few minutes he let me go telling me to take it easy for a few days and that I'd be off active duty until I could move freely. I was so relieved that I almost ran out of there and I joined you at the debriefing... and then the three of you and General Hammond started asking questions about what had happened and I just didn't know what to say. I wanted it to be over with but you kept asking for details and I knew that by not telling you what had really happened I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole but I didn't think I had a choice."

"God, Sam, I had no idea..." says the colonel before trailing off and that's the first indication I have that my strategy may be backfiring here: he just called me 'Sam'. He almost never calls me that and --if his use of my first name is anything to go by-- then I suspect he has no intention to back down any time soon... in fact I suspect he is going to keep pushing and I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm tired, tired of people asking questions, tired of people prodding into things that are none of their business, but right now I can't afford to waste my energy thinking about that. Right now my top priority has to be to reestablish some sort of professional distance here, before this situation spins completely out of control.

"With all due respect, sir, you weren't supposed to... that was kind of the point of not telling you in the first place," I say, trying to get him to back down, trying to regain my composure or at least some semblance thereof.

"I know, but why?" he insists.

"The truth is I'm not sure, sir, all I can think of is that at the time I was running on instinct. I just wanted to forget but even here at the base everywhere I turned there were constant reminders... not to mention that I had never been so grateful for the fact that the stools in my lab have no backs. It took me about a week to be able to sit comfortably on a regular chair," I explain. To say that I was uncomfortable is not a lie, of course, but that's not the whole truth, still I'm hoping to be able to use that partial truth to get things back on safer footing here before I fall... and chairs are definitely safe.

"I remember you were working like crazy," he reminds me and I'm grateful that for once things seem to be going according to plan.

"I stayed here at the base full-time for the whole first week," I admit, trying to keep things on track.

"Why?"

"Part of the reason was that in a way the base felt safe," I say, knowing that if I don't provide him with some sort of explanation things will only get worse... and knowing that lying is not an option. "I had things to do here and I could keep myself busy... besides, what was I supposed to do? Go home and do nothing?"

"And the other part?" he prods.

"As I said, I couldn't sit comfortably on a regular chair and that did extend to sitting in my car," I explain, even though I had been hoping he wouldn't notice that I had only given him a partial answer. "I had no one to go home to, a neighbor was already looking after my cat and I wasn't looking forward to the daily commute so I didn't really see the point when I could just as well crash here."

"And now?"

"I'm at 100 percent, sir, it was just bruising," I say. "Sure, it was uncomfortable for a few days but I've been hurt worse."

"That's **_not_** what I meant and you know it, Carter," he growls.

"I know, sir, but I'm doing fine, really... it's just hard for me to explain sometimes, that's all," I say, wishing that he'd let it go but knowing that he probably won't. This is not going according to plan. The colonel is refusing to allow himself to be thrown off the trail and the truth is that I'm getting more than a little nervous here.

"Have you tried explaining it to anyone?" he asks, even though I suspect he already knows what the answer to that particular question is going to be.

"Not really," I admit, unable to keep myself from sighing.

"Why not? That's what I don't understand, why go through all of that alone?" he insists.

"After what happened with Dr. Warner I knew I couldn't come clean so..."

"What do you mean 'you couldn't come clean'? Why not?" he asks.

"Don't you see? What happened in Simarka, it was bad and I really wish it could have been avoided but the thing is that after I **_didn't_** tell Dr. Warner the truth about what had happened I knew I couldn't tell anyone else either, not without finding myself in a lot of trouble, but don't worry, sir, I can still do my job," I say, growing increasingly defensive and hiding behind the 'official' explanation for my silence, even though I suspect that that particular explanation is not quite cutting it here.

"It's not your damned **_job_** I'm worried about, it's you!" he snaps. "You were hurt! Heck even when we thought that creep had 'only' whipped you we should have..."

"But he didn't, sir," I interrupt before he can blow things even **_more_** out of proportion.

"He didn't what?" he asks, sounding more than a little confused.

"Whip me," I explain.

"Are you kidding me?" he yells.

"No, sir," I say, barely resisting the urge to take a step back.

"I saw your back, Carter, remember?" he growls.

"Yes, sir. He hit me, I'm not denying that, but I wasn't whipped. The thing he used on me wasn't a whip, it was a flogger and not even a heavy one at that, so he didn't really whip me," I insist, trying to get him to understand. "You see, the tails of the flogger he used weren't really all that heavy and they were fairly flexible. They were also less than two feet long and even though the ends were knotted they were not weighted in any other way and they weren't particularly aerodynamic --especially because there were about a dozen of them or so-- so even though they were painful, their limited mass and the fact that the arch they described wasn't really all that big meant that the amount of energy they could accumulate before impact was not..."

"Carter, just listen to yourself for a moment, for crying out loud! You are trying to describe the whip that bastard used to beat the crap out of you by using a mathematical formula and...!"

"It wasn't a whip it was a..." I interrupt him... again.

"Whatever, I don't care what you call it!" he says, shaking his head, and something in his voice makes it abundantly clear that I'm standing on dangerously thin ice here. "The point is that you are not going to get me to believe that you are fine by trying to explain to me the physics behind the damned thing. This is not about some equation and you know it!"

"Sir?" I ask, not knowing what else to say.

"I told you, Carter, lose the 'sir'!" he says, for what feels like the hundredth time, the problem is that this time around I really don't know what he wants me to say.

It happened, there's nothing anyone can do to change that fact, why can't he just let it go, why can't they **_all_** just let it go? Ever since I went to Daniel's place last night it's been one 'heart-to-heart' after another, can't they see I'm fine? I mean, I can understand Janet going CMO on me, it's her job and I knew she wouldn't be happy that I hadn't said anything about this but luckily she agreed to help me... and the general agreed to go along with her but right now I'm tired and I do mean bone tired. It's like I'm having to prove to people I've been working with for the last seven months that I'm the same person I was seven months ago when all of this actually happened, that nothing's changed in the past few hours... and no matter what I say they won't believe me.

I know I can't afford to lose it with the colonel... I know I came close enough to doing just that with General Hammond and I don't intend to make the same mistake twice but the problem is that I know there's nothing I can possibly say, not now.

I understand where they are coming from, I really do. I know they are trying to adjust to what's for them new information but the thing is that they hold my future in their hands and I hate that. Maybe that's why Daniel's the one who seems the least scary of the bunch. Janet, the colonel or the general... all it would take is a word from any one of them and it would all be over for me... and that means I have to do whatever it takes to keep them from uttering that word.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: I just wanted to thank you again for hanging with me and taking the time to review. I really appreciate it,

Alec


	29. Chapter 29: A Matter of Definition

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 29: A Matter of Definition  
(Jack's POV)

Okay, what's going on here? That's the first question I have to answer... no, not really. What's going on here is pretty clear: Carter is backpedalling with everything she's got so I guess the question is not so much what's going on but why. Why is she backpedalling and what is it that she wants me to let go of? That's the question... that and why does she insist on minimizing what happened to her. I mean, I know Carter approaches **_everything_** from a scientific, rational perspective but this is getting ridiculous.

I just wish she would let go of all the games and come clean but somehow I don't think that's going to happen any time soon. I'm trying to play nice here, not really knowing how far I can push her, but at the same time I know I have to get to the bottom of this because otherwise **_this_** could well end up tearing my team apart and there's no way I'm going to let that happen.

It's true that this whole thing went down months ago, as everyone keeps reminding me, but that **_doesn't_** help. What does it say about us that we were able to work as a team for seven months without even noticing that there was something wrong in the first place? What does that say of me as a CO? I'm not sure I want to know but what I do need to know is **_why_**... and the fact is that Sam may be backpedalling here but I'm not going to let this go.

"Okay, let's go over this again," I say determined not to fall for any of her misdirections, not this time. I see her cringe at the thought but she doesn't really say anything so I decide to push ahead.

"When we first got you back in Simarka you claim that you didn't say anything because Moughal was with us, correct?"

"Yes."

"But he wasn't with us all the time," I remind her. "Both Daniel and I pulled you aside and asked you if you were okay and both times you said yes... not to mention that Teal'c kept watching you like a hawk, even if he didn't openly **_say_** anything."

"I..." she starts but I can see that she's not ready to come clean so I cut her off before she can give me any sort of crap that's only going to make me angrier.

"Then when we returned you didn't say anything to Dr. Warner because you were uncomfortable with him... though I have to admit that your explanation for that is a little more believable than the one for your initial reaction," I remind her.

"Sir?"

"And then there's the fact that you didn't say anything during debriefing when you were asked specifically what had happened when you were in Turghan's camp, you see what I'm getting at, don't you?" I push

"Not really," she says and I get the funny feeling that she **_really_** doesn't get it.

"You lied to us three times, Carter... and only one of your excuses is even half-believable," I point out.

"Sir?"

"You never meant to come clean, did you?" I ask.

"It's not like that, sir. I just... I didn't know what I was doing and by the time I could finally take the time to think things through it was already too late," she explains.

"I don't believe you," I say, not willing to back down.

"It's the truth."

"I'm sure it is, Carter, it's **_part_** of the truth," I insist, determined to get the whole story.

"I don't know what you want me to say!"

"What about the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth," I challenge. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"And what did you want me to say? I told you, by the time I managed to think things through it was already too late for me to come clean... besides, it was **_my_** problem, it still is!" she snaps, almost losing her temper.

"So you admit it's still a problem," I say, holding on to that little slip.

"That's not what I..."

"It's what you said," I interrupt her.

"Yes, but..."

"It's a problem, a problem you've been dealing with for months and yet you never said anything, you chose to shut us out," I insist, knowing I'm not playing fair but not really caring about it either. I want some answers and there's no way I'm going to back down, not now.

"I didn't say anything because it was personal!" she insists.

"We are a team, Carter, you should know what that means," I tell her.

"I just..." she trails off.

"You just what?" I prod, not willing to allow her to shut me out again.

"Nothing."

"You didn't trust us, is that it?" I challenge.

"No!" she exclaims.

"Are you sure?"

"Sir?"

"Then why, Carter? If you trusted us then why didn't you tell us the truth?"

"Because I couldn't!" she says, not that **_that_** makes much sense as an explanation.

"Why not?"

"Because...!"

"Because you didn't trust us?" I insist.

"Because I didn't know you!" she finally blurts out.

"What!"

"What happened in Simarka happened seven months ago, sir. It was one of our first missions, we had been working as a team for less than a month and we were just getting to know one another... I didn't know... I couldn't..." she trails off and I have to admit that she actually has a point. I may not like it but the fact that this whole thing went down seven months ago means more than just that Carter has been keeping secrets from us for a very long time, it also means that at the time we were barely getting to know each other... and then I remember what my initial reaction to her was when I first met her before the mission to Abydos. In fact, considering my initial reaction, I guess I can understand **_why_** she wasn't sure she could trust me, why she may have felt she had something to prove and why she may have been reluctant to come clean at the time... but still, she could have said something later.

"Okay, so maybe I understand why you didn't trust us back then but why keep quiet for seven damned months?" I growl.

"And what was I supposed to say, how was I supposed to bring it up?" she pushes back.

"I don't know... somehow," I say, though even I can tell that that's not much of an argument. The thing is that what's bothering me right now is not so much what she didn't tell us then but what she's still concealing **_now_**. Sure, I've gotten a bit of a response out of her but no matter how I look at it the fact remains that she's **_still_** not telling me the whole truth and we both know it.

"I..." she trails off.

"Never mind," I say, realizing that as long as we keep going around in circles over that one aspect of this I won't be able to get myself the answers I need and that means I have to move things along. Of course, I know that with Carter 'moving things along' is easier said than done... especially when she's determined to keep on stalling.

"Sir?"

"No more games, Carter," I tell her.

"Games?" she croaks.

"Yes, games. I want some answers and I want them now."

"Sir?"

"Do you trust us?" I ask, point blank.

"Yes, but..."

"Okay, we'll leave that as a 'yes' for now," I interrupt her. "Now, I may understand why you didn't say anything at first and I know bringing it up afterwards would have been hard but even now you are trying to keep us out and that's what I'm trying to understand... especially because you say you trust us."

"It's just that it's something personal, sir... and everyone just keeps pushing but I'm fine and I can still do my job," she says.

"Your job?" I ask, wondering where she's coming from. I mean, I've never questioned her ability to do her job, no one in his right mind would. She's the best at what she does and we all know it.

"Yes, I mean, I'm fine and I've been doing my job ever since this happened and yet General Hammond felt it was necessary for him to ground SG-1 for two weeks even though I told him I'm fine," she explains.

"And are you?"

"What?" she asks.

"Fine," I clarify.

"Yes, sir. I just want to go back to doing my job but apparently the fact that I've been doing it for the past seven months is not enough to get anyone to understand that I'm **_not_** broken, that I don't have to be protected from the big, bad universe out there," she says, sounding more than a little hurt by that and that's when it hits me. All of a sudden I realize why she kept quiet in the first place.

"That's why you did it, isn't it? That's the real reason you didn't tell anyone what had happened," I say.

"Sir?" she yelps, apparently caught totally off-guard.

"I've been trying to figure that one out ever since General Hammond told me what Turghan did to you and somehow the whole thing just didn't add up, not really... and now it does. You thought that if anyone knew you'd be out of SG-1 and that's the real reason you didn't say anything," I say, relieved by the fact that at least now I know what the hell am I supposed to be dealing with here. Up until now I've been flying blind, now I **_finally_** know what I'm up against.

"Sir?" she asks, going pale, and I **_know_** I'm on the right track here... and that means I can't back down even if I want to... which I don't.

"I told you, Carter, drop the 'sir', and get this through your head: I'll **_never_** ask someone to step down from my team because they've been captured and tortured... **_never_**," I growl.

"But I wasn't..." she starts but I interrupt her.

"You weren't what? Captured? Tortured? Don't downplay what was done to you. You may have been targeted because you are a woman rather than because you are a soldier but in the end it's not that different. Let me ask you something, if one of us had come through the gate with his back in the condition in which yours was, would you have said that that person had been tortured?" I challenge.

"Yes, but..."

"If someone else had been abducted in the middle of the night and turned over to an enemy camp, would you say that that someone had been captured?"

"Yes, but..."

"But you don't think that description applies to you? Why not?" I ask.

"It's just that..."

"Why **_wasn't_** what was done to you torture?" I insist.

"I don't know, sir, but..."

"Define torture," I say, falling into my role as her CO, determined to get her to see what's right in front of her **_somehow_**. Honestly, even though she is a damned genius Sam can be incredibly dense sometimes and I suspect this is one of those times.

"Deliberately humiliating or inflicting pain on a prisoner with the goal of obtaining information, as a deterrent or just for the sake of cruelty with the intent of causing a lasting psychological or physiological damage, sir," she replies.

"And the major forms of torture?" I ask.

"Physical, psychological and sexual," she says.

"Were you captured? Were you a prisoner?"

"Yes, but..."

"Were you physically hurt?"

"Yes, but..."

"What about mentally?"

"Yes, but..."

"And sexually?"

"Yes, but..."

"So I ask again, why **_wasn't_** what was done to you torture? Why **_doesn't_** it warrant that label?"

"I... I..." she stutters.

"You never thought of it in those terms, did you?" I ask.

"It wasn't like that, sir. It wasn't a battle, it wasn't because I was an enemy or even a soldier, Turghan never saw me like that. He had no reason to hate me or hurt me other than the fact that I was a woman. He wanted to teach me my place, to teach me a lesson. It was..." she trails off.

"Dehumanizing?" I finish for her. "That's usually what defines torture, Carter, you should know that. I'm not stupid... or at least not **_that_** stupid, I know there are differences but when you get down to it in the end what you went through was a form of torture," I say, hoping that she will accept that explanation.

I know there are other things going on here, things I can't even begin to understand and I know helping her to get over this is not going to be that simple but in the end I guess torture is what this whole mess boils down to and that, **_that_** is something I can definitely understand.

THE END (... at least until I can manage to post the sequel)

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, sorry for the delay (especially to those of you **_not _**in the U.S.) but seeing how I knew this was the last chapter I decided not to post it on a major holiday for fear that some people who had been following this story would miss it (I know how frustrating missing final chapters can be). I also wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for your support, for your reviews and for sticking with me for so long. I know this wasn't exactly the most fun-filled fic ever and I really appreciate it. 

Now, as you probably have already noticed, this is the end of 'Propagation' it is **_not_**, however, the end of 'Under Alien Skies'. There is a lot more to come in this universe but I wanted 'Propagation' to deal **_only_** with the initial reaction of most of those close to Sam to the news of what had happened in Simarka (in fact with the exception of the first chapter everything else happens roughly within a 24 hour period).

Some of the elements that I know are still missing from this story and that will be addressed later are:  
-Does Teal'c eventually find out? If he does , how does he react? If he doesn't, how does that affect the team's dynamics? (sorry, I couldn't make the decision of whether or not Sam should tell Teal'c work realistically with the 24 hour timeframe I had in mind for this particular story).  
-The real impact on Sam's life beyond the nightmares.  
-General Hammond figuring out what Turghan's threat was.  
-Jack finding out about Turghan's threat.  
... and a few others.

Now one thing I have to admit is that I've given up on the idea of writing a big sequel and I've decided to write instead a series of short 'snapshot' fics, each dealing with one particular aspect. This approach means that I don't have to worry about connecting them, that I don't have to write them sequentially and that I can go back if I want to and add an additional scene between two 'complete' parts, so I'll have a lot more flexibility. I'll start posting the first of those sequels next week.

Finally one last warning concerning the sequels: at least some of those (including the one I'm going to start posting next week) will have an 'M' rating. That means they **_won't_** be featured in the default view of the category listing so you may have to look for them (author alerts work when it comes to new stories but remember that story alerts do not).

Okay, that's it for now and thanks for reading (and reviewing),

Alec

Additional note: The sequel has now been posted. Its story id is: 2694424


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